Young Writers Society

Hey! Welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy your time here. I remember I first started here.

Just a few corrections:

I wasn’t quite sure what was happeningto me.

A never ending black hole that continuously had me spinning and losingconsciousness.

A continuous vicious cycle that I couldn’t stop, no matter howloud I screamed or how long I would hold my breath.

I would try to close myeyes hoping that when I opened them the memories of terrorization and painwould all evaporate into the air.

When in actuality the pain still stood infront of me, on a continuous path leading to a monster.

Hello there and welcome to YWS! I will be reviewing your piece today.
The feel of this piece reminds me a lot of prose-poetry. Is that what it is?
Why is the detail about the laundry being dark added in? Also, there's a missing space in that sentence. There's actually a lot of missing spaces through out the piece; so many, I almost wonder if it's intentional, but I'm not seeing any correlation. Comparing a black hole to a washing machine is a really awesome detail.
Around the middle of the piece, it stops to feel like some sort of poetic work and more like a synopsis of a story. This means you probably need to add a few more of those unique details of yours, like comparing the black hole to a washing machine and comparing it to the Disney movies.
'I couldn't slay myself.' That line makes you pause and think.
I like that you tie the beginning back to the end, bringing in the black hole again.
I hope this review helped you a bit, and if you have any questions about Young Writers' Society, feel free to ask!
-tgirly

This review courtesy of

Hello Secret, Wolf here for a review.

Welcome to the wonderful world that is YWS, and I hope you enjoy you're time here! (Review Time:) Alright, so I'll probably go into more technical stuff first and then dive into the content.

First off, a really important thing in writer is paragraphs. Paragraphs really make it easier on the readers when reading through works, and it sort if helps with the flow. Basically, every time the topic switches in an area, a new paragraph needs to be started. For example, if I'm generalizing all my favorite foods, and I suddenly switch to talking about ice cream, I'm going to need a new paragraph. Also, even though no dialogue is used here, I will go ahead and point out that every time there is new dialogue, or a new person speaks, a new paragraph is needed.

Another thing, the diction here needs a little work. So one thing that gets a lot easier with practice, but is difficult in the beginning, is how sentences are started. A big issue I had, actually, not too long ago, is I would start about four consecutive sentences with the same pronoun, or just a pronoun in general. Be very careful with that, and try to vary up your sentences. I promise, dependent clauses will become your very best friends. Though, I'm not saying it's not okay to start a sentence with a pronoun, I am just stating not to over do it. Also, try avoiding starting a sentence with 'but', 'and', or 'because', since it can make the writing look choppy. Just turn it into a compound sentence.

So, I like the big metaphor you include in this. That life is like a washing machine, constantly spinning you around, throwing you off your feet until the monster is conquered. Now I know this isn't a normal narrative, but I still am quite confused. Evil is being talked about, but I'm not sure if she's actually physically fighting, or if this is all in her head. That would be a really cool twist, that she was fighting her own mind to conquer her fears.

I find this a great start, but there is so much you can add on to this, not only to lengthen it, but to create deeper meanings. Remember to show not tell, and add descriptions. Keep Writing,
~Wolfare