Young Writers Society

God damn it Sarg. You make reviewing tough. Every time I go to critique this my fingers strike the keys but only one line comes out, over and over.

'This is easily the most professional piece I have read on YWS.'

When I have time I will give this attention. I will take to it with a machete and mad eyes. Hacking away for a weak spot. It's made so much tougher thanks to Kafka, who simply plucked the few comments I may have had and declared them as only Kafka can. I will be back, back it will probably be more fanboy gush, and less serious criticism. The type of things I might say about Bukowski (he is one of your influences right? You authored American cynic, you've got a little Bukowski in you.)

JP

Back. Sorry about that.

I want to say I have some tangible commentary to offer you but, in all honesty, I don't. This felt more like a mini-me version of one of those "literary albums," the ones that rove endlessly between disconnected, microcosmic fragments - than anything else. You know - Egan - Kipling - ? Those books (not quite stories) that don't really have a beginning, don't really have a climax, a denouement. They just exist, and flourish in their existence, then disappear without a ripple and leave the reader somewhat weary but also somewhat awestruck. The author would routinize the jerky transition from story to story, get the reader used to it, get the reader expecting those little flashes of brilliance that would glint from the individual chapters and then the story ends.

Fragmentedness in itself is not a bad thing, but there's a point where a cracked window starts to break, so to speak, and I think you may be closing in on that point. The point I am talking about is the point where the reader begins to lose track of the underlying story, begins to lose track of chronology, and so individual events begin to lose their meaning and placement. This is where I perceive things to be headed, but I suppose we'll just have to see once part two is released from your quarantine.

Try expanding the wingspan of your fragments a bit, merge some, remove irrelevancies. Fewer and longer fragments will allow for greater cohesion, greater memorability, a more defined storyline, all that.

Near the beginning of the piece, the dialogue between Martin, Jack, and Aileen is simply jarring. It's as if each is attempting to boast their respective poetic dexterity (Jack and Aileen, at least); this, stewed with that Chekhov-esque jumpiness in topic, really weakened your beginning. Perhaps you are attempting to forge some link between Jack and Aileen, or perhaps your purposes are purely artistic, but I'd like to see more realism to start things out.

Your prose was beautiful - replete with imagery, replete with emotion, slow-going and philosophical, relatable. I have but one real criticism in this department: despite the attractiveness of your current voice, there are times when you overdo yourself in the way of description. Sometimes you insert a metaphor or simile where there is none needed, sometimes your sentences are weighed down by an obesity of adjectives. Keep in mind that in some cases, it's perfectly fine to just outright say something. It may help to balance things out.

“Ah!” she cried out and let go so quickly that she stumbled and fell into my arms. For a breathless moment we stayed like that and she looked up at me and our faces were inches apart.

Accidentally posted this when I went to click preview, sorry.

I will be back for you.

Afternoon, Sarg.

So I don’t do fiction reviews very often. Heck, this is probably the one fiction review I’ll do all month, but I stumbled onto this piece, and ended up glad that I did, despite its ridiculous length. And honestly, maybe that’s not such a bad thing. It seems like a test of character, almost. Will the reviewer actually read it all? It works as a primary critique for your piece, I think, when you dose out lengths like this. But by that test, you passed with me. I was rather hooked, actually, and I think you have the changing timelines to thank for that. It’s an interesting technique—something Palahniuk picked up on in ’99 when he put out Invisible Monsters. You slowly wind into the characters and get engrossed to find out what happens between A and Z because you start at Z and have to fill in the blanks.

It’s gorgeous storytelling, I think, and it works well with the way the human mind works, too, and I think that’s something you’re doing naturally here, if not intentionally. Your narrator, with the exception of one event, fades from scene to scene based on jogs in his memory—tiny jolts of oh, what about this—and it really makes the flow of the piece much better in the respect that it’s almost like the reader is thinking it. So you’ve captured a stream of consciousness fairly well.

There was, however, a break in that. And it drove me insane.

Was that really what I said? No, I could not have been that forward that soon. Perhaps I am confusing it with another night we spent together. Let me straighten my notes, stake out landmarks in time as surely as a charted river, and revisit this night at a later time.

“Get to know you. Make you laugh. Show you what I’m writing.” Impetuousness took the momentum and tumbled recklessly forward. “Maybe fall in love with you.”

The MC's voice confused me at first. The way he spoke wasn't straight forward and some times it took me a couple of goes to understand what he was saying, but then the deeper I got into it, the more I understood that it's the way he is. He seems like a pretty complex character.

It's brilliant really, how I've only read something pretty small, in relation to the whole story, but I already feel like I know a lot about him. Both present and past. We know he has a dad who's not as crazy as he seems. He's actually got a point, with the photographs. It was a nice concept. We know he has a sister, who seems pretty nice seeing that she's only been referred to a bit. We know about his prom date, and his first crush, and all without it having been shoved down our thoats via huge paragraphs stating all of the big events of his life so far. It's already made him seem remarkably human and realistic. I understand how he talks and acts now, so the dialogue doesn't phase me as much. I'm actually enjoying reading about a character who doesn't talk like a 15 year old girl with an attitude problem - don't judge me on my novel choices, huh It's like there's life behind his words.

I liked Aileen. The way she spoke was poetic and she seemed to match Jack in character. They both seem to have the same traits and view on life, so the conversations sounded realistic. I want to know what happened to her.

The way you tell this story confused me at first. It seemed too jumpy and I was getting a little dizzy trying to keep up with what was going on, but again, the deeper I got into the story, the more it all made sense. I liked how the photograph piece linked back to the beginning, when he was trying to remember what she looked like.

I liked the telecoms scene. It's so true. I love it when I can relate to things that are going on in a story.

“‘Hello, may I speak with Mr. Alex Oya--Oha...yashi?’” She chuckled to herself. “Sometimes I can hear other people laughing in the background. Kids giggling. The sounds of chatter, especially around the holidays. They hate me for bothering them. They just missed a joke that they’ll have to go back and ask the others to explain and it won’t be the same the second time.”

Noted.