"No!" A frail voice cried out. "No! Stop it! Stop!" Tiny pale hands covered a pair of similarly small ears. "No! Stop! Shut up!" a girl about fifteen fell to the ground.
"Vous êtes bénis, mon enfant! Vous êtes bénis!" (You are blessed, my child. You are blessed!) a voice chanted loudly. You could hear every syllable drill into your ears. The voice kept chanting, one more time, two more times. Groups of people chimed in, chanting as loud as they could, pouring their heart and soul into it.
"Chut mon enfant! Être encore, restez calme!" (Hush my child. Be still, stay calm.)
A bright light flashed, the girl trembled with fear. You could hear her yelling but it was soon drowned out by the deafening chanting. The light faded around her, but shone just as bright as before everywhere else. Her body seamlessly floated and twirled in an orb that essentially consumed her. She vanished, the chanting finally ceased. She then floated form the sky effortlessly and landed on the ground. She laid still, her small frame heaving up and down. She sat up a little, putting most of her weight on her arms to hold her up. She slowly moved one hand to her head and held it, weaving back and forth. She slowly opened her eyes. They were the brightest shade of green ever seen. A light suddenly shot from them and she let out a painful moan. A reflection came from them, a woman much older then she played out. It was as if her eyes were a projector. The picture moved slowly back and forth with the girls swaying body. Hardly hanging on to conscience, she shut her eyes, falling back to the cold, hard ground. She was weak.
A mist suddenly surrounded her weak, almost lifelessly body. A group of men and women appeared almost out of thin air. All humming the same chant but this time in a much softer tone. Their arms were out-stretched towards the sky and the called upon the great Vaermina. The girls lifeless body rose slowly into the air. Her eyes twitched and her chest started moving up and down. Her eyes suddenly open and she started speaking in a hymn, much like the language the others were speaking. But a part of her fought it, a part of her tried to over power the other. She argued with herself, screaming over the soft whispers of ancient sayings by the group.
A grotesque old woman stepped forward,Vaermina herself. The girl sensed her presence and started over-powering the force that consumed her.
"No, now, my great Evangeline..." Vaermina spoke softly. "Don't fight me, nor the highest Gods of Nimiran!" Her voice rose as well as the chanting by her followers.
Evangeline fought back,
"I...defy...you..."
Vaermina spat back. "You dare defy me and the Gods Of Nimiran!? You dare to defy highest the God, Clavicus. After the gift, we are giving you!? After the blessing you hath received?"
"Look at me, Evangeline! Look into the eyes of Queen!" Vaermina screamed. The chanting ceased and all was silent.
Evangeline struggled and opened her bright green eyes. Images shot out of her eyes, projecting her path to her crowning. The crowd made no noise, but they watched the journey. Evangeline fought to close her eyes to stop the images. Energy was draining out of her slowly. She started falling weaker, and weaker. Vaermina laughed with enjoyment and shut her eyes for her.
"Now, my child, will you accept the blessing of your bloodline? Will you accept the crowing and the blood of the beast? Will you accept who you are and where your ancestors are from?" Vaermina's voice rose to an ear piercing shrill.
Evangeline sat there silently, regaining energy as well as she could. She could sub-consciously hear Vaermina go into a rage, swearing up a storm in foreign tongue.
Evangeline could sense her moving through the crowd, still screaming obscenities in anger.
Evangeline started to re-gain consciousness and energy. She let her arms go to the sides of her, peaked, and opened her eyes, finally not admitting any images. Slowly, she found out how to lower herself with ease. Most of the group was focused on their Queen to notice Evangeline.
'How...odd.' she thought to herself. She could not believe she was not noticed. She glanced quickly around as her feet touched the ground. One had their bright green eyes on hers. She stared at him; it was almost as if he could read into the depths of her soul and a comforting feeling washed over her. He nodded, gesturing to look around. She did. They were the only two with green eyes. Everyone else had red eyes. It was almost as if she were staring into the depths of Vaermina's lair. Fire. Death. Hate. Nightmares and revenge.
Evangeline knew she wasn't like Vaermina, though she did intend to seek revenge and defy what her bloodline evoked of her.
The man helped her stay on two feet and whispered something to her, and pressed his hand to her forehead. A warm sensation ran over her.
"This will help. You're energized now. You can defeat her. It's your destiny."
