[ at a friends birthday "party", basically just the gang hanging out by the basketball hoop]
I was sitting against the lamppost and Xander sits down next to me. We churn out the whole "Are you okay?" "Yes I'm just tired" and drunk routine and he puts his arm around me and hugs me. THEN he's sitting with his arm around my waist and his chin on my shoulder. I don't move. He's much too close. I don't like it.
Then this line: "Well so long as you need it, I'll be here."
For FUCKS SAKE. You care? Really? Sure you do, Xander, you care a lot about getting into my pants and then dropping me like a hot potato.
In my head I'm going "How do I get away? Escape. What do I do?"
So a second later I move.
"I need to drink more" I declare, trying to pass it off as one of my tipsy mood swings.
"You...do...?"
I leave him sitting on the grass looking confused. I don't look back, don't see if he gets up or not, just find Jake at the gazebo and ask him for his Apple Sourz. Open it, slug down a lot when he hands it to me. Funny how it used to taste so much stronger.
"Whoa thats not a sip. What's the matter?"
"Nothing" I tell him. I pause. I have to get out of here. In case he comes and talks to me. In case anyone talks to me. "I'm going for a walk."
"Wait, what?" he starts but I'm already gone.
I start of walking but I'm so mad. I start to run. It helps. I want to scream. God he's such a slimy bastard.
Its hard to see my feet in the dark, and i can feel the stones through the soles of my shoes but I keep running. THIS at least I can control. I round the bend and kneel down on the gravel path. Almost prostrate. How dramatic.
I feel violated.
And all he did was have his arms around me, touch me. I suddenly understand rape and taboo and all he did was have his arms around me.
Jake calls my phone and asks where I am. I'm too tired for excuses anymore, I don't have the strength to lie.
He comes to get me and puts out his hands to help me up. He hugs me. I'm so relieved, okay, suddenly comforted and I remember he is my friend and he won't let Xander do anything if I don't want him to even if its something as stupid and little as touching me.
He wants to know what happened and its impossible to say it but I try my best to give him the gist.
Later when we go back Graham gets extra points for voicing his dislike of Xander and the more i think about it, the more I wish I had just pushed him away and told him to get the fuck off.
- - - -
crit if you want, an excerpt from my diary. Changed the names.
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Okay. I wrote a reply and it all disappeared cause the internet died for two seconds.
Anyway, here I go again.
I hate touchy guys. Especially when you're not at all close and they get waaay too close.
On this excerpt, all I can say is I commend you for writing so well even in your diary. Maybe it's just me but I forego grammar and spelling and tenses and vocabulary when I write in mine.
Oh, and I agree with the other reviewers, you must stay away from 'Xander'.
I can't really nit-pick this, since it is a diary.
I'm really resisting the urge to tear apart your grammar...
Oh well.
The only thing I would say is that you mess up your tenses a lot. Some parts are in the past tense and others are in the present. Stick with one. I would use past, since the events happened in the past.
And stay away from "Xander."
Hope this helped,
~~~Sakura~~~
So, I don't know if you're looking to do anything with this piece, as you say it's from your diary, but I feel like critiquing all the same, because it's intriguing and honest. ^_^
Alright, reviewing the passage about Xander after reading it all through and seeing that you obviously think he's a creep, I realize that in this snippet from your diary, there is no other evidence that he's a creep besides your opinion. I think, to get the audience more prepared for your reaction, you could augment this with a story of why you got this opinion. I mean, if you were to do anything more with this story, of course.
/That/ line was absolutely beautiful. It adds a dejected tone to the narration, just a subtle acceptance of the fact that things were once better, or at least more naive/safe.
The repetition of short sentences here adds a lot of power to this passage. Good work.
Now, I'm sure everyone feels a need to control at least a bit of something in their life, so that line is relevant and pure, but it could use a little expansion, perhaps. What can you control in this new situation, and how is that contrasted to earlier? I also like the last line in this section, but it makes me wonder if the narrator finds satisfaction in the drama or disgust at herself for it? Perhaps you could mention how that makes her feel.
Over all, it's lovely. Thank you for sharing! ^_^
Oh, this is great. Fantastic. Guys like Xander are horrid, and if I were you, I'd have smacked him silly. Jake sounds like a really good friend. I like him (he reminds me of the Jake from the Twilight series, which kind of puts a damper on it, though).
"Sure you do, Xander, you care a lot about getting into my pants and then dropping me like a hot potato."
I love this line. Absolutely love it.
The thing I like about this piece is that you focus your anger so directly. It's a lot better than me, who just throws it all over the place and says, "Well, this happened, so then the whole world must suck, huh?"
You mix up the tenses in the first paragraph, so straighten that out.
That's it for the critques. Gold star for you!
Your diary entry was interesting. You just need to make sure you are putting punctuation in the correct places. I know that usually when you free write in a diary, punctuation isn't a big deal.
"Xander" sounds like a creep, I would stay away from him and stay with "Jake".
Pretty good topic to write about though, it's real life.