Published May 30, 2008
Unrequited
Bit by bit
I gave myself to you.
Three Michelin stars.
Strange menu.
First course: jellied eyes, accompanied with grilled asparagus tips.
If only you could see what I see.
But all you see
Is them looking back at me.
Untouched.
For the main: scrambled brains, with a side of garlic bread.
Drying out, crusting in the bowl.
My efforts go unnoticed -
Your ice-cold eyes bore through my soul.
Undeserved.
Dessert: sautéed heart on a plate
Served up on a silver platter, dripping with sweet blood coulee.
It doesn’t slake your appetite.
You want more.
Unrequited.
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141,261 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
Okay, so here I am. Actually, you have made the perfect review yourself: "The structure is a little random, but I liked it." And that's exactly what I'm going to say, too.
This is my favourite stanza, which is good, because it's the first one. I especially liked the Michelin stars bit. Only I think there should be an "a" before the "strange menu". You know, an article? But it's basically the only nit-pick in the whole poem. So well done, mate.
Hope to see you around!
Demeter xx
Cheers everyone for the comments, nice to see that you all liked it - although any critiques are welcome!
This is such a good poem!
The imagery produced is so funny. (In a good way) The "jellied eyes" and "sauteed hearts" just sound so descriptive and meaningful, as if the love from the main character is being eaten alive on a platter. It's such an apt metaphor that it becomes relatable and, yes, funny.
I especially liked the first stanza in this poem. It's such an interesting and effective introduction that allows the rest of the poem to open up and be explained. The fact that you begin wiht a standard rhyme and then change the pace can be a tricky this to pull off, but it workd well here. Good job!
This poem was sickeningly good.
But I believe it really got your point across, when I read it I had the impression that I've felt what you're feeling in this poem.
I loved it!
I love the metaphors and comparisons, at first it caught me offguard and I had to read it again...
I really like how you've presented something that could be interpreted in different ways, and the imagery was a little disturbing, I have to be honest
I think my favorite lines are your last ones, they kind of thesis your whole point and what you've felt the whole time.
I also liked the untouched, undeserved, unrequited at the end of each stanza, it gave the poem a really good rhythm.
Great job!
I had to read this several times to figure out whether or not I like it, but I really do.
I think the whole concept is quite strong and even though the imagery is rather morbid, I felt touched by it.
The three "courses" worked out really well and each stanza touches on another aspect of what you are describing. Really well done.
I also like how you place
"Untouched"
"Undeserved"
and
"Unrequited" at the end of each stanza.
All in all: Really good poem!