Young Writers Society

As I read your piece I had shiver down my spine, my heart raced and I had very clear images in my mind. I my self i have been victim of a similar crime that haunts me still. You clearly write from a place deep inside of you. That is where the best writing comes from. And clearly you have a way with words that I'm very jealous of and Im honoured to read your piece. I encourage you to keep right out of that deep place, you have the power to heal souls with truth never doubt that.

The way you started off beautifully and I could feel the sunshine dancing on my skin as you described the girl dancing, and then it hit me the darkness and I almost didn't want to read any further. And yet the whole poem has a kind soft songy flow to it. I imagine it being told by a girl staring out the window on a summers day staring at the pavement on which she once danced before in the past with an innocent heart. So it brings over a heavy feel of dark irony for me. Which makes my hair stand up on the back of my neck. So yes you created very strong imagery for me.

I'm sorry if this is a lousy review its my first havent done any of these efore, hope it makes sence.

Keep writing, and making the world a better place one word at a time.
the._.diarist

Hi there, welcome to Young Writers Society, I hope you're enjoying the site so far.

To start off, I'll note that I might suggest adding a rating of "16+" and "V" (for violence) because of the implied violence and assault in the piece may be triggering or disturbing for some members. I generally think it's good to lean on the site of caution with ratings. Thank you.

Alright, so I think you have a really nice narrative in this piece - that is to say it is clear what happens. The child gets attacked, they wake up in the hospital and sort of ask why in the world this would happen to them and contemplate whether their identity has changed for themselves or in the eyes of their parents. And then in the last stanza I think it depicts the survivor 6 years later in a court room possibly and unable to get justice. That is powerful and certainly an important issue in our world today where victims of violent are still often not believed and have to go through all these hoops in the court-room and then sometimes never actually get justice despite the emotional and physical scars that might be left for them.

Since that last stanza is so crucial to the impact piece of the poem, you could make it more explicitly clear by changing "Sir" to "Your Honor" or "Judge" - to show it was in a court-room. Although I might be interpreting that scene incorrectly.


One of the other nice aspects of this poem was the rhyme scheme - it carried the poem along in almost a sing-songy or ballad way that when contrasted with the horrific story, made the idea even more shocking and sad. Because obviously it's really tragic when this happens, and especially so for children.

This stanza I found a tad confusing;

Agony enveloped me the blankets of desperation

And took all my untroubled days away;

To every twinge I got, I asked Papa,

“Was your goddess meant to be treated that way?”