sweet sixteen and never been kissed part one

You described everything so well, that I could easily picture it in my mind. There's not much background information; it's an empty story. Sometimes I write like that just to jot a scene down. But this is only part one, right? I'm eagerly awaiting part two. You could use some improvement with grammar and spelling, but as I said before, you're amazing at describing things. Keep writing!

Hey people, ummm yeah im a rubish speller, im using an older web connection so i couldnt get spell cheker on. Also im guessing most of you guys are American? Because when i put collage i was thinking she'd be 16/17, thats the entry age over in the uk. thanks for the advice though!

Hey people, ummm yeah im a rubish speller, im using an older web connection so i couldnt get spell cheker on. Also im guessing most of you guys are American? Because when i put collage i was thinking she'd be 16/17, thats the entry age over in the uk. thanks for the advice though!

[quote="seana"]Short story, enjoy!

"Large latte, please." I said in a timmid voice to the guy stood serving coffe. He looked down at me and I saw a slight smile pull to his lips. Imediatley I knew what he was thinking, she shouldnt be in collage, looks to me like a junior high chick. Which was a terrible shame because he was - in my opinion- very good looking: sharp cheeck bones, brown eyes that reminded me of melted chocolate that you just wanted to loose your self inYou want to lose your self in chocolate or his eyes? I like the comparison, but that you could maybe take out., very tallSaying very tall and then his height seems repetitive, about 6'3, slight build, maybe just cuting the 'thin' look and bordeing on built. Yeah. Chloe, stop gawping like a fool! He most likley see's you as a kid. Which by the way, Im not, im 16 and a half. All sounds like its in her head. Should be italicized

Trust me, i couldnt have been more wrong.
***
Snapping my biology book shut, I shoved it roughly into my ginormas backpack. Seriously! I could fit a small, fat kid in there. The chill room was way too crowded to study. For some reason I couldnt seem to block out the happy chatting of the students. The whole vibe Vibe sounds weird.of them distracted me and I had no reason why,No reason for semicolon and conjunction. but my bet was that my thoughts kept driffting to the guy behind the counter, the soft sound of his voice,and the way he moved. Continiously I shoock myself, but it was no use. I was huckedYou mean F..... ?

Sorry ill finish reviewing this if you fix all the spelling and grammar errors. One or two is okay, but this makes me think you din't ever c/p into a spell checker. Its okay so far though.

I adore your writing!
Its something new and fresh to read!
It was very down to earth and quite good!
The title
"Sweet sixteen and never been kissed"
yeah right! this girl must have had dozens of boys knocking at her door! I love this character!
I never really care about grammer and punctuation, so I would advise you not to, too.
I am definatly looking forward to reading more!

All I can say is that you had a lot of spelling mistakes. You should check your spelling. Then there were some things you cloud've seperated and made more clear. Like when you type in what a person is thinking, make it italicized. It makes it more organized then keeping it all the same way.
But other than that, it was nice. Keep it up!
I liked this because it has a 1st person point of view.

seana wrote:Short story, enjoy!

"Large latte, please." I said commain a timmid voice to the guy stood serving coffe. He looked down at me and I saw a slight smile pull to his lips. Imediatley immediately I knew what he was thinking, she shouldntshouldn't be in collagecollege, looks to me like a junior high chick. Which was a terrible shame because he was- in my opinion- very good looking: sharp cheeck bones, brown eyes that reminded me of melted chocolate that you just wanted to loose your self in, very tall, about 6'3, slight build, maybe just cuting the 'thin' look and bordeing on built. Yeah. Chloe, stop gawping like a fool! He most likley see's you as a kid. Which by the way, II'mm not, imI'm 16 and a half.

Trust me, iI couldnt couldn'thave been more wrong.
***
Snapping my biology book shut I shoved it roughly into my ginormasgigantic ginormous isn't a word backpack, seriously! I could fit a small fat kid in there. The chill room was way too crowded to study,period or lowercase F For some reason I couldnt couldn'tseem to block out the happy chatting of the students, The whole vibe of them distracted me and I had no reason why; but my bet was that my thoughts kept driffting to the guy behind the counter, the soft sound of hhis voice, the was he moved. Continiously I shoockshook my selfmyself, but it was no use. I was hucked. I'd just gatherdgathered my backpack and folders when I bcamebecame aware of a tingling sensation Realising it was because some one was standing by my seat.
"Hey, how was the coffe?" The lullaby-soft voicedvoice asked me, I was humilliated[color=#FF0000]humiliated [/color] when my throat closed up and all I could get out was a squeaky "Fine, thanks
"I was wondering, erm, get on my brakebreak at 11, would you care to join me?" His voice sounded very sinseresincere, why was he asking me?
I managed to sum up enough curragecourage to get something like a "yes" Out, he smiled, would it be corneycorny as to say it made him look like a angel?
"Great, well its half ten now so would just like me to grab you another one of those?" he inclindinclined his head towards my cup- did I mention his hair is the deepest black and chopped into frantic layers?
I nodded and reached to my purcepurse-"No need, my treat!" he said and smiled that smile I dowbtdoubt - here it comes, another corney cornyline-i'llI'll ever forget. I pulled a book from my bag, and set out to read.