Evangeline raised and eyebrow and before she could speak he whispered again. 'I'm sorry for this." And then yelled.
"Vaermina! My Great Queen! Your victim! She has arisen to two feet!"
Evangeline was stunned as she watched his eyes go from green to the deadly red. Vaermina turned on a dime, hastily making her way towards Evangeline, the palms of her hands were balls of flame, and they were mesmerizing almost.
Evangeline snapped to reality and slowly paced herself backwards. She had no idea how to fight the Queen. She wasn't sure what she was capable of. Overcome my fear, she moved farther back as Vaermina made her way towards her.
In her mind she could hear the man speak.
"You are stronger than your bloodline. Vous êtes plus fort que votre lignée."
Evangeline questioned him a million times in her mind why she could hear him, he ceased to answer. "Repeat." Is all he said and told her line my line.
"I am stronger than my bloodline. Je suis plus fort que votre lignée. I am stronger than my ancestry. Je suis plus fort que mes ancêtres. And by the power of the Gods of Great and Kindness. Et par le pouvoir des dieux de la Grande et la bonté."
Evangeline'shands rose and her eyes were consumed by green. Her hands had a mass of force coming from them. Vaermina knew what was happening and hit Evangeline with everything she had, but the graces of the Gods had already overcame her, reflecting everything. Swearing under her breathe, she invoked absolute chaos on Evangeline. The skies rained fire as red as her eyes and lightening struck and a cosmic boom soon followed. The group of followers hid behind each other in fear.
"I can conquer my bloodline, my ancestry. I don't have to remember my roots. My roots of evil. But I can remember the roots of good. The roots of pure and sweet simplicity." As Evangeline spoke, a translation in another language quietly spoke with her.
"By the power the Gods invoked in me, I instill into you pain. The pain of the millions like me who were slain and conquered by your hand. But I, I shalt not be slain. I shalt not be conquered by thee. You shall feel the wrath. You shall feel revenge. You shall feel yourself, Vaermina. The wrath of your God-Almighty Self, my Queen."
Evangeline's arms rose, outstretched towards the sky. Objects whirled and twirled around her, and a green mass consumed her. Everything fell silent. Vaermina even did.
Swiftly, she walked towards the mass, assuming her storm had defeat the girl.
Vaermina turned. "Silly child, thinking her words could over-come my actions? Pft! I have slain the girl!" Vaermina announced.
But suddenly, the green mass shook, and Vermina turned and her face was injected with fear. The green mass busted apart. Falling over Vaermina and absorbing her soul. She yelled and screamed for her followers to help. But one by why, a red soul came out of them and their eyes turned the brightest of greens. Vaermina wallowed in self-pity. She was defeated and consumed by the mass at last.
Evangeline fell to her knees, weak. She threw her head back, looking at the skies. Thanking the graces of the Gods, whomever had helped her through this and overcome her bloodline. Overcome her ancestry and overcome the fear.
Points:
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Hey there!
As LadyFreeWill said, the format is off. Try breaking up the bigger paragraphs, indenting, and putting dialogue separate from the regular lines. I think you made Evangeline pass out/black out far to much, without a really strong reason. It seemed like you put her in the same position over and over again, without any changes. Also, I think this should have been a longer story. As a short story, it poses many questions.
* Who exactly is this queen? ( I think she is Evangeline's mother, but what is she the queen of?)
* Why does she want Evangeline? (The meaning of what Evangeline is doing evades me)
* What is the language spoken? (Specifying that will clarify who the main characters are)
* Why is Vaermina's name spelled two different ways? (I'm assuming it's just an error)
* Who are these Gods?
* What exactly is her bloodline?
* What is she fighting against in her bloodline?
* What were they doing to her in the beginning?
* Who is the man who helps her?
* What is the significance of the green eyes?
* What are the images being shown?
* Why does she need to defeat the Queen?
I just think the whole things needs so much clarification, and less repetition. Honestly, I think this would work better if the story was longer.
I did like the concept, so props for that.
~Epic
Okay... Nice names (very creative), first of all. I'm wondering if you used Google Translate for this, because the 'you' is only 'vous' if it's plural (like a family). Otherwise it should be 'Tu es' (using the etre verb, blah blah blah). Yeah, so. /too lazy to review, just gonna comment for the time being\
You also have a strange format for this story. I suggest indenting to make it more aesthetically pleasing.