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Fear More than the Virus

by scottkimak


A deadly virus spreads across the world, changing the way humankind behaves. Jackie Mendoza quarantines herself in her home for weeks, fearful of catching the disease. But is it the virus or fear itself that she should be afraid of?

Blood, it slithers down my arms, searching for my fingertips, gathering there until it forms. Then the droplets grow until they can hang on no longer, slipping from my fingers and plummeting to the cold, tile floor beneath me. They strike the surface with a resounding echo, reverberating through my frame. My body shakes. A cold winter chill seeps into my bones, waking me from my stupor. I look at my hands, trying to find the color of my nail polish, but all I see is crimson. Blood is everywhere. I am dipped in its color, drowning away any picture of what I once was. My stare pushes past my hands, and I see her lifeless body before me. The red liquid still seeps from her skull, finding its way into the grout lines, spreading its hideous hue across the entry to my home.


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271 Reviews


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Thu Aug 05, 2021 8:07 am
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

The title of your story caught my eye, and I have to say that viruses and apocalypses have never been my kind of thing. But then in the last two years a virus became our reality and since then I have been clicking on every article and piece of writing that has the word in it. This was a good short piece. You have a really great style of writing, and I have a feeling you will be great in writing descriptions. I especially liked the line: "I am dipped in its color, drowning away any picture of what I once was."

However there are certain issues with this:

The introduction does not really feel like an introduction. It feels like something written at the back of a sci-fi novel to give us an idea of what it is about. Introductions are supposed to set the tone for the rest of the story, and in this case, I don't think it really works.

The sudden change in POV was a little harrowing to read. You begin in the third perspective as if someone is narrating someone else's story, and then suddenly you jump to the first perspective. Maybe you could make the transition a little bit smoother or just avoid it altogether?

"They strike the surface with a resounding echo, reverberating through my frame."
Can blood really do that? I mean, it's blood. When it strikes a surface, it might make a dripping sound at most, but a resounding echo? I don't think that's possible.

Lastly, unless you intend to extend this into other chapters, this was way too short. You leave us with so many questions - Where has the blood come from? Who is the 'her' at the end? What exactly is going on?

I think this could work really well if you plan to extend this, as like I have already mentioned, you have a really great writing style. I, for one, would love to read more.

That's all for today. Have a great day and keep writing!




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Sun Aug 01, 2021 6:10 pm
chikara wrote a review...



Hello hello~

So deadly viruses are pretty common in writing, and I think I know why. There's something about writing about real life that is just different than fabricating some storyline because of the control, or maybe just recognizing that it's a thing and it's pretty serious. I'm a big fan of writing that takes elements from real life and adds some kind of horror or science fiction twist to it because it's fun to see what the change is.

Like this could be referencing the real life pandemic going on, or it could be referencing a zombie apocalypse in the making-- both of which are pretty strong storylines. I must admit, out of all the ideas under the category of "the world is ending and we're all going to die," this one has to be one of my least favourites just because of personal preference. Although, it can be done right if someone actually puts care into it.

Now, let's look at your opening paragraph~

A deadly virus spreads across the world, changing the way humankind behaves. Jackie Mendoza quarantines herself in her home for weeks, fearful of catching the disease. But is it the virus or fear itself that she should be afraid of?


It's not really able to be considered a paragraph if you look at it from the grammar is very important to the making of a story angle, but that's not what I'm here to talk about. The main thing I have is that it jumps too far into the story without ever slowing down to set the scenery and character introduction. There is one lady and all we have is her name and a partial bit of personality in that she is paranoid.

Then you change the POV? I'm not sure if that introduction was just an author's note, or if it was more of a blurb for you to show reader's what you wanted to showcase without actually putting in the effort to make it happen, but either way, it's a bit confusing for me. The introduction itself was quite fast-paced, but it could've been merged into the story if you wanted to because it had some structure to it.

And about the last paragraph, I have a lot to say, but I will wrap it up into three sentences that will cut straight into the point I have to make~

1. The length is too short for it to actually be engaging.

2. The descriptions are pretty lackluster, only being stereotypical or confusing.

3. The POV you chose takes away from the atmosphere.





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