Walking to technology seemed longer today, was it because I was thinking of him? His liquid purple and blue eyes, his shaggy fair hair, just thinking of him gave me this longing feeling. Before him, I thought I would never belong.
Chapter 1
Get a life
Boarding school was horrible, though in some ways it’s good, if you have parents that drink your body weight a week. This Boarding school reminded me of my home back in England. The dusty old books, that looked like they have never been opened. The walls looked like it was growing mould; the wallpaper had a flower print on it that which was faded. The floor was covered in what can only be described as chalk. I hadn’t realised I was day dreaming until I heard Miss Halggarts shrill and high voice “Hailey! Get out of my classroom!” Her spit drowning my book as she spoke. I packed up my books and pushed past her, but tripping over my own feet and falling full force to the ground, the wooden floor making it all the more painful. I stood up and briskly walked away hoping that I hadn’t make too much of a fool of myself. I limped down the corridor to the principals offices. When I turned the corner to the office I saw him, Ryan Grein, probably the nicest looking guy in St Anita’s, I liked him though, so did almost everyone in our school, but I was far from his type he had dark brown hair and green eyes he was tall and strong. I had light long brown hair; I was slim, I hadn’t filled out as expected. I had brown eyes. As I walked to the chairs were he was sitting, he gave me a nod, the seats outside the office were in a line against the dusty wooden panelled wall as I approached the chairs the bell rings for next class, he was in my next class, but he walked past me as if I were invisible, I’m surprised he just doesn’t just try walk through me. I turned round to go to next class hoping I would catch up and he walked with me, but I didn’t get to him in time. I walked down the poorly lighted corridors alone. I hated this school! Everyone here seemed so dam happy, like there life was perfect, well compared to mine it must be.
As I walked into class I got a couple of laughs, probably laughing at me falling over. I felt the blood rush to my cheeks but I just walked to my desk beside Nick, he was my best friend probably my only friend, but I loved him, like a brother. He looked strange today; I just ignored him and kept my head down. The top of my desk was scratched and written on. I luv JB, I groan into my self.
“Aren’t you going to ask me what’s wrong?” I couldn’t be bothered today but I said
“Of course what’s wrong Nick?”
Even though I wasn’t going to listen, my mind was else were today. But he got my attention when he said Ryan, my head always snapped up at the sound of his name,
“…needs to get his work done and stop coping mine,” he seemed really annoyed.
“Just let him copy,” and I wish I never said it because he didn’t talk to me for the rest of the class and when I tried to talk to him he would swear and do his work. I thought that was completely uncalled for.
I felt relived when the final bell of the day rung, Nick had his books away and was out of the class room in a what seemed like a second. Almost leaving a Nick shaped cloud behind, like in the cartoons.As I walked out of the class I saw Nick, quiet and weak Nick, throw a punch at Ryan straight at his eye, I had never seen Nick like that as his dark brown hair fell across his face and the way he held himself his blue eyes filled with anger, it scared me. Ryan was lying on the ground, soaking in all the attention he was receiving. The teacher came rushing out, while all of the girls ran to Ryan, he seemed to enjoy it, I ran over to Nick and he turned away
“Nick? What the hell?”
“Hailey, go away, just go away.” He seemed angry,
I felt sick,
“What? I don’t understand.” My heart ached was this really happening? Was I dreaming?
“Go away! Leave me alone!”
The teacher pulled him away; I had never seen him like this, not once.
I spent the rest of the day in the hospital ward as well as a lot of other girls in our class; it was quite apart from a few girls asking if Ryan needed anything. The ward was dimly light, there were six rows of beds each row had five beds, it was a depressing place. Nick was taken out of school until after Christmas; I don’t know what I’m going to do for three months on my own. But my mind kept wandering of Nick and on to Ryan, I felt sorry for him he didn’t seem to notice me and he had every other girl in the class, so I left them to it,
As I was walking to my dormitory I noticed how old are school actually was, the corridor was lined with huge pictures of gothic priest, Father Michael, Father John, Father Kieran. All the way from the principal’s office to my dorm.
