The sun always shone through the curtain in his room. He had tried everything to block it out, and he’d finally accepted that it never really leaves. Now, every morning, as the light inches itself over the golden mountains, he wakes and whispers for Mabel. She never comes, though he still waits until his mother drags from the warmth. She dresses him, she always has and as she throws a sweater onto his limp body, he screams for Mabel once again. His mother murmurs in his ear and he tries to believe every word she says, but he can’t. He curls his tiny fingers into a fist and lunges at her but his legs collapse beneath him. His mother pulls him by his fragile shoulders and screams at him, she calls him Aubin but he knows his name is Jaak. Her mouth is wide open, her lips pursed at the edges and chapped from the wind. As she shrieks warm spit touches his nose, he hates how close she is. She drops him, his feet smashing to the ground, his shoulders are red and sore, they will bruise. He closes his eyes, but quickly opens them again, he doesn’t want to miss anything. A man walks in, he is tall, but he does not intimidate the boy. He recognises the man and stands on his tattered feet. The boy touches him, he feels the bumps on his hands and thick veins that cover his fingers. But the man pushes him away, scowling.
‘Olev’ The boy whispers and shocks himself.
The man stands still, his lips quivering. He pulls his chin up and calls the boy Aubin. The boy tells them, he screams at them, that his name is Jaak and he wants to know were Mabel is. Olev and Jaak’s mother look at each other, and suddenly the boy realises they do not know who Mabel is. He wants to tell them who she is, he wants to explain the way her eyes change colour when clouds leap over the sky. But he can’t. He shoves his hands in his pockets and sighs. He walks out, watching his feet, they scream for Aubin to come back but Jaak does not turn for he does not know who Aubin is.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This is really interesting! It's mysterious...I can't wait to find out what happens next!
The biggest problem that I see with this piece is that you do a lot of telling, and don't show much. I understand that using a child's POV is difficult, but if you tried to show this abusive world of his through his eyes, the story would make more sense and would be more enjoyable to read.
My only other suggestion would be to add more. The biggest concern would be exposition; what is the boy seeing around him when he wakes up (besides the mountains)? What does his room look like? Is it familiar to him?
This is a nice piece; I hope to see more of your writing.
River
Hello! Welcome to YWS! I thought I would stop by and take a peek at what you've presented us!
First, let me share our wonderful Eleven Commandments of YWS listed simply and beautifully in Rules--MUST READ written by our lovely administrator, Nate. If we scroll a short ways down so we can comfortably see the Fourth Commandment, we will find that it says post two reviews before posting anything of your own.
Critique time! Yay!
Grammar and First Impressions
Because of the short length, I'll give you a line-by-line.
Right away, your first sentence is very clunky because of the word shone. It's not a very pretty word, really.
I have this inkling to insert would in this clause. ...that it would never leave him alone. <== This might work better.
Teehee! ^^
She always has is extra information that can be set aside using dashes.
Woot! FANBOYS speech!
And is one of our awesome-possum FANBOYS, but only sometimes does it get a comma. If there is an independent clause [a complete sentence] on either side of the FANBOYS, it gets a comma!
And then there's another rule that basically says a semi should go in front of but here, but no one knows that rule.
FANBOYS! Watch out for 'em!
This sounds so robotic and monotone that I didn't really like it. Is there no way to make it more effective? I'm more than sure there is. Rewrite this part. ^^
Commas do not -- I repeat: Do not -- separate sentences. They need a FANBOYS to do so. In this case, there is no FANBOYS; therefore, no comma. Commas do not separate sentences.
The boy touches... the man? Or himself? And you can use semis, but make sure the sentence doesn't have more than one semi in it.
Are we against quotation marks? ("...") They come in handy, really. Even whispers get quotation marks.
Or a semi if you believe in my rule before.
Overall
I don't know what happened. I...don't.
I hope I wasn't too harsh. ^^ Don't get discouraged by my grammar check; I'm a very big grammar nut.
If you have any questions, comments, complaints, requests, etc., PM me. I'd be more than happy to help.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
I thought it was a good story. Really short but good. I saw a grammatical error but I honestly have no idea how you can fix it; probably because I just woke up. I'm confused, though; why do Olev and Jaak's mother call him Aubin when she knows his name is Jaak? Whose Mabel?
Comma after shrieks and maybe try And after nose instead of a comma.This is the one I don't know how to help you fix. I would say to try As after Him but you've already got another As and it wouldn't sound right. Maybe try Because?