Published June 2, 2008
These elusive words
Jumping, hurtling around the room;
bouncing, rebounding off of the walls;
crashing, fracturing through the ceiling;
ideas glide, ghosting around my head.
Ideas of love, loss, desperation;
of wishes, desires, aspirations.
Thoughts of casualty, terror, sorrow;
of yesterday, today, tomorrow.
Of dreams, imagination, delusion;
imagery, metaphor, allusion.
Of pastiche, persona, parody;
symbolism, bathos, elegy.
Inspiration bores into my skull
like a mole burrowing underground.
Lights spark, thunderbolts of energy,
but words are unable to be found.
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Canary word: Present
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141,732 Literary Works • 675,638 Reviews
I can't really agree with Love2act4ever...
My qualm lied in the rhymes. Your rhythm was fairly consistent with a hiccup here and there. You see, your rhyme scheme lacked complete consistency. I've said time and time again that if you're going to rhyme, make a scheme.
On a more positive note I'd like to say that conceptually I love this poem. It's contemplative, emotional and word choices are exquisite as well as excellent. =D
What I would do here is rewrite this entirely in prose or create a consistent scheme. I recommend writing in prose, however, because you obviously have something to say here... And I fear rhymes may hinder that expression.
Happy Day.
I really love the way you rhyme in this one. It does not seem forced at all. It flowed very nicely with the poem, and the imagery the words came with and how you put them all together, was lovely. I think the begging is my favorite part of the poem. It really sucks in the readers to want to keep going on, and flow of the poem was really nice. Nice Job.
I liked the final stanza and some of the second and third.
I don't suppose you've ever heard the song "Let The Drummer Kick" by Citzen Cope? It comes across much like that. What I mean, if you haven't heard the song before it there is a lot of listing. Adjective after adjective after adjective all of which rhyme. It isn't exactly purposeful.
You have a poem about elusive words due to elusive thought - a nice idea. However at points it just sinks into a recollection of words. Thought maybe be elusive and jumps from topic but there is normally some sort of association, isn't there?
This in particular is what throws me off. You move from a contemplation of casualty, sorrow.... today and tomorrow to your first line and then to a contemplation of poetic or literary techniques. Pastiches? Bathos?
Either you have a reason for this and in that case it needs be more clearly presented and the sections will become better connected, or you don't and you need to work on the connection to better you meaning. One or the other.
It has the workings of a good poem.