My dorm was a miserable place to be the walls were cream with old brown curtains, my walls were covered in pictures but Angelia’s side had posters of herself, and some celebrities. Angelia was my roommate but also the only girl in St Anita’s that makes me want to throw up, I mean come on pull your skirt down, I came up to my dorm room to find someone sitting on my bed surely it wasn’t Angelia, she was probably down with Ryan, Angela was tall, thin and had black shinny hair and nicely tanned skin, in all fairness she was plain gorgeous. But this person was tall with light hair; my heart skipped a beat as I realised who it was
“Nick! What are you doing here?”
“Hello to you to though I was expecting a hug.”
“Of course,”
I ran to hug him and then I remembered Ryan and I slapped him. Shock flooded his face and he grabbed me and hugged me, we always hugged but this felt weird, awkward. Then he let me go, he was crying, he made me cry, my heart always gave out to his face. He sat down on my bed, There was millions of bad things I wanted to scream at him, questions I wanted to ask him like What are you doing in my room? Or what the hell I thought you weren’t aloud back?
“W…w…what are you doing here?”
“I got kicked out of my house apparently I am too irresponsible,”
I hated Nicks mum she abused him no wonder his dad left her, only then did I notice the cut on the side of his face, it ran from his jaw to his eye.
“Nick did she do that to you?”
“Do what?” Nick asked looking at me from the side of his eye.
“That cut on your face.” I screeched at him.
“Yeh but it’s nothing.” He flinched as I tried to reach up and touch it.
“It’s nothing?” I repeated my voice coming out two octaves higher than I wanted.
“Hailey, leave it, please.” He started crying again I had to hug him but he seemed, angry
“What’s wrong?” Apart from the fact that his mum is an absolute bitch, now he has no where to go.
“Nothing’s wrong.”
He never seemed so frustrated; I decided to change the subject,
“So what are you going to do now?”
It worked.
“Well if I go home it means getting hit again I guess just camp out.”
He said in a pained voice.
“Where? How? Who with? You can’t what if something bad happens to you, please you can’t do this.” I stumbled over my sentences.
“I don’t know now but I’m not going back to her.” He held his head low.
“You won’t be aloud back here then.” I knew I was becoming annoying but I didn’t care. Losing my best friend isn’t what I need right now, I don’t care if I was being selfish.
He shrugged
“I don’t care.”
“So you are just going to leave me, just like that?” I moaned, my head was pounding and all I wanted to do was go to bed. I stared into Nicks blue eyes hoping to find an answer to all this, usually Nick had all the answers.
“I will come back for you I promise.” He gave me a look saying, I won’t I’m just saying that to shut you up.
“How am I supposed to believe you?” I half screamed at him.
“You’re just going to have to.” He muttered
“I can’t, please come back.” I wasn’t going to start crying not now; it would just make him feel bad.
“I will I promise,”
He muttered guiltily. I stood there with my mouth hanging half open.
He made his way through the window stopping to say,
“Here take this and don’t read it unless it’s important.” He took something out of his back pack.
“What is it?” I reached out to grab it.
“A journal, don’t let my mum find it please.”
“I won’t I promise,” and with that he left. I couldn’t believe this mite be the last time I would see him. I started to cry hoping that sleep would come but it didn’t I lay awake all night, just looking out the window, trying to remember everything about Nick. His smell of sweet apple on a spring day and pine from a Christmas tree with a bit of grit, I missed him already. I couldn’t bare think what would happen to him out there. Where would he go? Did he have friends I didn’t know about? Pain coursing through me, it wasn’t physical pain it was emotional. This was all happening far to fast for me to comprehend exactly what was going on.
* * *
The next day was lonely without Nick; it was going to be like this for at least three more months, Ms Harmon, Nick’s mum called me out of class to get Nick’s things from his dorm.
As I stepped into Nick’s room I saw the painting I gave him when we started boarding school it hurt thinking what was going to happen to him next, I had images of him getting sick out there with only the clothes he had on yesterday. Thought of losing my best friend stuck in the back of my mind, it scared me. When Ms Harmon left, she had taken everything out of his room apart from the picture I gave him and his journal, I had to get out of his room quickly because it hurt so much.