"Here you go." The waitress put a tray down on my table and walked off, on it sat a laragelarge latte and a double chocolate muffin. I looked in awe- no one, apart from my parents, had bought me anything. Suddenly I was starving and iI devoured the lot in record time, then iI popped over to the vender to buy some gum, not because I esxspectedexpected to kiss him, but because no one likes talking to some one with bad breath do they! Yeah. right.

You have some great descriptive words in there, hope you don't mind if I use a couple of those phrases; I especially liked the "chopped into frantic layers" it gave me a good picture.

It kinda had an empty story; not much background, or much logic, I didn't even know quite what was going on. Where is she and why is she there? Give us more detail. But, like I said, you have a pretty good descriptive talent; use it!

Hello there,

"Large latte, please comma" I said in a timid voice to the guy stood serving coffee.
He looked down at me and I saw a slight smile pulling the corner of his lips (?). Immediately I knew what he was thinking, she shouldn't be in college, looks to me like a junior high chick. Put this in italics because she thinks... or he thinks.

I realized it was because someone was standing by my seat.

Hi there, I will be correcting mostly your spelling today.
Please make proper effort to edit and check your work before you post them, because there are some very amateur mistakes that shouldn't appear here, some out of pure laziness since you get them right on occasions. Furthermore, we have a spell-check function. We sincerely want to help you but please don't make it difficult for us to do so, thanks.

seana wrote: "Large latte, please." I said in a timmid timid voice to the guy stood serving coffe coffee. He looked down at me and I saw a slight smile pull to his lips. Imediatley Immediately I knew what he was thinking, she shouldnt shouldn't be in collage college, looks to me like a junior high chick. Which was a terrible shame because he was- in my opinion not really needed because this is already from the first person's POV- very good looking: sharp cheeck bones cheekbone, brown eyes that reminded me of melted chocolate that you just wanted to loose your self lose yourself in, very tall, about 6'3, slight build, maybe just cuting cutting the 'thin' look and bordeing bordering on built I don't think that's a suitable expression . Yeah. Chloe, stop gawping like a fool! He most likley likely see's you as a kid. Which by the way, Im I'm not, I'd use a full-stop instead of comma im 16 I'm sixteen and a half.

Trust me,i couldnt I couldn't have been more wrong.
***
Snapping my biology book shut comma I shoved it roughly into my ginormasginormous backpack, seriously! I could fit a small fat <- contradiction kid in there. The chill room was way too crowded to study, For and for some reason I couldnt couldn't seem to block out the happy chatting of the students, full-stop The whole vibe of them distracted me <- Awkward-sounding and I had no reason why Noise is a plausible reason for inability to concentrate, and regardless, this is redundant since you've already mentioned it; but my bet was that my thoughts kept driffting drifting to the guy behind the counter, the soft sound of hhis his voice, the was way he moved. Continiously I shoock my self I shook myself repeatedly, but it was no use. I was hucked I do not recognise this word. Do you mean 'hooked'?. I'd just gatherd gathered my backpack and folders when I bcame became aware of a tingling sensation add a full-stop here Realising I realised it was because some one was standing by my seat.
"Hey, how was the coffecoffee?" The A lullaby-softvoiced voice asked me, I was humilliated humiliated when my throat closed up and all I could get out was a squeaky "Fine, thanks add ."
"I was wondering, erm, get on my brake at 11 my break's at eleven, would you care to join me?" His voice sounded very sinsere, why sincere. Why was he asking me?
I managed to sum up enoughcurrage to get something like a "yes" Out, he smiled, would it be corney as to say it made him look like a angel? I managed to muster enough courage to reply with something along the lines of a 'yes', and he smile. Would it be corny if I said it made him look like an angel?
"Great, well its half ten now so would just like me to grab you another one of those?" he inclind well, it's half past ten now, so would you like me to grab you another one of those while you pass the time?", he inclined his head towards my cup- did I mention his hair is the deepest black and chopped this word hardly suggests attractiveness into frantic layers?
I nodded and reachedto my purce- into my purse. "No need, my treat!" he said and smiled that smile I dowbt doubt - here it comes, anothercorney corny line-i'll I'll ever forget. I pulled a book from my bag, and set out to read. What was her response to his generosity? Certainly not whipping out a book to read without any display of gratitude?

"Here you go." The A waitress put a tray down on my table and walked off, on itand on that tray sat a larage large latte and a double chocolate muffin. I looked at the food in awe- no one, apart from my parents, had ever bought me anything That sounds rather far-fetched. Does she not have friends and relatives who would buy her stuff?. Suddenly I was starving and i I devoured the lot meal/food/treats/etc in record time, then i I popped over to the vendervendor or vending machine to buy some gum, not because I esxspected expected to kiss him, but because no one likes talking to some onesomeone with bad breath do they! ? Yeah. right. Your ending doesn't really make sense. Also, you may need to refine the locations in your story. One moment she's in a cafe, the next she's in school, though from your story, she never really left the cafe, with someone who knows where to find her (like a classmate, which in that case she should recognise him long ago).

HI! I'm pointe and I'll be reviewing you today!

"Large latte, please."

she shouldn't be in collage, looks to me like a junior high chick.

I was hucked.

OVERALL:

Spelling:
Lot's of missed spelled words. LOTS!
Grammar:
your grammar is okay I guess (nothing major but a little boring)
Find some words that mean the same thing but are a little more colorful.
Plot:
the plot seems great, maybe a little run-of the mill but you can embellish it and make it your own. Can't you?

You could do better but I like it and will be checking back for more.
~pointe