Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence and mature content.
Escape of the Gazelle
By Seamus Dawson & Partnered with Alex-Chaun Curtin
In my family death wasn't really paid attention to. If my sister died today nobody would care, sure we would be kinda sad but we'd bury her and then go on with our day. We didn't have the money to waste that much time crying. But today I wish if one of us was killed that we would atleast have an investigation. Especially me because I was not in the best of situations.
I just got an order that was really high maintenance, but if I get it done then I’ll be the most advertised blacksmith in all of china. He was giving me good money for such a very complicated weapon, a japanese style sword. Sure they may be hard to make because there weren't many to base mine off of but luckily my brother had one. Ha! That's why I like him he's a trader.
I walk outside it was dusk, though it seemed like mid day, I guess I haven't been outside much since winter so it seems lighter outside, but it was still dark. You could barely see 50 yards in front of you. My home may have been small but it was better than most being a blacksmith. Now of course as the idea of being a blacksmith is rapidly expanding and traveling blacksmiths plagued us every winter so now my profits were going down, but even with more money than most I was still poor in most eyes. I decided not to buy jewelry unlike most. What I've learned over time is when you have a more rich social appearance people assume you have more money and try and offer metals for higher prices. I dont have the money for jewelry anyway so it doesn't matter. But I look outside then I notice it, it’s him. I have seen him far too much in 1 day and I don't know what to think now. He was a shady character. His brown eyes gleamed at me and I felt a bit impressed looking at that sword. It was a jian, bronze, and i'm guessing it was based of of swords during warring states period. It was well made, I was guessing they used tin for the cutting edges to make it harder but not for the spine so it could absorb shock. I was surprised by its length of it, jian’s were usually only about 2ft but this one was at least 2 and a half. But the man looked at me his eyes seemed to pierce through my skin. I was suddenly sweating, nervous, and I needed to leave so I jumped off the balcony… And he was coming straight towards me.
I was paying so much attention to that man running at me I may have forgotten I was falling. When I hit the ground my legs felt like they had broken but that didn't stop them, they ran anyway. I was in so much pain I felt like I had just broken all the bones in my body. I could feel every heartbeat, every step and the vibrations going up my legs, and it felt numb. When I walked in you could smell manure, every step felt to sink into the hay and it pricked you. The walls were falling apart and the makeshift pillars looked like they would break if you thought about them. I ran to my horse and jumped on.
I charged out of the stable with my horse and when I smashed through the door a lantern hanging from the wall fell into the hay. It started burning and then the walls started smoldering and finally caught flame, and as I was getting away I looked back. I saw that the flames had spread to my home, and tears rolled down my eyes.
I held back the feeling to scream, all my work… Gone… I had no time, he was behind me on a horse of his own, I galloped into the village. There was always one problem with this village, the streets in some places were too narrow for horses. Galloping through the main market was depressing with only a few market stalls it used to be bustling but now it was depressing. I had pity on the old market. It was such a great place be back then, always safe with lots of guards. But now all the traders moved around the “greatest blacksmith” with the cheapest prices, Mr. Chang. He once threatened to kill me for how I got such well balanced swords. Idiot I told him to add gunpowder to his mix. It was quite funny actually It was quite a fire but it wasn't my fault. He was the one threatening.
I got to my blacksmith shop and the man with the sword walked in behind me. This was the moment to strike. I grabbed the sword I was making for the emperor, It had just came out of heat treatment. It was orange and you could hear its sizzle, and glowed. As he turned around I thrusted, No blood it was automatically evaporated just one sizzling hole.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Fix spacing here.
"But today I wish if one of us was killed that we would atleast have an investigation."
I wonder if you could Given more Characterization in the story. Especially the main character. I also wonder if you could have given more sensory details about the main character and his house or where he lives. I also wonder if you could have had a structure in your story. There is no conflict, or resolution. I would also like to know what the people are named. There is only one name given in the whole story. It is also never stated where the main character lives.
It seems that it's only about his thoughts I think you should say a little more about his surroundings of what he is doing in the beginning. I think the ending needs a little more work. There are some sentences that are a little confusing and some spelling could be changed.
For the whole story seems good and it is a good size but if you fix those small errors than it will be a better story
There are several grammar and spelling mistakes in this story. The characters are all comprised of flat character, which needs to be fixed. Also needs more sensory details.
I just want to say, overall great story. Tons of detail overflowing from page to page and the end had me on the edge of my seat.
Hear are some minor corrections:
You need to use only one "tense" (past, present, future). From reading it you stayed mostly to present tense but there was a few spots were it slipped. Also you need to fix some runons. By spending some time reading out loud you could correct them, overall great story.
Ex: I walk outside it was dusk, though it seemed like mid day, I guess I haven't been outside much since winter so it seems lighter outside, but it was still dark.
This was so amazing i fell of my chair at the last sentence. Again it was amazing.
Please fix some of the grammatical errors.
Please fix some of the grammatical errors.