Removed for editing. Thanks for reading!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Wao~~~I must really say that you guys are really good at your grammar and english!I hope I can be you too!Your overall are so gd!
(PS:If i need any help,may i ask you?)
by the way, i think this is a very intersting story, once i read it, i got fitted with it! Sorry i cn't give you any advise cuz i'm not good with them. i can only give you compliments~~!!!Hehe~~~I really like the part about the camera part~~~Keep up with your good job!!!!
~~~Love, Dylan
Hello there
I have got to say, your writing is just so immaculate. I had to smile occasionally when I read sentences that were so descriptive and on the dot, they just rolled over the tongue. You were able to set a mood and vivid images throughout the whole story and this made me read on until the end. Now, I'm not going to waste your time by mumbling my nonsense and instead just click on *like*.
Good work dude, respect.
First off, thanks for reading and the very thoughtful review. It makes me feel special.
Second, you are an extremely astute reader. Good job!
I'll respond line by line here, as I imagine you had many questions other readers will have or never knew they had.
Mail line:
You are correct. Your version is better. Will edit.
A minute passing:
Oh no! I used to have that pet peeve, too, but then I forgot I had it because I hadn't really thought about it for a while. Thanks for keeping me in line. I'll think of something else that conveys "a good amount of time passing."
Tense switches:
Ahh yes. If there's anything I'm guilty of, it's inserting weird things without giving my readers enough warning or hints.
You say:
so if you don't want the full reveal, don't click the spoiler.
Spoiler
However! I am well aware that I didn't do this very well. It's frighteningly difficult. I'm still debating how things should be phrased, how it should stand out, and whether or not it should be in there at all. I thought about parentheses and keeping it in past tense...or italics and going back and making the dialogue in quotes...decisions decisions.
Bumping forehead:
I like this version: "She smacked me on the back of the head, bumping my forehead on the window." Thanks!
Meticulous battlements and the lack of "see":
Curses! You're right, I missed a word. =\
We all know that isn't what will happen:
I think I should take out the "we all" and just say "I." It sounds rather corny with "we."
Romeo and Juliet:
Hmmm...you're right, it is a little out of left field. I was tickled by the idea of a tragedy play where, no matter how many times you watch the play acted out, it will always be a tragedy. And again, the "Now I must take a moment" is the Present MC taking a pause from his delusions to wonder why he is so obsessed with this small scene that probably lasted no longer than 10 seconds in all, but he stretches it to several paragraphs.
Repetition of "long":
I could go with your version. Losing the "long" is no big impact and if it reads better for some while not suffering, then why not.
"I shouldn't be drinking this", "If I left--if I leave--":
Again, Present MC rearing his ugly head, poking and prodding to figure out if these are factors he should delete to alter the past.
Introduction of the third character:
Okay. I'll consider being less blatant about it. If there's anything I enjoy, it's clipping away the extraneous.
Response to your "Overall..." paragraph:
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind....you really are a sharp cookie, aren't you?
Spoiler
Your notice of the numbers:
This is where your real astuteness kicks in, because this was never planned, but I can definitely see where I led you astray. It's quite accidental. It starts with 27 because that's how many exposures most disposable cameras come in. (Fun fact: it's 27 because the film is preloaded by machines in a darkroom, so there's no danger of ruining the film. But when you buy individual rolls of film, they come as "24" because when you manually load it, you're expected to ruin 3 picture-lengths of film when you expose it to light.) However, now that you mention it, I would really be pleased as punch to make it a meaningful pattern. So you have my many, many thanks for that idea.
So overall: I thank you many, many more times for enjoying my writing. Makes it all worthwhile, y'know!
Hullo!
Quite possibly my favorite line in the whole piece.This feels a little awkward to me... maybe say "Even the pieces of mail seemed to sigh when..."? It just seems strange to call it "mail" and then call it "they."
You definitely don't have to change this if you don't want to, but do you mean that exactly a minute passed? People do this a lot and it's sort of a pet-peeve of mine. Did he sit there for exactly sixty seconds before replying, or are you just using the term "minute" to mean "a little while?" Again, it's absolutely up to you, but maybe try "moment" instead?
I'm a little confused -- shouldn't this be in past tense? I believe "will" should be changed to "would."
