I Still... (The Unspoken Words)

I might not be so inviting,
But my heart isn't close.
Time burns everything
As we let the memories toast.
I've searched for a sign
From your uninspiring lines.
They're pulling me under
As you thought they'd be fine.
I try to adjust in many aspects
But still none changed.
I can still see the same objects.
Nothing really changed!
Instead, I keep my mind busy
Even my workloads are really few.
It's not that easy
When all I see is you!
Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
GeeLyria
Review

Woah, Senzafine!

My Gosh! I don't think I can express how much I love the attitude in this poem! In my opinion, this is perfect; I wouldn't add or delete anything. The wording was entertaining, the message was concise enough (it didn't let me hanging, but it didn't make me sleepy either), and your lines flow perfectly! This piece is not a piece, it is The Piece!

However, I agree with the reviewer bellow me. In order for this poem to be more likable and organized, it would have to have some stanzas. If I were you, I'd click enter every four lines; it would let the reader breathe, appreciate, and think.

Spoiler
Like this:
I might not be so inviting,
But my heart isn't close.
Time burns everything
As we let the memories toast.

I've searched for a sign
From your uninspiring lines.
They're pulling me under
As you thought they'd be fine.

I try to adjust in many aspects
But still none changed.
I can still see the same objects.
Nothing really changed!

Instead, I keep my mind busy
Even my workloads are really few.
It's not that easy
When all I see is you!


That's all I've got to say. :] Keep writing!

~GeeLyria

Hey there! I will be reviewing your piece of work today! :)

Comments
You did a great job writing this poem. I like it a lot, I do have a few things that I need to talk to you about.

Critiques

I have a question... Where are the stanzas or verses of your poem? This is a nice poem but it does need those breaks. Sometimes when readers go to read a piece of work. If they don't see a break in the text, they might not want to read it.

I don't see any grammar mistakes! :) That is awesome! (I have comma mistakes sometimes and it sucks... ) You did great, but even with all of the correct grammar, you need to add more detail and depth in your poem. That would really move the readers when they read your poems.

Nothing else I can really point out! :) You did great, keep on writing my friend. I can't wait to read some more of your work. If you have any questions or need help with anything. Feel free to message me or post on my wall. :) I will gladly help! Thank you again,
~Whitewolfpuppy :3



Meet me in Montauk.
— Charlie Kaufman