Published July 23, 2009
Running, keep on running, keep stumbling over dandelions and burn burn burn yourself out, we’ll will be brighter than our parents, blazing through the sky.
We’ll be prettier than cracked teacups and we’ll be smarter than rockets that lose most of themselves on the way up.
Lets pinky swear, brownie cub scout, three finger swear that we’ll never sell out, and we’ll never grow up, and my hair will always be this colour, and you’ll never let yours grow out.
The kitchen will stay empty, and we will live on outside air and never come home, never give up, never stop fighting, just keep screaming
screaming
screaming
that its not fair
its not fair
its never FAIR!
Twin grins across bowls, and milk running down our chins
And we’ll all be wasted pretending to be friends, and caring about “cool”,
Everything is meaningless and entertaining
Living every day thinking this is all there is, and knowing nothing
Not
One
Bit.
Keep being tiny, and hoping that you’ll always be the same the same the same, and nothing more. Just wait til they tell you, Well actually.
Its much more fun to be big.
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This...is odd. I just wrote and wrote, deciding not to stop even if what I was writing was rubbish and somehow came up with this. After the start I realised I had an idea for what I wanted to do with it and...yeah. tada.
Little or no editing has been done so crit is very welcome ^_^
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141,288 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
This is cute, I'm not sure if its trying to be anything more than cute, but I hope not because I quite like it the way it is.
As for the descending line thing that you did three times I thought that yes, you can get away with it three times, but it would look better if you didn't do it so many times.
that its not fair
its not fair
its never FAIR!
This was my favorite use of the descending lines, and this made me smile, I thought it was really great. The reason this poem was good was because you didn't take it too far. Childhood seems to be an easy thing to write about, but a hard thing to do in a way that doesn't sound like toy story, so in that respect, and in may others, you did a great all around job with this piece!
Cheers!
This is very good, especially for not being edited that much. A few things I would change (I underlined them) : remove the "that lose most of themselves on the way up" or reword it; if you remove it you should add another "we'll be ___ than ___". The "twin grins.....chins" line seems out of place. Personally, I don't reall like the ending that much; mainly because it sort've changes the pieces mood to much. If you want to keep it, though, move the "Well, actually," with the "It's so....big."