The Contract

I

The light spilled out like water across the floor. It was soft, sinking under the carpet and wood beneath. There were long fingers of cloth in motion, blood that poured from a wound. They guarded the windows, the doors, watched for outside eyes in world with none.

At the center of the room there was a long reclining chair. Beside that there was a couch. A small table kneeled at its feet, indistinct in all.

There was a women sitting on the couch. She folded her hands like a napkin, a gown in her lap. There, she said nothing nor looked to anyone. She was silent. Her eyes were dead. Guiding a cup to her lips, she drank from it slowly. She moved as though it might break.

The entire room was around her was monochrome, red. The carpet was red, the curtains and furniture were red. The small dress she wore was red. Everything seemed if pointing—staring at the room and its center. But there was nothing. Their gaze led nowhere. Instead, there was only a women, drinking her tea from a crowd of nobody.

“Your late” Her voice sung sharp. “I've been waiting you know. You had better have a good excuse.”

A man appeared.

“None that would please you.”

He sat at the table.

“Have you brought the paperwork?” She continued.

“Right here.”

“Good. Then I assume we have a deal.”

“Correct.”

“You'll be wanting to see the client of course. I haven't contacted her yet.”

“No?”

“Soon enough.”

II

It was a hot summer's day then. The sun above beat the earth like a hammer. Further on, in a quiet town seldom noticed or seen, it settled unnaturally, the one spot untouched by its pulse.

It was cold there. The residents were little aware, neither wise nor foolish. They went about their day as all the world, never noticing it the same.

Hanging from the lip of the town there was a house to be seen, nothing special in its appearance. It was plain, white, obscured in a thick musk of weeds as well as shrubs. Together, they made a castle there, built from the masonry of its former garden. They chocked out the windows and doors. They tied like hands around its neck.

Inside, past the open glass and unkept floor, there was a girl. She laid there like a heap. From a white bed her body contorted and bent, twisted into rings as she turned. Her hair, a chocolate blanket she slept with, hugged between her legs, her chest, teased the wind as it came, invited it in and to stay.

There was a loose notebook of papers on her desk. It flickered there, noiseless and dead. Gently stirring in place, the girl began the long ritual of moving again. She fumbled about, her hands and arms reacquainting themselves. It was a slow process. Climbing her bed like an arctic slab, she found the top of it as if mountain.

Once to the floor, she glided across the surface and to her closet, moving as if carried. She was quiet, any sounds that escaped were pulled back with a tug. There, she got dressed. She put on a long T-shirt and some new underwear. She was still for a moment.

All about the room there was the taste of breakfast, golden eggs and a rich, white milk. She could smell from where she stood. Drawing closer, a cat in her steps, she reached the stairs, watched past it for any visiting motions. But there were none. The entire house was empty, spare only her. She smiled at the discovery.

Throwing herself like a river down the stairs she poured into the kitchen, tackled a seat on the isle and took busy with eating. The space around her was yellow nectar, baked in the morning's mint youth.


The story thus far is unfished. Not sure if it'll ever be. Anyway, thanks for reading. I hope it wasn't too bad.
 

Comments & reviews · 4
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I can't say that that I understand what this story really is about. It starts of with and old woman and a man then it changes to a girl or teenager getting out of bed. It was rather confusing as there really is no plot at this point. I hope to have you start writing again soon as this story has left me with a lot of questions. Like. Who is the woman and the man? Who is the girl? What is this contract about? Just food for thought.

User avatar
Butterfly18
Comment

Unfortunately I couldn't get through it all, I began to get somewhat confused.

I did like the language you used though. It's descriptive and poetic but didn't go overboard and flourish. So I liked it. :)

User avatar
100xstupid
Review

So!
I liked this piece, it had a mysterious air that really reeled me in. The tone helped this, as well as the way you structured your paragraphs. The way the narration jumps from scene to scene, then moves on to shorter leaps around the girl's room was an engaging technique.

There were a few errors with spelling and such, but magpie covered everything that I noticed, so I wont dwell on them, just be sure to spellcheck your work routinely if you can.

I do like your style, but the one thing I felt was missing was simply detail. Naturally, as the author, you are well within your rights to withhold as much as you like, but be aware that with so little to go on, it can be easy for a reader to get lost and even give up while reading. So far we have a bit of dialogue between two mysterious characters, a lot of landscaping and just a little on the girl who I assume is our protagonist. Perhaps your reader deserves just a little more?

Feel free to PM me with any questions and such, and keep up the good work.

User avatar
Morrigan
Review

Hi there, scissory! Welcome, welcome to YWS! It's truly a pleasure to have you here.

I really liked this. I understand that it's unfinished, but I really want to know the ending! You really hooked me with your descriptive language, and I wanted to know how this girl and this queen connect. So keep writing this until it's finished. It's a keeper.

In the meantime, there are a few things to think about revising, still. First, you have quite a few grammatical errors here. Below, I will rewrite them in their correct form. It's up to you to find where they are and correct them (I'm going to bold the parts you need to change).

There was a woman sitting

Everything seemed as if it was pointing

there was only a woman

“You're late,her

She lay there in a heap.

She was quiet;


Now that that's out of my system, let's talk about other things you can change.
While I love your descriptions, some of them can become a little confusing at times. Also, you tend toward wordiness. In writing, less is usually more. There is no exception to that rule here. What I mean by wordiness is that you use more words than are needed to get the point across. I'll reduce the wordiness in the first paragraph, and then you can apply what I did to the rest. Here's the original, for comparison:
The light spilled out like water across the floor. It was soft, sinking under the carpet and wood beneath. There were long fingers of cloth in motion, blood that poured from a wound. They guarded the windows, the doors, watched for outside eyes in world with none.

Here's the less wordy version:
Soft light spilled out like water across the floor, sinking under the carpet to the wood beneath. Long fingers of blood red cloth guarded the windows and doors, watching for outside eyes.

See? Same meaning, less words, and less confusion. Try to omit as many words as you can without changing the meaning or your word choice (because that part is great).

In several places, you tend to start most sentences in the same paragraph with the same word, and also use the same sentence type for most of the sentences in the paragraph. Try to vary these things so the writing doesn't become boring.

The entire room was around her was monochrome, red. The carpet was red, the curtains and furniture were red. The small dress she wore was red.
You only need the first sentence. The rest of them are redundant.

In part two, you need to start at the place where the girl is. Don't describe the climate where the woman is; it doesn't matter.

Altogether, your descriptions are really good. Please tell me if you choose to revise this or add more to it; I'd love to keep reading. Just send me a private message sometime, or post the link to my wall. I look forward to seeing you around YWS more. I hope this review was helpful. Happy writing!



You are beautiful because you let yourself feel, and that is a brave thing indeed.
— Shinji Moon