Sometimes it makes me wonder
Why can't i make this better?
Why I've chosen this to be bitter?
Does it matter?
As we walk our lives in separate ways,
I'm still here waiting for better days.
I'm still here, scorched by the moments...
And I couldn't make any statements!
Guilty in some matters...
Trying to escape, yet it wonders.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello, senzafine. Thanks for the request. I'm here now.
First, even though you said that this is your style, the intentional small letter i for the pronoun I just wouldn't work; especially since you've capitalized I've.
Yes, it does. Moving on...
I didn't like this vague line:
It was vague because it could have been more specific. Like, what is "this" and how "better"? Maybe you could have thought of a particular way of this being better. You know what I mean? But I'm not saying that being vague is a bad thing for writing poems. I enjoy a lot of vague poems, and most of those poems has vague images. This particular line is kind of just whining, like, "WHY?!"
And that goes on for the rest of the poem...
Another thing that I didn't like here was that it was lacking imagery. I couldn't find any metaphorical meanings with this even though I try to. Forgive me. Maybe I'm just sleepy. Or being plain picky.
Here we go again with the better. It was just vague...
What kind of moments? Statement sounded like a forced rhyme here. Just sounded, so yeah... it's OK.
What I couldn't find here is imagery. When I was reading it I just felt like a guy was talking to me trying to rhyme. GO EXPERIMENT NOW. The feelings are there, but the way you're showing us those feelings are too blunt. And oh yeah, you were telling, not showing. This is poetry. SHOW US your feelings.
BUT
I did like how you ended it. =) Just write and write. Please experiment with images. Don't be so straight-forwarded. Message me when you've posted something new, and I'll be glad to check it out again.
Great job.
There's only a couple of problems...
1. You have a couple of punctuation errors, try and revise it to find them and it should help
2. You also have some capitalization errors, do the same thing as above and you should be fine.
3. Your emotion isn't very strong.
4. Your flow isn't too good.
Other than that this poem is very well constructed - good job
Keep writing,
Alzora
Thanks for appreciating... In need of your comments to improve...
I really liked this. I think it just needs a little bit more editing. Other than that it was really good. Nice job!
I liked this a lot! just go back and edit a bit. Nicely done!
Wow. Very good, couple tiny error's.
Just change it to a capitol. I don't think that should be matters, it should be just matter, and maybe add a Why before the does... You used a #FF0000 ">" instead of a #FF0000 ">'.I loved these two lines,
I liked it!