This sort of makes me think that he bumped his forehead into the window intentionally... like a "head/desk" moment, you know? I don't think that's what you meant! I would change it to: "She smacked me on the back of the head, and my forehead bumped into the window." or "She smacked me on the back of the head, bumping my forehead on the window."
I was really confused by this sentence for the first... like... five times I read it. >.< But I think you just left out a word: "I had meticulously marked out some battlements when I looked up to see Sheila charging through and hooting."
I'm a little confused about the tenses here, too... and who is "we?" I think you mean "we" to be the narrator and the readers, but it still seems strange. I think that's because you don't talk directly to your readers anywhere else in the piece, so this feels out of place.
I'm not sure what purpose this bit serves other than to confuse things... is the Romeo and Juliet reference supposed to be metaphorical about your characters? I'm a little confused. :/
This part is a little awkward, and I think the repetition of "long" is the culprit. Maybe try saying something like "...taking as long as possible just so that she had something to do with her hands."
Another slightly awkward tense moment -- I think maybe this should be "Among them, I wondered if maybe I shouldn't have been drinking this."
Again, I'm confused with the tenses. Only this time it's absolutely intentional -- why? Maybe I just don't understand.
I don't think you need to say this -- I think readers could infer it themselves. We'd realize that it was the only time a third character was involved in the story, and we would make the realization ourselves, rather than reading about your character making it.
------------------------
Overall, I really liked this piece. I was intrigued when I saw the title, and after I started reading I was sucked in right up until the end... maybe even a little after. The Möbius feeling of it was really fascinating. The paragraph that was repeated in the beginning and in the end, did that actually happen twice, or did the narrative just loop us back to the beginning? Did he already have the image of the spilled cocktail before it happened, signifying that it had happened before? Or did he remember it from when it happened... in the future? These are, of course, questions to be pondered, not answered. It reminds me a lot of the Charlie Kaufman film Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. Have you seen it? Anyhow, I was also intrigued by the main character (he doesn't have a name, does he?). He is so despicable, yet so utterly fascinating! He is selfish -- when Sheila dies/gets injured, all he thinks about is the fact that he has lost her. It isn't at all different to him that when they had just broken up. He didn't have her either way, so what difference does it make? We don't even know if she died or not, because it doesn't make a difference to him and he's the one telling the story. He doesn't even get mad at the driver for the hit-and-run, or feel guilty for pushing her into the road. He just convinces himself that it didn't happen because, after all, if it only existed in his memory then it didn't really exist at all... right?
Also, I appreciate the repetition of "lucky seven/unlucky six" throughout the piece. The camera starts out with twenty-seven pictures on it (which seems like a strange number to me) and it seems like the possibilities are endless. When there are twenty-six is when you start to realize that there really is tension between the two characters. Skip forward a bit and there are seventeen pictures left. Again, they're doing fine and they seem to be getting along -- but when he takes one more is when everything starts hurtling downhill. Essentially, there is an iciness between the characters from that point forward. It was from the seven-pictures-left mark to the six-pictures-left mark that this pattern changed, since when there were six left they were still getting along fairly well. She invites him in for a drink, and they don't argue for a little while. I'm not sure if this break of the pattern was intentional or not -- but at least it's something for you to think about, because a pattern is hardly a pattern if it gets broken after only two iterations.
The other minor issue I had with this was your tense switching. I pointed out a few moments where it felt like there were awkward sentences, but I think the issue is deeper than that. You see, I'm not sure exactly what the story is. Is it supposed to be something that is being written down by the main character -- like a journal entry? Or is it a story being told by the main character, as to a confidante? Or is it just a stream of consciousness? Is this what we would see if we were to enter his mind and take a look at what he is thinking? I'm not sure, and that makes the piece be somewhat fuzzy in my mind. If you don't want this part of the writing to be fuzzy, then I suggest clearing up this confusion. If, on the other hand, you do want it to be fuzzy, then elaborate! Make it even more confusing about what is being remembered, what is being thought, and what is being foretold.
Overall, like I said before, I am quite impressed by this piece. It's one of those pieces you can read multiple times and ponder endlessly and it will always seem like there is more, lurking somewhere under the surface. More metaphors, more correlations, more mysteries. All of the suggestions I've made are just that -- suggestions. Opinions. Take them or leave them, but I hope at least they make you think a little.
Please don't hesitate to contact me if I was unclear about anything or if you simply want to comment on/argue about anything I've said. :)
a