Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Elizabeth
I stand as still as I can, the excitement of the upcoming event coursing through my veins. But how can I possibly be still at the moment? The ball, occurring in a few nights, is a reason for great celebration. This weekend is my brother and sister's 14th birthdays, and I still have a few days to prepare for the party. Also on that evening, I am meeting the 5 suitors my parents have chosen. All of them are the wealthy sons of noblemen who my mother believes will “Ensure the safety of the kingdom,” whatever that means.
The process for choosing my husband is simple. First, I have to be of age; which in my case is 18. I still don’t turn 18 for another month or so, but whatever. Then my parents select 5 noblemen of Lithilian blood, mainly those around my age range. Thankfully I am not required to marry a man twice my age.
The two maids at my feet fiddle and tamper with the different layers and textures of the dress I am wearing, making small edits and fixing any tears in the fabric that suddenly appeared.
I turn to one of the maids at my feet.
“Are you nearly done?” I ask, getting a little annoyed. The maid at my feet nods and steps away, her black dress sweeping around her feet. I turn around to look in the mirror. The dress is a maroon red with about four different layers and is covered in jewels, and is in stark contrast to my pale freckled skin. My long, thick red hair trails down my back and the headband braid, on the top of my head, is intricate, pearls woven into my hair. The dress is sleeveless and very heavy, with an open back and swirling designs on the front. Roxanne continues to lace up the part on the back of the dress, and every so often I get a jolt from my back and the dress tightens even more. She does it a few times, the dress getting tighter each time before she ties it up. I rest my hand against the bottom part of my torso, the rigid parts of the corset digging into my pelvis. I turn to Nina, one of my maids.
“You’re finished, m’lady. You mother wants to see it, however,” she says, just as the door opens and my mother, Queen Valentina, walks inside. She opens her arms to me and smiles.
“Elizabeth, darling, you look stunning,” she says. She turns to Nina and Roxanne. “Leave us,” After a few moments, the two servants scurry out and close the door behind them. I smile and look down at my feet self-consciously, tucking a red curl behind my ear.
“Thank you, it’s beautiful,” I say, with a light chuckle.
“Have you thought about the suitors yet?” she asks. I hesitate and chuckle.
“No, but I bet all of them are a pain anyway,” My mother, however, doesn’t share my sense of humor.
“Elizabeth, you are next in line for the throne of Lithilium, and as you know, a queen-” I cut her off.
“Must put her country first. I know. But do I really have to be married off to a complete buffoon to serve my country?”
“How many times have we had this conversation?” my mother questions. I step down off the pedestal and walk over to my bed, my gown flowing across the floor like ice.
“Enough times to for you to realize how much I despise the idea,” I mumble.
“As powerful as I am at your father’s side, my duty was to create heirs to the throne of Lithilium. Now it is, almost, your turn. How else will we continue our great empire?” I am annoyed by her arrogance.
Lithilium is a large nation, made up of thousands of acres of land and millions of people. It's beautiful, with the hunting in the north across the channel, the rivers and riding in the Loire Valley, and the beaches in the south.
She goes over to my side table beside my bed and lays something on the top.
“That’s how it has been for generations. It is tradition,”
“You know the old saying, all good things must come to an end?” I say. She snaps her neck back in my direction, making me jump.
“Elizabeth, you are the Princesa. You cannot go around acting like the unruly children of our day and age. You must be a true royal,” she says. I scoff and walk over to my dresser and pick up the small box my mother had left on top of it.
“What’s this?”
“It’s for the ball,” she tells me, going over to my window to close the drapes. I open the black velvet box to find a beautiful tiara. The rubies and diamonds correspond in color to those in my dress, and I gasp softly.
“Mother! It’s beautiful, it must have cost you a fortune!” I say, taking it out of the box and playfully placing it on my head. I dance around my room, the tiara almost falling off a few times. My mother smiles and laughs before coming over and hugging me.
“I know you don’t want to marry, I didn’t at your age. But it all works out in the end, trust me,” she explains.
“Did it work out for you?” she hesitates before answering.
“Mostly,” she says before leaving. I wonder what she could have meant by that. And she didn't sound very confident. I take off the crown and set it aside before taking my book out of the drawer. I don’t really feel like reading right now, so I go and lay down on my bed, staring at the expertly crafted paintings on the ceiling. The palace I live in is almost 600 years old and hasn't aged a day from when it was built. I hear yet another knock. Please don’t be a servant, Please don’t be a servant… But it’s actually 2 of my ladies, Malia and Renesmee. I haven't the slightest idea where Alyshailynn and Seraphina went, but whatever.
“Come in,” I say. The door opens a crack and my guard, Clive, announces them.
“Lady Renesmee and Lady Malia, madame,”
“Thank you, Clive,” I say, as they both slip in.
“Your Grace,” Renesmee and Malia speak in unison.
“Ladies,” I say, sitting up on my bed. None of us can keep a straight face however and start laughing uncontrollably.
