Young Writers Society

This second chapter of your story was very good, although it was rather short. I found only one mistake and it is right here:

Merlyn can read; the only other thing he’s good for. I had never learned. Reading and writing were lost arts in Brita(add an n).

This was really good, but I have some suggestions:

Merlyn seems a lot different in this chapter than in chapter one. Before, you said that he was "scaredy-cat" but in a time of crisis he doesn't even panic, you'd picture him to be the first one to freak out. Make sure that you're keeping your characters the same way, they can change but not in a situation like this. There wasn't any emotional/physical challenge for Merlyn so it's an impossibility for him to be so different so quickly.

Also, Merlyn and Melody seem extremely un-caring that their building is under a siege. You say that The Order acted as a family to them, but they seem almost un-affected. Especially Merlyn, who before seemed extremely emotionally sensitive to me for some reason. You do have this paragraph:

My heart ached for the first time in a while and I locked up those feelings of sadness and remorse. Protectors were supposed to be strong, I reminded myself, steeling my heart against the inclination to weep and break down. I watched as the fire settled down to embers and as the sun rose, cooled to ash. My home was gone.

Noise. That’s what woke me up. A large clang sounded near my eardrums and I fell out of my bed. I heard yelling and I opened my eyes, still heavy with sleep. Crimson light emanated from the doorway and I stood up. The whole place was in an uproar. Members around me were out of their beds and dressing, placing their weapons at their hips.

People who were inducted into the order, especially children, had no family.

After I finished your first chapter, I had to see the next chapter. I must say I am looking forward to reading parts 2 and 3

One of the things I noticed is the way you mention "the captain" sometimes you capitalize Captain and sometimes you don't.


You need to slow down a little bit and take some more time describing the actions taking place and the surroundings. Your writing is exceptional; but you seem like you are in a little bit of a rush.

Also watch out for commas, but that is something we all struggle with.

What you do a good job of,

You are great with character interactions. I love both of your "main" characters.

Your vocab is solid.



Great job, I am looking forward to the next installment. It was a pleasure to read as always.

Decided to copy/paste again.

Hope you don't mind...

Well, here I go

Chapter Two

Noise. That’s what woke me up. A large clang sounded near my eardrums and I fell out of my bed. I heard yelling and I opened my eyes, still heavy with sleep. Crimson light emanated from the doorway and I stood up. The whole place was in an uproar. Members around me were out of their beds and dressing, placing their weapons at their hips.

One of the older women, Shayna, grabbed my arm, “Get out of here, Melody.” She pushed me out of the way and slipped out of the barracks and [This sentence is kind of strange. Too many "ands" or something. I think you should change it to: She pushed me out of the way, slipping out of the barracks and into the headquarter room] into the headquarter room.

I wasted little time. I jumped into my boots, pulling my tunic over my head. Just as I slipped the ruby underneath my shirt, Merlyn appeared out of nowhere. A huge explosion sounded from the far side of the room and I fell to the ground.

“What’s happening?” I yelled over the noise.

“Massive attack,” he shouted back, out of breath. He ran to my side. “Huge invasion.”

“Of what?” I cried [comma] pulling my auburn hair away from my face.

He shrugged, “Something that’s not a specter.” I grabbed at my knife. “C’mon, we have to help.”

“We’re not going in there. Melody, you heard Shayna,” Merlyn ran his hand through his bristly jet black hair, wincing as another explosion rocked the room.

“To hell with it, I’m going in,” I said, shaking off his hand and made [again, I think you should change this sentence to something like: I said, shaking off his hand and making my way towards the door. I don't think "made" is the right tense to use or something] my way towards the door.

Suddenly, the captain burst through the entrance. “Melody, get out of here. They’ve come for the stone. Keep it safe,” he hissed.

“But…” I tried to protest but the Captain silenced me with his hand. He shoved a piece of paper into my palm and pushed me away.

“Go,” he ordered. I was torn, but the Captain looked very serious. [use something else other than "very serious". It seems too modern for your writing] Merlyn came and grabbed my arm. Just as we were about to teleport, a figure in a dark cloak stepped towards the captain. The Captain grabbed his knife and plunged it inside the creature. A piercing scream filled the room as the caped thing burst into flame.

“Hold on,” Merlyn hissed and [comma] suddenly [comma] we were spinning out of the barracks. I landed with a loud thump on hard ground, Merlyn dropping right down next to me.

“I wish you would butt out next time,” I glared at him, standing up and brushing myself off.

“You heard the Captain. We had to get out of there,” Merlyn returned my gaze, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“Our comrades are dying,” I hissed, walking over to the small boy.