On the way back to class I looked in to see if Ryan was still in the ward, part of me hated him, but when I spotted him on his own I had to go to him. I walked to his bed the ward had five beds in a row. I sat on the end of his bed hoping he would wake up and talk.
“Wake up”
I whispered into his ear, but the nurse came in and said he was heavily sedated,
“For what exactly?”
“He had been kicked in the rib cage, breaking several ribs and almost puncturing his left lung.”
How long was I in the class room? How much had I actually missed? I actually became scared of Nick, he never done something like that.
I left the ward annoyed that my plan to get Ryan to like me, failed. I ran to my next class tears almost coming out, I lost my best friend, the guy I liked doesn’t like me back and I was on my own for three months. My class was at least five minutes away, if I walked, As I ran round the next corner, I saw a girl that I had never seen around the school before, I couldn’t stop myself in time I ran right into to her knocking us both of our feet, this wasn’t the first time I’ve found myself lying face down on the floor.
“Are you okay I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to hit you?”
“I’m okay.”
She was laughing hysterically. She was strange but I liked her.
“Are you new?” I asked confused
“Yes I’m Ella what’s your name?” She said happily
“Hailey, Where are you from?”
“That’s my business and no one else’s.”
“Oh sorry I ...I didn’t know”
I stuttered. She was laughing
“I’m only joking I was born and raised here In Ireland for fourteen years.” She stretched out her hand, I grabbed for her out stretched hand catching a glimpse of her watch,
I realised I was late for religion and Angelia was sure to make up some sort of lie, that girl has it in for me. “Sorry but I really have to go”
“Oh right, but before you go do you know where Brother John’s room is I have him for religion?”
“That’s what I have now I’ll show you, coming?”
We arrived at Religion; Brother John wasn’t too pleased with us arriving a half an hour late.
“Nice of you to join us today Miss O’Ryan.” He pointed me to my seat, I stared at the empty seat beside me, a hollow feeling filled my chest. Nick. Ella was placed in Nick’s seat. At least I was sitting beside someone I actually like.
We went through the day she had every single class together, Art, history, religion and maths. She was surely here to replace Nick, which made me want to cry, the thought of Nick never coming back to me. Though Ella was a really good friend she was just a tiny bit smaller than me with brown hair and green eyes, that you couldn’t stop looking at. Her skin wasn’t perfect but her face had its own special look. But she would always be the person that replaced Nick’s life with her own.
End of chapter
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139,267 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Hi Sarah!
In honour of RevMo 2020 one of the challenges is to review a piece of work from the month and year we joined the site. I'm ancient, so of course had to go back a while. I'm sorry if this means you get a random email notification almost 10 years after posting this... haha!
Anyway, onto the review.
This is a massive load of information for a first paragraph. The look of it is quite intimidating, and I think it probably puts people off from reading the rest, which is a shame!
I would break it up as follows:
Boarding school was horrible, though in some ways it’s good, if you have parents that drink your body weight a week.
This Boarding school reminded me of my home back in England. The dusty old books, that looked like they have never been opened. The walls looked like it was growing mould; the wallpaper had a flower print on it that which was faded. The floor was covered in what can only be described as chalk. I hadn’t realised I was day dreaming until I heard Miss Halggarts shrill and high voice
“Hailey! Get out of my classroom!” Her spit drowning my book as she spoke.
I packed up my books and pushed past her, but tripping over my own feet and falling full force to the ground, the wooden floor making it all the more painful. I stood up and briskly walked away hoping that I hadn’t make too much of a fool of myself. I limped down the corridor to the principals offices.
When I turned the corner to the office I saw him, Ryan Grein, probably the nicest looking guy in St Anita’s, I liked him though, so did almost everyone in our school, but I was far from his type he had dark brown hair and green eyes he was tall and strong. I had light long brown hair; I was slim, I hadn’t filled out as expected. I had brown eyes.
As I walked to the chairs were he was sitting, he gave me a nod, the seats outside the office were in a line against the dusty wooden panelled wall as I approached the chairs the bell rings for next class, he was in my next class, but he walked past me as if I were invisible, I’m surprised he just doesn’t just try walk through me. I turned round to go to next class hoping I would catch up and he walked with me, but I didn’t get to him in time.