“What did your mother say?” Malia asked.
“You can probably guess,” I say, grabbing a pillow off my bed and covering my face with it. I groan and stare up at the ceiling.
“Asked about the suitors again?” she asks. Renesmee smiles and comes over to sit beside me while Malia sits at my desk beside me.
“Why can’t she understand this isn’t an easy decision to make?”
“Maybe she is comparing herself to you too much?” Malia suggests.
“Maybe, or maybe she is insistent on completely destroying any chance of happiness I could possibly have,”
“What are you going to do about it?” Renesmee asks.
“There isn’t much she can do, she is stuck with this until she marries one of the suitors,” Malia responds.
“Actually, who are the suitors?” Rene asks. Then the door opens suddenly, and my guard steps in.
“Lady Alyshailynn and Lady Seraphina, you grace,” he states before allowing them in the room.
“Elizabeth, your hair!” Seraphina walks over and starts to mess with the red rat's nest that is my hair. I gently shove her away and laugh.
“What are you talking about?” Alyshailynn asks.
“The suitors my parents found,” I respond.
“Ooh! Say, Cassius is dreamy,” she says in a hilarious voice.
“Who are the others?” Seraphina asks.
“There’s Cassius Versaille, Lord of Calais," she says, winking at Alyshailynn. She continues, "Then Lucius Algarotti, son of the Duke of Alsace. Then there’s Alfred Mordue, Baron of Champagne, and Geoffrey Capria, son of the Lord of England. And finally, there’s-” Malia stops from the paper she’s reading.
“Who is it?”
“Adrian Montecalle, son of the Duke of Provence,” she finishes. Malia and Rene look at each other, then at me. Then I see Rene look down at her lap.
“What? What is it?” I ask, reaching up to my ears to remove my earrings and place them in my jewelry box.
“I thought Adrian was your childhood friend,” Malia says.
“He is my friend, he’s in Italy studying right now so I won’t see him until Friday,” I respond to Malia.
“Who is?” Alyshailynn asks, looking up from the book she stole from me.
“Adrian Montecalle,” Seraphina chimes in.
“So, which are you going to marry?” Rene asks gently.
“I don’t know yet,” I admit.
“What? But Cassius is gorgeous!” Seraphina exclaims.
“But Alfred is ridiculously rich! He’s the obvious pick,” Malia tells me.
“Um, no, it has to be Adrian, have you seen the boy?” Alyshailynn responds.
“You’re being courted, Alyshailynn, you can’t have another man,” Malia adds.
“Well it isn’t like I don’t have time for it,” she says, nudging Alyshailynn’s shoulder.
“Ladies!” Rene startled me, and them. “This isn’t our choice, it’s Elizabeth’s,” I nod my head in thanks.
“I will decide, I just need some time,”
“Didn’t your parents give you until the end of the month to decide?”
“Yes, they did. But it may not be enough time,” I respond. Suddenly an idea crosses my mind. Standing at the foot of my bed, I begin to pace. “You know what I just realized?”
“What?” Rene asks.
“I’ve never been outside the grounds without an escort or an entire parade behind me. It’d be fun to just see what is out there that I can discover for myself,” I say.
“Well, sorry, Elizabeth, but your mother would have a fit if she found out,” Seraphina adds.
“What if she didn’t?” Rene questions. That gave us an idea almost at the exact same time.
“Can you cover for me?” I ask.
“Cover for you? How?” Alyshailynn responds.
“I am going out, into the town,” I reply. Malia stands up and comes over to where I am pacing the floor.
“Elizabeth, I understand that you want to go do something reckless and rebellious for the last moments of your life as a princess, but this isn’t it! What if someone recognizes you?”
“They won’t. I’ve never even been seen by some people at court, even few in the town have seen my face. All they know are the rumors,” I explain. Malia begins to pace the floor, her footsteps echoing.
“I don’t like this. What if you get hurt? What if someone kidnaps you?” Seraphina asks.
“I’ll be fine. Lock the door, and if anyone asks where I am, say I wasn’t feeling well and shouldn’t be disturbed under any circumstances. Understood?”
“Props to you, my friend. And of course, We’ll cover for you,” Rene responds.
“You mean to tell me you’re alright with this?” Alyshailynn exclaims.
“She’s getting married, she deserves some form of freedom,”
“Fine, then we’ll go riding or do some falconry!”
“I don’t think that’s enough,” Rene tells her.
“Fine,” she mutters.
“Yes,” I breathe, “What do I wear?” I smile and start to unlace the back of my ballgown, and Malia runs over to help me. I quickly change into a black fur jacket with a red shirt underneath and a pair of blue skinny jeans that Renesmee hands me. I pull on my black boots before turning back to them.
“Good?” I ask. Rene giggles.
“Perfect,” she responds. I smile. Turning towards my bedside table, I pick up a small coin purse full of money. I can’t go out there completely broke, I shove it in my pocket before running towards the balcony and opening the door. I put on leg over the railing of the balcony, but Malia grabs my arm.
