I Always Do
Knives, bloody knives, stabbed towards your back, you can feel the pain, the gruesome pain of the sharp rear end of the blade itching your spine. It’s okay, I know how it feels. I always do. It’s difficult on who to blame, is it the mind or the knife? Cause obviously the knife can cause fatal deaths, but then you need your mind to trigger the rage to accomplish the homicide. Sometimes you gotta take it for granted because homicide does secretly feel good, but that’s just guilty pleasure.
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138,126 Literary Works • 672,075 Reviews
This made me feel..odd for some reason, its sorta creepy, and I'm not usually into these but I like it.
hehe thanks
Hi, welcome to the site, I hope you're finding your way around okay!
Maybe this should be 'It's difficult to know who to blame'][/color]1. I've not written a lot of micro prose but I think the really key thing is to choose every word carefully because they've all got to pack a big punch. This means repeated words have to be really good words and I'm not sure that 'knives' is a good enough word to repeat. It's not really explosive - and by that I mean words like bomb or power which have that b or p plosive sound which you make at the front of your mouth or words like cartography or sibilance which are big and fun to say and not heard too often so when you repeat them, it really makes people listen.
I think instead you could use alliteration ad have something like 'Knives, bloody blades stabbed toward your back' or 'Knives, bloody silver stabbed toward your back' - I also think you don't need the comma before stabbed as that slows down the sentence and makes it less dramatic.
2. I'm not sure that itching is the right word as it's a bit ambiguous - is the blade causing your spine to itch or did it itch before and now the blade it there to make the itch go away? It makes me wonder questions like that and then my mind's going off on a tangent instead of reading the words. That's fine in longer fiction and it's good to make readers think but in something this short, you need to hold the reader's focus so that they read it all in one short blast and are transfixed on the words. If you make it clearer which meaning you meat then that would work, like 'end of the blade satisfying the itch in your spine' or 'end of the blade causing your spine to itch'.
3.
4. Try to cut out any extra words. I'd maybe suggest re-wording that to 'but only your mind can trigger the rage'.
Overall
There's a good stream of consciousness feel to this which makes it seem like we're getting a glimpse into someone's thoughts and that works well in the short format. I'm not sure that it's different to any other expression of suicidal feelings though - there's nothing which makes this person stand out from the crowd. Nothing individual about them which tells us who they are or what they like doing or why they're feeling this way. That makes the piece harder to connect to and not as interesting because there's not a story behind it - it's a flash of emotion, rather than a flash of story if that makes sense? I think you build a good atmosphere and you have a good sense of sentence structure but this needs a little bit more story to really draw the reader in.
Thanks for the read!
~Heather
I understand, but thank you for your feedback
You're welcome
Hey Hey!
How are you? Ready for a review?
I like this a lot, I mean, Scarred, this is a creepy sinister story, well done! Be proud!
"Knives, bloody knives, stabbed towards your back, you can feel the pain, the gruesome pain of the sharp rear end of the blade itching your spine." This is a very long sentence to begin with. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it's just, for the reader, that might be hard to swallow. Do you know what I mean?
So this person is murdering someone, and asking who the killer is? The person who did it? Or the weapon? Then reveals she/he likes doing it. Which to me means serial killer? Am I right?
This Character obviously has suffered too, that's why the tittle is called "I Always Do".
All in all, this is good. It gives you a sinister vibe (which concerns me since your 13), but bravo! I like it. But why stop here? Why not tell me how this person feels after killing? The rush, the happiness, the adrenaline? Does he/she murder anyone? Or maybe just people she hates? Tell me! I want to know more! Where does she cut them? One cut to the throat and that is it? Or does she kill him slowly? Begging for death?
This is good. It's gripping and suspenseful, but it needs more. For example, the cake is there, it just needs some chocolate and a cherry? Get it?
Anyway, since you joined today, if you have any questions about the site, just ask! Me or anyone! YWS is always happy to help!
Love,
Lau.
Thanks for the positive feedback, I ended the story with some sort of cliffhanger so the reader could grow curious, but don't you worry I might write more on this piece.
Well tell me if you do and I will be happy to read it!