I walked down the poorly lighted corridors alone. I hated this school! Everyone here seemed so dam happy, like there life was perfect, well compared to mine it must be.
See how that just makes it much easier to read? Ok, a few nitpicks with this section too. Make sure to watch your tenses - you slip back and forth a couple of times. For example:
I think this should be 'her spit drowned my book as she spoke'. It's some really good imagery, but it's lost somewhat when you switch tense.
Another thing for me is your description of you MC. It's a little cliche to describe them after noting that they aren't so and so's type. Maybe you could find a way of inserting her descriptions throughout the chapter so they aren't so obvious? E.g. saying she brushes her long dark hair out of her eyes? It makes it more natural for the reader.
Possibly a bit over dramatic in her reaction. The pacing here could be slowed down to really let us understand what she's feeling.
Again, I think the main problem here is pacing. Everything happens so quickly it's very hard for us to keep up!
Anyway, happy RevMo! Thanks for allowing me to relive my teenage years xD
Icy
Alright, to be honest this isn’t a bad storyline, but your main character is intolerable to me. I can’t stand how she only thinks about herself. It’s obvious to me that Nick needs some serious hugging right now, and if I was her I’d be skipping classes to make sure he was OK. It seems like the least I could do. Instead, your character complains about the drab cream colored walls and goes on about how tired she feels when Nick’s trying to tell her something important. I honestly can’t relate to her, and it makes me a little angry to see what her reactions are to delicate situations like this.
Also, there are many mistakes with spelling and punctuation that could easily be fixed by proofreading. I’m afraid this feels like a very rough draft, and I think this needs much work before you move on to the next part of this novel.
Good luck,
~black sheep
A review, as requested.
Its already been pretty thoroughly reviewed, so I'm just going to do the generals.
First, be VERY careful of run-on sentences. You have a lot of them, and they make it hard to focus on what's going on. If you read through, stopping only where you have commas/periods, you should be able to notice them relatively easily. Also, be careful for grammar things. Keep tenses the same (don't go from "I was running" to "I ran" and if you do use "-ing" make sure you have a form of be with it), watch for spelling mistakes, etc.
Next, show, show, SHOW! Its what my creative writing teacher always said, and its the most useful thing I've ever been told when writing. Description is 100x more effective if you show me what things look like instead of saying, "Well, he looks like this and has these color eyes."
I found a few other little things, but really I think the previous reviewers caught them first. I think this could be good, just watch for those grammar things! Good luck with it.
Hey Sarah, Sporks here as requested!:) I'll point out anything as I go along.
Okay, I'm not going to correct anymore grammar issues. You keep repeating the same mistakes, so it would get redundant for you to read.
So, for some overall points. Your MC is kind of flat, as are the other characters. They feel very 2-D and without personalities. The dialogue is really rough and forced. I find what helps me is to picture how people really speak, without the "likes" and "ums," and go from there. The plot seems pretty good, but the description can be expanded. I think you have a good start but there needs to be some editing done. Good luck! I'll get to chapter 2 tomorrow, but I'm kind going to sleep now.
Keep on trucking!
Sporks
Hey Sarah! So, I'm here to review as you've requested. (: Beware: I might twitter on about a point until it was worn out thirty years ago. And they don't really follow any order. Just in what comes to my mind when it does.
O.O Right, I saw this and just wanted to run far, far away. Such a huge block of text is scary. Daunting. It makes me feel like your story is going to take twice the effort to read it than it should. Your biggest paragraph should probably be about half this size - and that's your biggest one.
I'm going to leave the paragraph issue there as the rest of your formatting is fine. But you really need to sort this one out. Think of the first paragraph as a first impression. If the first paragraph looks like it's going to require deep concentration to read through, then I'm going to assume that that's how the rest of it will be like. Tidy it up a little. Nip and tuck a few things here and there. That way, you should be encouraging more people to think it looks like a good read.
¶ = New paragraph. So it should end up looking like:
See? It looks much better. (:
Quick Apostrophe Lesson!
Apostrophes are used for two occasions.
1) Omission - leaving letters out. E.G. Don't, it's, would've and other such contractions.
2) Possession - stating that something belongs to someone. E.G. John's bag. Sophie's cry. Principal's offices. (Take note of that last one.)