“What are you doing?” she asks.
“You didn’t seriously expect me to just go marching out through the front door, did you?” I ask. She shakes her head.
“No, I just hadn’t exactly thought this far ahead,” I grab her hand and smile.
“I’ll be fine, I’ll see you later,” before climbing down the other side of the railing and sliding down the shingles. Here’s the thing about our palace. Really difficult to get in, really easy to get out. I continue down the shingles until I reach the balcony that leads to my sister’s room. She’s in the throne room getting the party ready, so I just jump down onto the balcony. Walking across the balcony, I fix the backpack resting on my shoulders and continue down the shingles until I reach the edge of the palace wall. Dropping off the wall to the city below, I began a journey that would have a much larger impact than anticipated.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!! ELIZABETH, YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So Your prologue got people interested, then this chapter you introduced us to a rebellious daughter, who character you really defined by the way. (I vividly seen all the characters good job.) Anywho, back on topic, I feel this story has that certain edge to it once you get pass certain things. To be honest the story wasn't at all boring but you used such blan words like say and asked over and over again and it made your story seem a bit boring a repetitive. But that's an easy fix so don't get hung up on that minor detail. All and All I loved this story, I hope there's more to it.
Eager reader, Kwanza T. Taylor
Hmm, I am not sure how exactly to feel about this story just YET. I may need to read another chapter or two before deciding if this is my thing as, thus far, it seems rather standard issue.
That being said, I have the sinking feeling that that is all smokescreen, as the prologue points at a more interesting plot-line to unfold. The questioning of values, social structure, how this actually seems to be a vision of a future where things have regressed to medieval times; it'll make for an interesting take on things, depending on how it's written.
Thus far, at least, this doesn't quite stand out. The rebellious princess, the arranged marriage, the escape into town (will she meet a nice, streetwise guy there?)... How many times have we seen these happen? Still, it's because of all this that I hope you'll take things in a different direction.
I can't quite comment on pacing this early in the story but the flow seems fine to me. One thing that stood out to me, especially in the latter half of the chapter, is the back-to-back dialogue. Now, I'll almost never criticize dialogue as being excessive (God knows, I do the exact same thing) but it is always good to, every now and then, take a breather with some descriptions. Dialogue shouldn't exist in a vacuum and, as people talk, they react to things. So, you could always see if you can't add in some descriptions of how folks are reacting - are they angry, defensive, sassy?
On the subject of descriptions, I didn't see anything glaringly wrong. One thing, though, is that you sometimes repeat yourself in the interest of specifying where things and people are.
For example:
That's thrice in the span of three phrases that you said they were at Elizabeth's feet and, I reckon, only once would have been enough. For that matter, you don't need to outright state that someone is turning to another when they are speaking. It stands to reason that, if they're talking, they at least Elizabeth's eyes have turned to the receiver.
Finally, a lot of effort is spent describing the environment but I think you could add a wee bit more insight into the princess' mind itself. On the example above, for instance, she is impatient. How did that come about? How long has she been standing there? Is she sore? Describing the environment lets us envision a scene, describing someone's state of mind allows us to connect with the character and what she is doing. This is even more important since you're writing in the first person POV - you're already giving us a window into Elizabeth's head.
Oh and keep an eye on your tags, too!
If it's not a dialogue tag, then the quote is meant to end with a period. You can find some guidelines here.
And, finally, numbers. Twice you wrote actual numbers but proper form is to just spell them all out, fyi.
With all that said and done, I still think you've a story with nice potential here. It feels commonplace but I trust you wouldn't be taking the effort to write all this if you hadn't faith that you were doing something interesting. Your prologue certainly points towards that. I say, take it slow and let the imagine in your head take shape in as much detail as you can - don't skimp on giving us insight into the character.
Keep at it!
Hey there, Stranger! I actually read through the prologue before reading this one, just in case there was anything I should know before jumping in haha. By the way, the prologue was amazing!
.
I like how you set up the situation right away, or at least the setting. We know the background and how excited Elizabeth is for the ball. I also really like how you write! In fact, I actually quite admire it. Your details were also very well written! Alright, enough gushing about your style… You set up the character really well, and we get to know what she is like right away. She is intelligent and independent in the sense that she doesn’t really like the idea of depending on a man to rule a country; as well as her mother’s opinion on such mindset.
Now back to your writing style for a moment, your dialogue was fluent and really pushes the story forward as well as—again—tells us a bit more about the characters’ mindsets. And the problem in the story is pretty well slipped in while not being said directly; in which it was addressed through dialogue. The same goes for the adventure, the sneaky little Princess
And for my last two comments, I like how you combined modern things with some sort of medieval stuffs, and I like how you ended it with the very beginning of the journey in hand. I really did enjoy reading this, as fantasy is my absolute home genre, and I really like how you write (again, jeeze!). I can’t wait to read more!
I’m sorry this may sound a bit choppy, I’m making the mistake of watching The Middle while reading and making notes haha!