The therapist’s office smells like stale coffee and looks like he designed it after a 60’s movie. God, I wish it was the 60’s. Freedom, drugs, rock and roll. Everyone was okay. There was no Borderline Personality Disorder. There were no scars to hide. Unfortunately, it’s not the 60’s. It is the god damned 21st century, and here I am, sitting on this ancient sofa, staring at the clock. Tick. I don’t want to be here. Tick. This is my fourth appointment and I still haven’t said a word to this guy. Tick. I don’t want help. Tick. But my mom says I need it. Says I’m sick. Sick. The doctors tell me they don’t have medicine to fix me. Sick. They expect a therapist to help. I don’t want help. Sick. I just want someone to care about me. Someone who isn’t obliged by family to care. Or someone who is being paid ridiculous amounts of money to care. Tick. I want someone to look me in the eye and tell me I’ll be okay. Tick. That would be enough help. DING. It’s 4 o’clock. DING. Time to go. DING. He stares at me a second longer, DING. then uncrossed his legs, shut his notebook and got up to open the door. You’ll talk to me one day. Don’t count on it, doc. Next week, I’ll be here again, hearing nothing but my awful thoughts and the Tick of that god damn clock.
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140,218 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Well, that's me if I was ever in a situation like that. I think I'd ramble off about writing, seeing as I'm afraid of the silence. Wonder what he/she would do about that.
Any way, I think that this was an excellent read and that you have a great way of writing. I do hope that you write more material down and publish it.
With All Do Respect
Whole Some Reader
I love it! You're a great writer. I think you should rewrite it and make it longer, it has alot of potential. It's a great short story and I love how you left it open for interpretation. Keep up the great work!
I thought it was very well written and I feel as though it almost relates to my life in a way. I think this short little story has the ability to be turned into more. I would like to read more of this story. Now for the technical critique
Watch for overused words such as...
-it-there ... remove about 4 occurances
Your average sentence length is 6.4. Your sentences are very nicely very. I applaud you for that.
You have no redundancies in your sentences however you do have one cliche...
-okay (Such a simple little word that doesn't seem to matter. In my opinion, I would just leave it. It isn't bothering anyone.)
I found some vague words within your story such as...
-like
-it is
-it was
-about
& -would
Your spelling and capitalization consistency was 100% perfect. I couldn't find anything wrong there. Good job overall. Don't worry too much about the technical side. Keep up the good work!
Hello, Scarlett! I'm Rosie, and I'm here to review this piece.
And now, on to the review!
First off, welcome to YWS. I hope that you like it here as much as I do! There are quite a few amazingly talented, wonderful people on this site, and they never cease to amaze me with what they come up with. If you have any questions about the site or anything at all, feel free to ask me or one of them and we'll help you out in any way we can.
Overall, I like this piece. You were able to successfully do something that is absolutely essential in any short story: you made me care about your character. You pulled me in with your first few sentences and effectively communicated your character's angst and longing to be anywhere other than the place she was at. This is an emotion I deeply identify with. Great work there.
My most major criticism of this piece is the way that you've structured it. By lumping your work into one enormous paragraph, you're not allowing your writing to stand out to its full potential. Readers don't want to have to stumble over words just to get through the story; they expect the writer to organize it in a visually pleasing way. In its current state, your work doesn't live up to those expectations.
It would be pointless for me to point out an issue without also suggesting a way to correct that issue. To demonstrate my solution, I'm going to take the liberty of editing the first few sentences of this piece.
"The therapist’s office smells like stale coffee and looks like it was designed after a 60’s movie. God, I wish it was the 60’s. Freedom, drugs, rock and roll. Everyone was okay. There was no Borderline Personality Disorder. There were no scars to hide.
Unfortunately, it’s not the 60’s. It is the god damned 21st century, and here I am, sitting on this ancient sofa, staring at the clock."
Breaking this piece into smaller paragraphs will allow each sentence to stand out. The first paragraph is especially important since it's the first thing readers read other than the title; make sure that it's crisp, gives the readers a taste of what the rest of the piece will be like, and is fairly short. By making sure that the first paragraph doesn't feel cluttered, you'll be making sure that your work feels polished.
I also recommend breaking the rest of the piece down. Take particular care on emphasizing the repetitive parts - a.k.a. the 'ticks' and the 'dings'. Those lend personality to this piece, so it's important that you accentuate them.
Overall, great work! It's very obvious that you have talent; now, it's just a matter of honing that talent and polishing it up.
On a final note, remember that your opinion concerning your work is paramount. If you like your work the way it is right now, don't change a single letter. I am merely another writer lending you my opinion. Your unique style and views are what will make your work stand out, and you should never feel like you have to compromise those for anyone.
Again, welcome to YWS! I hope to see more of your work. Always keep writing.
-Rosie
That was very interesting. I really liked the repitition in it, it really drives in the thoughts and feelings of the author. It's almost like a synopsis, but filled with emotion. Very artfully done, the blend of short, factual sentences and the emotion that is implied. I also am amazed at all of the information, as well as the wants and needs of the character, given in such few words. The only issue I have seen in your wrting is that you prbably should have put quotations around "You'll talk to me one day." Other than that, great job! Can't wait to read more from you!