You seem to be fine with omission, but I noticed that with possession, you seem to missing a few. So, well done with omission! ^^ But make sure you keep an eye out when talking about objects belonging to people.
Pet peeve of mine. Look at the last line of your huge first paragraph. Notice you've used "like there life". The life belongs to the people you're talking about, so it should be "their" instead.
Their - possession. There - place. They're - omission (they are).
I just thought I'd point that out to be safe, in case there are any more instances.
You're and Your
I'm sorry, but I saw what you'd put above your avvie and just had to clear this up. This is a major pet peeve of mine.
Again, there are two rules for your and you're.
Your = Possession. E.G. Your bag is cute! I hate your laugh.
You're = Omission. E.G. You're so lovely! My friend thinks you're odd... With this one remember you are.
Whenever you want to put in you're or your and you are confused about which to put, simply say in your mind "you are" and see if that fits the sentences. If I get confused, I do that and it works wonders. Trust me. (:
Your MC! She's a bit self-absorbed, isn't she? Oh, this might turn into a rant, so I'm apologising right now. The self-pity is so off the charts I think I might go and throw up now. Urgh. There are no words to describe how much I instantly dislike your MC. Especially later on when she says: Does she care at all about her "best friend". I really just have the impression that she is too self-centred to notice how awful her best friend’s life has gotten. She is far too concerned about her life. So what if the "hot" guy doesn't look twice in her direction? The world moves on. She should either go up to him and stop being cowardly or realise how pathetic and annoying she's being with all her winging. Urgh. I just had to get that off my chest. That's how I feel about your MC right now, which isn't a good thing. I should be cheering her on, not wishing she'd go and die. So I beg that you please, please, please tone down the self-pity. It's really not doing her any favours in my eyes.
I'm going to have to wrap it up as everyone else seems to have it covered. So, I'm looking forward to finding out more about Ella. I like her. ^^ She seems sweet and not bogged down in self-pity. (: Also, what was Nick's problem with the other guy? And what trouble is he in now? Also ... what was in his journal..? You seem to have a skill with setting up mysteries. They definitely make me want to keep on reading so I can find out the answer to them.
I hope my review wasn't too harsh, but I think that if you improve on these points, then you'll see a huuuge difference in your writing. (:
Keep on writing! And feel free to write on my wall if you want me to help you with anything else. ^^
~EmmaJane~
>>reserved for review<<
Hi there! You requested that I review this, and so here I am.
Okay. First of all, nice storyline, interesting. But this was very difficult to read and very choppy, it could use a lot of work. You don't seem to have any sort of introduction at the beginning, just, "Boarding school is horrible, blah blah blah." It seems more like a chapter in the middle of a story after the characters are already introduced than a first chapter. You also don't give a very detailed introduction to your protagonist or other characters either, other than appearances in the first paragraph.
You also have run-on sentence after run-on sentence and it starts to get a little agitating:
The mistakes in this story make it really hard to read overall, though I think it has some potential. You just need to have a thorough edit of it and you could make it into something really great. A word of advice? Find someone to read your rough drafts for you before you post them, because often author's don't see mistakes in their work as clearly as others do. I know from personal experience.
Keep writing, and let me know when you've fixed this up!
~Mask
Awesome job! I feel the - emotions rushing through me. The only problem I found was how you kept writing very long sentences like this which is quite awkward to read. See what I mean? Try seperating it into little bits, rather than long sentences.
HI!! I liked the piece very much. A good beginning for, Hopefully, something even better. What caught my attention was the detailed description of things and people. The description was so illuminating that one could very easily get caught up in your words...Hope you will write more and better. Better I say because some places need improvement as many others before me have already mentioned... Keep it going!!:)
Hey! I have no idea how much of the stuff I am going to say was already covered by anyone else, but I am going to say it anyway.
After said, there should be a period. There should be a period after away. Thjs should be a period instead of a comma. There should be a period after was. In the rest of the story, you spelled her name Angelia. There should be a comma inbetween to, and though. There should be a period after house, and Apparently should start the next sentence. After home, there should be a comma. There should be a period after the word shrugged. Mite should be spelled might. And, there should be a period after laughing. Overall, I really liked the story, I just noticed these few typos! I can't wait to read more!-Titan
Hi!
You requested that I review this, and review I shall, even though I don't usually do romance.
I do have one thing about the characters, though: their emotions seem to move too quickly, with little or no transition - if you know what I mean. Probably not.
) - the emotions of both Hailey and Ella seem too cramped together, like you're skipping out the details of what they're like and what they're feeling whilst trying to capture the big picture. The problem is, the big picture doesn't work without the detail.
Okay, first off - I liked this; it sounds like it has the makings of a potentially good story. The pacing is good as well, although I think Hailey got too creeped out by Nick's behaviour a little too early. Sounds like she has a bit of a low anxiety threshold.
I liked the characters. They seemed kind of real, if you know what I mean. They weren't 2D. Obviously you aren't aiming for Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu -like main characters, which is also great.
The thing is, sometimes your characters seem to switch moods too quickly for the pace of the story, and your reader feels a bit lost. For example: you don't immediately get the feeling something's wrong with Nick. Maybe he's just having a bad day. Grumbling a bit. Next thing you know, he's beating someone up. Wow? I mean, really. I think you definitely need to add in some warning signs before things get serious. Let your readers know this isn't a school story. Maybe when he says, "Aren't you going to ask me what's wrong?", add that he said it maybe in an uncharacteristically brutal fashion, with a rather ugly look on his face, or something along those lines. And then maybe Hailey looks up in surprise, and answers, even though she wasn't going to, because Nick is so obviously in an unusually bad mood. Something like that.
And again, when he punches Ryan, Hailey seems too unsurprised, almost. You don't say anything about how it really shocks and jars her, you just say she'd never seen Nick like that before.
And yet again when you introduce this strange new girl - an interesting and mysterious character, almost Luna Lovegood-esque (and I like Luna, that should be a compliment
Many of the mistakes I highlighted in this passage are recurring throughout the story. Your dialogue especially needs tweaking, not because of the content, but rather because of punctuation. You tend to miss out punctuation at the end of a spoken sentence, either moving on to another spoken sentence or an action. You also tend to add on bits that describe the dialogue, which is good - but you add some of them incorrectly. For example:
'"Oh sorry, I ... I didn't know."
I stuttered.' Very confusing. Should be, '"Oh, sorry, I ... I didn't know," I stuttered.'
And always, if you're going to describe the dialogue, the describing sentence should NOT start with a capital letter and should be beside the dialogue; and the end of the dialogue should have either a comma, an exclamation mark or a question mark, not a full stop.
If you're still confused, please ask me on my wall or PM me; I won't bite.
Good ending passage, but there are still some nitpicks I want to go through.
1. In the first sentence: 'We went through the day she had every single class together, Art, history, religion and maths.' Now, there are a couple of things there. She can't have every single class together with herself, which is what you're making it sound like. Instead, you should say 'Ella and I'. And I reckon you should cut out 'went through the day' and add it on the end a bit varied, something like this: "Ella and I had every single class together that day: art, history, religion and maths." Just a suggestion, of course: this is a review, not a remake of your story!
2. 'She was surely here to replace Nick, which made me want to cry, the thought of Nick never coming back to me.' Good sort of sentence, but there are a few things here also. Saying that Ella was surely there to replace Nick makes it sound as though the school got rid of Nick so that they could fit Ella in - which, of course, is ridiculous. Maybe you should instead say that 'It seemed as though she was here to replace Nick', or something along those lines. And if you change that, you should rephrase the rest of the sentence into something like: 'It seemed as though she was here to replace Nick: the thought of him never coming back to me made me want to cry.' DON'T THINK I'M TRYING TO WRITE YOUR STORY FOR YOU. I'm not. Just making suggestions.
3. 'Though Ella was a really good friend she was just a tiny bit smaller than me with brown hair and green eyes, that you couldn’t stop looking at.' Not entirely sure what happened here. You were just talking about Nick; you say 'though Ella was a really good friend' and your reader expects the rest of the sentence to be something to do with how she just wasn't the same as Nick: but then you start describing Ella. And you make it seem as though she's a good friend in spite of the fact that she's a little smaller than Hailey - which seems slightly shallow. I know that's not what you're trying to get across, but the sentence structure just doesn't work. And people don't become 'really good friends' after one day. Maybe make it something like: 'Ella and I seemed to get along very well, but she just wasn't the same as Nick.' And then add on the bit about her appearance.
