Sit outside on December 15th at 4:05, and you’ll feel it too.
Fresh, new, golden trunks, reaching
branches
shining burnt tips,
ripped bark shards stabbing into the frisk air don’t leave me uneasy anymore.
When they were broken, they were stagnant, waiting,
maybe we needed to wake up.
The shadowed red blushed inner core
facing the winter sun.
Nothing feels like December 15th 4:05.
No gusting winds
frightening gasping trees
They just stand there.
Over the fence, in their yard.
They’re taller than I’ll ever be, and soon those
sharded tips will reach longer than mine ever will,
but they stay.
One leans,
One follows,
One stands.
It’s perfect.
The trucks hum and shake by,
but they stay and watch.
4:16
the sky lies in a floating angel blue and innocent yellow.
So light, soft
violet wants to break her way through
but her attempts are shown through heavy set levels lying low
to far right and left.
The trees lose the bright 4:05 shine but they stay.
Small imprints of that thin
prominent yellow level in front
are left on the largest middles of their trunks.
They will always be connected.
Soon at 6:05 their skins will be painted a heavy purple and thin leveled black showing me they know.
They’ll be here while I sleep,
and when I wake up in the morning,
frosted with an early lit yellow, and
I will be fine with it.
Frosted golden tips always reaching.
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140,764 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hello once more. I am here to do my end of the deal and review your work.
To start on a positive note, I would like to say that your poem was a work of beauty. The use of imagery and personification was astonishing and I believe that you have great potential in being a poet/ writer. Each line described the end of a winter day in ways I would have never thought off. You truly have a poetic mind.
Now let us move on to the corrections. This is my opinion and you do not have to listen to this part, but you should not use words like I've and you'll. Instead just write I am and you will. Next I felt some of your sentences being fragments affected the flow of the poem. For example, The second sentence " Fresh, new, golden trunks reaching branches shining burnt tips, ripped bark shards stabbing into the frisk air don't leave me uneasy anymore" sounded a bit odd to me. What I would do is add the use of the words the and and. It would sound a little less choppy and give the piece better flow.
Overall I feel that this piece a true masterpiece in personification and imagery that just need some tweaks. I hope you will be able to succeed in writing and I wish the best of luck to you in the future.
I'd like to begin the review by saying that this is a lovely poem. Your use of imagery is, for the most part, a seamless blend of surreal and familiar, which fits perfectly with the subject matter of the poem. Unfortunately, in several places, the surreal aspect overwhelms the reasoning behind it and leaves the poem incomprehensible.
How exactly does "shadowed red" "blush inner core." Is the middling word meant to be "in her," or something else?
"the sky lies in a floating angel blue and innocent yellow." You have a lot of adjectives here, but, especially in the final phrase, but the absence of a noun -any noun- is pretty glaring.
The only other flaws I can spot are minor vocabulary hiccups - "sharded" in place of "shattered and "to" in place of "too," respectively.
As I said previously, this is a lovely poem, and I believe that if you put some more work in, it could really shine.