z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Darkness Awaits

by satynenovak


Darkness Awaits

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
105 Reviews

Points: 6357
Reviews: 105

Donate
Mon Oct 21, 2013 12:10 am
emjayc wrote a review...



Extremely well written and interesting! Watch your diction, though, because you're a bit too wordy at times for the tone that you are using. The story could be fleshed out more, but I enjoyed it. You chose quite a unique setting. Keep up the good work :)




satynenovak says...


Thank you!



User avatar
57 Reviews

Points: 291
Reviews: 57

Donate
Sun Oct 20, 2013 11:43 am
D4RKR4VEN wrote a review...



Interesting story set in a relatively uncommon locale. I didn't regret reading through this one. Anyway, I am The Raven and I will be reviewing your work at this moment. My review will be divided between What is Good and What Needs Improvement/Suggestions. Now, let's get down to business, shall we?

What is Good:
1) Your grasp of the language is obvious in that no mistakes are obvious. I couldn't see any grammatical errors or any kind of errors. Your vocabulary is well developed, and it didn't seem to be abused for no good reason either - control is just as important as power.

2) You managed to pull off a fairy-tale like quality to it. If done right, it's always a bonus just like any other genre. It just so happens that a lot of works in specific genres weren't done well.

What Needs Improvement/Suggestions:
1) I find your use of devices unwieldy.

wicked winter wind that threatened to nip at her ankles


Why nip at her ankles specifically? The wind doesn't discriminate body parts, even if the cold it brings is very sharp.

idiosyncratic fortress


This is too technical. Why not hint at the idiosyncratic nature of the fortress instead?

He looked like a broken doll at this point


This comes across as too exaggerated.

where the moonlight bid them merry, safe dreams.


So there's no moonlight in Chernobyl?

He'd walked right into the radiation's arms


Why arms? I wouldn't immediately associate the influence of radiation with arms. Why not tentacles? Why not a cloak? Why not the skirt of a jellyfish, or something like that?

2) Other than that, I noticed your use of the antiquated words 'betwixt' and 'twas'. Either they're antiquated or they stood out too much because the rest of the story's language did not fit. I'm afraid the anachronism isn't working. Either change them or change the other 99% of your words to fit those two.

3) Another small detail...

Alexi, her elder brother, threw open the door with his foot.


Why did he throw open the door with his foot? Can't it be opened with his hands?

4) Also, I noticed that you like to tell us how we should feel in certain situations. Example:

horrifying sound of crackling in the bushes.


Why is it horrifying? It feels vacant, and thus not horrifying.

You did this also to tell us exactly how your characters feel, but not hint at it. Example:

he was starting to feel uneasy


Okay... but give us the symptoms too.

5) There are several plot holes, some obvious, some not so. For example, the most glaring one that jabbed at my side the most was the fact that Katyusha seems to be immune to radiation. The other one is not strictly a hole, but a floor made of paper - I can't really believe that they would just go to Chernobyl like that just for some thrill, when the wind is already a huge problem. Moreover, I find it hard to believe that they won't just turn back at any time. They need real motivations.

6) The short story is too short. Nothing really happens to them. Your short story can be summarised in one sentence: Kids got bored, goes to Pripyat, encounters dogs and radiation and retreats home. This is not good.

That's all I can think of. I hope my review helps. Write on!




satynenovak says...


{--Thank you for your input, Raven! I am always looking for suggestions and I will be sure to improve my writing. I'd love to lengthen my story, and get deeper, however this was an essay and was put within a deadline for how many words you could use. Perhaps I'll make a longer version on here. Thanks always!
-Satyne



User avatar
6 Reviews

Points: 905
Reviews: 6

Donate
Sun Oct 20, 2013 11:20 am
MonicaMorgan wrote a review...



Hello there I m MOnica and I will give you a brief review for your story.
Even though I m not a fan of the genre I enjoyed your story.
However you could use more metaphors in your story and deeper meanings. Examine more the realistic aspects and combine them with fantacy that would make any story in a piece of art.

I liked the way you worked with the language and the wording in general is very delicate in my opinion. I just prefer deeper more philosophical content.

Very good work nonetheless keep it up.





When we are children we seldom think of the future. This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind