I want to give credit to the band who sings 'Girl Crush', Little Big Town. They are an amazing band, who really hit home with this song for a lot of people, not just girls. Please enjoy, and I would love your feedback!
I've got a girl crush, hate to admit it but, I've got a heart rush, it’s not slowing down. I got it real bad, want everything she has, that smile and that midnight laugh, she’s giving you now. I wanna taste her lips, yeah cause they taste like you. I wanna drown myself in a bottle of her perfume. I want her long blonde hair, I want her magic touch. Cause maybe then you’d want me just as much.
I saw him with her again today. They were at the food court in the mall. She was laughing at something he had said, probably the same old thing he always did with me before he asked me out. That stupid act of his where he would pretend to spill his drink on himself, and in the midst of laughing about it he would knock his drink onto his lap.
He saw me today, though. But he didn't wave, not anymore. He just focused back on her, like I never meant anything to him.
I've got a girl crush.
I don’t get no sleep, I don’t get no peace, thinking about her, lying under your bed sheets. The way that she’s whispering, the way that she’s pulling you in. Lord knows I've tried, I can’t get her off my mind. I wanna taste her lips. Cause they taste like you. I wanna drown myself in a bottle of her perfume. I want her long blond hair. I want her magic touch, cause maybe then you’d want me just as much.
She saw him look over at me, and she stares at me as I walk by, my head hanging down in shame. I can’t look at them with it being three months out of the relationship he and I had together, it's too soon for my tired eyes and broken heart. It longs for him to realize what a mistake he made, going after that bimbo. I am so jealous of her; She’s so pretty, with her long and wavy blonde hair and her green eyes with hazel specks in them. He always told me that they were just friends. She hated me when I dated him. She still hates me, and I've never done anything to her, I can't quite comprehend why she would hate me. He's the one that broke up with me when I found them making out in a restaurant.
I've got a girl crush, hate to admit it but, I've got a heart rush, and it’s not slowing down.
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138,198 Literary Works • 672,081 Reviews
Hello and welcome to YWS!
First off, please do give credit to the artist for the lyrics you are using. I won't lie, I saw the first paragraph and thought you were posting plagiarism. >_> I suggest italicizing the lyrics so it's distinctly separate from your story and then adding an author's note at the bottom of this to give credit to Little Big Town.
One nitpick:
You get a bit confusing there. Consider rewording that part of the sentence because I'm not entirely sure what you mean.
Besides that, your story was pretty good! Although it was short, considering how it's only two paragraphs if I remove the lyrics. Consider adding in more. I want to know how the narrator feels. Why did they break up? How did the narrator feel when they saw him? How did they feel, seeing him with someone else, and especially so quickly?
I do think you could do a bit better with having the lyrics relate to your story and vise versa. The narrator doesn't show much envy or desire to be the woman the ex is with; all the narrator shows is humility and embarrassment at being caught for staring. Where's the envy? Where's the longing for when he strokes her cheek or when they hold hands? Make the story relate to the work or you might as well not have them at all, because they need to make complete sense.
Other than that, like I said, this was pretty good for being so short. Lemme know if you expand more and I'll give it a look.
Hope that helps!
~Iggy
Thank you! It did help. I had the song lyrics italicized, but I don't know what happened. When I had written the part that he played a joke as if he spilled his drink on his pants and he actually does, I didn't realize that it would need to be reworded.
I envision what I write before it goes on paper, if that made any sense. I saw the male character as tipping his drink over, joking as if he was going to spill it, but actually spilling it in the process.
I saw it as a lame idea of his to get the girl he's with to laugh at him. He had done that with the lead female character. I'll take it into more consideration if I ever come back to the plot.
It has been updated, if you would like to reread it
Is there more to this story? If not, I think it should be classed as poetry. It’d be more appropriate in that format because it does have a consistent rhyming scheme. The speaker hopes to be like the girl her ex’s dating, referring to it as her “girl crush”. Your choice of words is interesting; I was fascinated by it. I obviously mistook it as an actual crush at first, but the more I read it, the more it became clearer. Just one thing: there’s a long space between your last sentence and the paragraph above it. Is it purely intentional or simply a mistake? Except that, very well done! I truly enjoyed reading this.
There is more, but it's incomplete. The story itself comes from a song, which I enjoyed listening to because I connected to it.
It was intentional at first, but now I see it's very long, and I'll come back soon to fix it.
It has now been updated, if you'd like, you can come back to reread it.
Sure! I'll read it as soon as I can!
It's much better now. Well done!
Lau here for a review!
I really liked this, maybe you could make a Poem out of this? If you do, please PM me. I would love to hear it. Anyway, I liked the context, but if you want to keep it in a text, then add more details. That way we can really see what you mean. But if it is for your creative writing class, then maybe you can't change it.
It actually is the beginning of an old work I wrote a few months ago. Would you like to see what I had?
I have updated it. I also got a 100 on my portfolio. It was only for a "proof of submission" type of thing. If you'd like, you can reread it and give another review. I'm trying really hard to become a better writer.
Yes, of course I would love to read it. It's my last day of school today, so I will do it when I come back.