She is not human.
Driving to school, sports, friends houses. Ceaseless
good times.
How are you? good. unchanging
response.
Making dinner, doing laundry, making her bed.
But she is not
human. She expects
it. She is not
grateful.
She hurt her, and there is no going back.
Things go as they went before,
they are good pretenders.
How are you? good.
smile. laugh. facade.
Someday humanity will hit her in the head.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
at first i was a bit confused as to who or whom you were refering to, i am assuming it is a mother. the last line made me laugh, but did not quite fit the rest of the poem. not sure if you were trying to get out the emotion hate
Making dinner, doing laundry, making her bed.
But she is not
human. She expects
it. She is not
grateful.
this paragraph confused me, who is doing the work, and who is not grateful?
your poem was good. you just need to explain a little more what your subject is.
keep writing, i am looking forward to reading more.
kim
Welcome, welcome. I was actually quite drawn to the bleakness of this piece, the mechanics, and I disagree in this instance with Cade. I think the lack of meaning has almost existential charm, the lack of meaning is the meaning.
Don't want to get in too deep nitpicking until I get my teeth into some of your other stuff so I can get my bearings in your style, but I'll be interested to see what you create.
Hi there! I see that you're new, so I just want to make sure you know a very important rule around here. Please critique two pieces before you post your own, and try to crit twice as much other stuff as you post your own.
This poem is very flat...I don't see much under the surface, if you know what I mean. In some places, the flat tone is good for the piece because of the subject matter, but it doesn't really go anywhere. Why does your subject behave the way she does? Could anything change that? Is it bad? Why is she not considered human? Give me something to ponder. Study this poem, think about it, agonize over it. You want to pull your reader into the poem, not bore him to death.
The ending is so sudden, so abrupt; and a little unnecessary. You don't want to end your poem with a "meaning" or "moral"--what I'm trying to say is that your poem should have a meaning, but that blurting it out is a bad idea. That just takes all the fun out of it for a reader.
In terms of general advice, go read lots and lots of good poetry. It helps. So much.
Keep at it, and welcome to YWS!
-Colleen