“Shut up,” Merlyn ordered me and I rolled my eyes. Since when did he ever get to order me around? [thoughts in italics]

“Where’d you take us to [comma] anyway?” I looked around at our dilapidated hiding place.

“I don’t know. I think it’s a warehouse less than a quarter mile from the place,” Merlyn looked around. I nodded. It’s not like we had anywhere else to go. [thoughts in italics] People who were inducted into the order, especially children, had no family. Many were street orphans, like me, or mistreated kids like Merlyn. The order was a good substitute for family and it kept people out of trouble. The average type of trouble [comma] like Britan gangs and drug rings. We had to deal with a different type of danger. [I think you should change this sentence to: Now, we had to deal with a different type of danger. Adding the word “now” adds to the sentence and shows contrast]

[add this paragraph when you talk about the place being a place of safety. And then add the last bit to the last bit of the paragraph above ^^^^^ Hopefully, that makes sense?? Lol] The protectors had offered us a place to sleep and eat and you got to use magic. Or at least you used to. Now that there was a battle going on there [cut out “there” at the end of this sentence. With it on there, it drags too much], there was no telling if the headquarters could ever be repaired. We were on our own. But at least we were used to it.

“What’d Captain give you before we left?” Merlyn asked, coming to sit next to me on the ground.

I shrugged, pulling out the paper he had slipped into my hand. Black ink crossed the page and I handed it to the black haired boy. That’s one thing I forgot to mention. Merlyn can read; the only other thing he’s good for. I had never learned. Reading and writing were lost arts in Brita. [like this paragraph but its missing some info. I feel like you are leaving us in the dark. Add some more to this and maybe that will help]

Merlyn glanced down at it, his eyebrows furrowing in concentration. “What’s it say?” I asked, impatient. I never could stand it when someone knew something before me.

Merlyn shrugged. “It’s pretty much the same thing that he said to us before. Find out what the stone does.”

I looked down at my necklace, pulling the ruby out from under my clothing. Again [comma] I felt that strange tug. But [comma] that was it. I traced my fingers over it. “No secret compartments. No openings.”

Merlyn nodded. “Well, we’ve got time to sort it out,” he said. He looked tired and curled up in a ball on the hard ground.

“Don’t worry, I’ll take first watch,” I said sarcastically to his snoring figure and stepped out of the warehouse. The night was cool, the beginnings of morning lighting up the sky from a navy blue to a light turquoise. I let the breeze ruffle my hair and sat down on the doorstep. The acrid smell of smoke filled my nostrils and I wrinkled my nose in disgust. It would have been a beautiful night if I couldn’t see the flames from our headquarters licking the sky, bathing the village with a golden glow. [nice descriptions You painted a really pretty picture here]

My heart ached [comma] for the first time in a while [comma] and I locked up those feelings of sadness and remorse. Protectors were supposed to be strong, I reminded myself, steeling my heart against the inclination to weep and break down. I watched as the fire settled down to embers and [comma] as the sun rose, [add “and” here] cooled to ash. My home was gone.

You writing is good

You have a nice rhythm, but again, you seem to rush things. And, sometimes I feel that you just add things to add them. Such as “Merlyn being able to read”. You need to present more info on that, otherwise it seems slightly hectic.

Some Good things:

I thought that your MC and Merlyn was really good. And, I liked your descriptions at the end of the senery and stuff. You need to sneak some more descriptions in your story like that

Well, I will be looking out for the next chapter because you have created a world different than anything I have ever read. So, thumbs-up to you!

PM me when you post the next part!

Scasha,

Well, I only read the rewrite of chapter one, so everything should be clear to me, yes? ^^ On with the critique, same rules as always.


Quote:
Suddenly, the captain burst through the entrance.
Is “captain” supposed to be capitalized? Later on, downward, it is.


Quote:
The average type of trouble like Britan gangs and drug rings. We had to deal with a different type of danger.
Those don’t connect with each other.



WATCH OUT!

- lots and lots of hissing…

- I still don’t know enough about the world, about this “order”. I’d like more details. I know there was a short explanation in Ch. 1, but, as was said, that was very short. I saw that snippet about “family”, but it’s still not enough. Elaborate? I understand that you are probably trying to avoid an info dump, and giving that info in bits and pieces, but the reader does want to know what is going on.

- there was a lot of action here, and I understand that. Yet I’m still for more description and details.

LOVELY….

- was the beginning. Managed to snatch me off to your world.

- dialogues. Loved the ones in this chapter, especially in the beginning

- very little mistakes (at least the ones of my caliber, the ones I can catch, heh).

- characters. Merlyn was awesome, the MC was good, too. They have flaws, which is good, and are each other’s direct oppositions.



Thanks for posting,
Esme