4. 'But she would always be the person that replaced Nick’s life with her own.' I like this ending sentence, but yet again I do want to go over it. (I'm so sorry!
Overall - I really liked this! It seemed to have good character development and an intriguing plot - I have to wonder how Nick is going to be brought back into the story. It's definitely got potential, my friend!
So, as I say, if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask - and never, ever stop writing!
- Ignis
Overall, I like what you did here with this story.
It was interesting and fun to read. I have a few suggestions and critiques though. For one, I noticed a lot of times when you're writing sentences, you seem to mix up a lot of past tense with present tense. You should choose one direction to write it and keep this consistent throughout your story. It will be less of a distraction.
Another thing I noticed, when you're writing you seem to forget periods. A lot of times - perhaps too many times - you had commas in place of where periods should be. And other times there were no periods at all. This made for a lot of unnecessary run-on sentences. Another distracting element. But I feel this can be fixed so easily.
I also noticed every now and then flaws with sentence structure. Perhaps I'll come back and do a complete review so that you'll be able to edit this with more ease. Because truly, your story had something special about it that I liked. It was just a good ole' fashion teenage love story. There was humor in it and a charming relationship setup between characters. I especially loved Nick. He sounds a lot like what I wish my best friend would be like.
I encourage you to keep going on with this story. I think it'll really be a hit once it's completely re-edited and sifted clean of all punctuational and grammatical errors. I'm off to chapter two now! I'll be sure to let you know what I think. Good job.
Hello. Bunny here reviewing as requested. :}
I want to prelude this with an apology. Honestly, I wasn't able to get much farther than the third paragraph. The reason had only a little to do with the actually story and everything with the grammar. After about the fifth run-on sentence, I grew very tired trying to weed through the comma splices in order to understand exactly what was going on. I think that beneath these mistakes, you have a good story to tell, and I would like very much to get into it, but as this piece stands, I just can't.
I'm sorry I wasn't able to provide a decent review as you would like, but do contact me again if you clean this up or if you have any questions.
Sorry again, but much loves nonetheless,
Bunny
That was really cool! I'm glad it wasn't like everyone else's, how everything was perfect and there were no problems with her life. Although I'm sure it was mentioned before, but there were some grammatical errors. I can see that it's harder to type and have everything be correct, but anyway, it was awesome!
I like it very sad, though. I feel like you should bring nick back. Even though I know you will. Sad but well written same for chapter 2, too
This is good!
I espeially liked the first part, where you are describing the boarding school. I could almost FEEL being there - in that decaying, old, yet beautiful building? Yep. I love places like that 
and the "my parents drink every day, every week" part was kinda touching. And the appearence of the boy at the beginning was good - he sounds real cute 
This is, overall, a really good start to this novel! You've wrote loads already. All I'd suggest practising is linking your sentences together a little better. Try using colons or hyphens or something. Just a suggestion. 
Xxx
You definately DO NOT lack description and descriptive words
Other than that, I don't really know what to say. You're a real good describer and I like this
This has the makings of quite a good story. One bit confused me though;
When nick pushed her away and told her to go away. Why?! Then later he comes to her dorm and gives her hug and tells her about the abuse but gets angry at her sympathy. I think you mixed in a bit too many emotions here.
Overall you did obviously put a whole load of time into this so I can't critics your effort. This piece kind of lacks description. It's a bit too matter a fact at times. Lay it on!! Let them know what's in Haileys heart. It's almost like we are reading HER book and she knows it's going to be published so she doesn't let anyone know how she is really feeling.
We also don't really feel much passion or chemistry between the two of them. Does nick care? Give us background to their realationsip. Show us what makes them the couple we want to read about.
This was written quite well but still needs a
good bit of liking over and editing. Im not sure where your plot is going so maybe write another chapter to get people interested. Dont give-up though.
Lots love and best wishes for your writing.
Happy Christmas,
Kaka
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