Published October 11, 2009
I hadn't known her well but I still cry before I got to sleep. She had been my best memory at the hospital. When I was in pain she would help me through it. When I wanted to cry, she would be that shoulder. When I wanted to laugh she would be that joke. But now she was gone forever. I could't ever attend to her fueral. I was really bad with sad situations. I would cry during a sad movie or cry at the SPCA comercial. I smiled shyly at the memory of her sitting beside me. A small fire in my dark room. Hope was now gone for her survial.
I took a deep breath and looked down at the needle sticking into my arm. I could hear the beeping of the heart monitor machine as it beat faster. A tear fell down my cheek and lande in my open hands. What was I feeling? Grief? Yes. Anger? Yes. Why had she died? I should have died. I should have left to go to the hands of God. She diserved this world no matter how cruel it was. I remember when she use to make me laugh but then her Cancer would take over and she would start bleeding.
I shied away from the memory and watched the door. I was all cured now. I could go home. But Maddie was dead.
Death.
Not a good silence around a hospital. She use to be in the room next to me. So every time her Cancer would bother her I could hear her scream or hear her suffer. I would cover my ears and cry and pray. Now all that praying had gone to waste. She was gone. Forever. When I had first come to the hospital after the accident I had been almost dead. But I had found a freind. She had told me that her pain would cancel out my pain and then I would be better.
She would try to keep me from screaming when they pulled out the glass from my skin or when they put my bones back in place.
I had found my light at the end of the tunnel but now she was dead. The doctor had said she was better. They had lied! That's what they like doing when you have no hope. Lie. I heard the door open and my mother walked in. "Hi hon. How are you?" she asked.
I didn't want to look up at her. I heard her close the door. "It's time to go home Sara" my mother said softly.
I lifted my head to look at her. "No" I said.
"Honey we can't do anything to help her now. She's gone" my mother tried to remind me.
I know! I wanted to shout at her but I kept myself still. Maddie had almost lived through her Cancer but like before, it had eaten her away, as well as a few hundred other people. My mother stood beside me and put a hand on my face. I pulled away to sit on the end of the hospital bed. "Honey you did something to save her. You tried and you succeded. She is now in no pain at all." my mother said trying to calm me down.
She was right, I had given Maddie my kidney to save her life. And I had saved her...for a few months. The nurse came in and started taking out the needles in my arms. I put my hands on my face and felt another tear fall down my cheek. This nightmare would never end. The nurse finished her work and smiled at me. "You're all cured." she said.
Anger bubbled though my stomach and flew out my mouth. "WHAT ABOUT MADDIE!? SHE DISERVED TO LIVE AS MUCH AS ANYONE IN THIS HOSPITAL!" I shouted.
Tears flew out of my eyes and fell donw my face. I didn't bother to wipe them away. "SHE HAD DREAMS! SHE HAD A FUTURE!" I kept shouting.
My voice cracked from my sobs. The nurse waited till I had finished. "We did everything we could Sara." The nurse said.
Suddely the nurse's eyes looked like Maddie's. I stopped and my anger flushed out of me. "We're sorry about your loss Sara." The nurse said.
I fell to my knees with a sudden clunk. "I miss her." I sobbed into the ground.
My mother put her arm around me. "I know." she said.
She didn't. But beacause I loved her I lt her try her best to comfort me.
With my eyes closed my mother arms felt like Maddie's little ones around me. She had been only eight when Cancer ate her up. I was now sixteen. And I had survived a fall from a eight story building.
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140,643 Literary Works • 673,577 Reviews
That was very emotional. I liked it a lot. You should keep writing, but I couldn’t help but smile at the twenty-story building part. It was…unexpected for me, and I found it sort of funny finding he or she had survived a fall from a twenty-story building. I would like to see more of this.
First, here are a couple of consistent errors I saw:
I would title your story instead of putting a caption: It makes people much more likely to read your story.
1. Your title is incorrectly spelled. The word you're looking for is "write".
2. The word 'cancer' is not capitalized.
3.The word "you're" is a contraction of "you are". "Your" is possessive. (Eg. Is this yours? You're a good writer.)
4.
"God" is capitalized.
5. The contraction of "We are" is "we're," not "Where"
6. Punctuation with dialogue could use a little work. I would check out one of the many helpful articles in the "writing tips" section.
7. The human body would *most likely* never survive a drop of much more than three stories.
8. I'm pretty sure you can't survive very well with one lung.
9. Avoid the use of caps wherever possible. It's hard to take them seriously.
10. Show and don't tell. Show us that she's sad. Don't just say "I am sad."
11. I think this would be way stronger if you showed it happening as it happened, instead of afterward. Make sense? You could open with explaining however she was injured, and being wheeled into the hospital. Then you could show the actual conversation between her and Mattie. It would be longer, but much more powerful.
Ok, I think that's about it. My biggest piece of advice is to do a very thorough edit. Try reading the whole thing out loud. I know that sounds weird, but it makes it way easier to pick out little spelling errors.
You have a very touching piece here, that with a little work could be very very very good.
Let me know if you have any questions! Also, if you post something else I'd be happy to review it. Just send me a PM.
See you around!
Lupis
I never saw the spelling check. Hey your the best! Now that is what I call criticism! I am totally gonna take that with me to my next stories. And I know, it was my first and i rushed it without reading it over so it made little sense. And yea, twenty story building is very impossible.
Thanks again.
Firstly if this introduction, I like it. I like how you amaze the reader on a present moment of her being in a state of dilemma and in the end reveal the cause of her dilemma. Its nice actually but I would comment on how you put in detail for example: when you mention that the character is cured, how cured is she? We do not have a clue on her state being cured. Can she moved her hand freely, can she walk, does she still feel immense pain??
AS well, when you mentioned the emotions, it was okay but it would be better if you showed these emotions. Like for anger you could show it as a metaphor that instead of writing the word anger you could say, “I felt ripping the head of all the people in the world” or for grief you could say, “I felt that my own life has been taken away from me.” That would convey a sense of imagery to the reader when reading this because when you mention anger, it is there. There are no more to say or to describe.
Hey Pudin here to do a review!
First of all, really emotional story, i liked it a lot, it's really sweet and well, realistic. But...I consider that you could have explored it further, way further. This had the potential of being a story that could make anyone break down into tears.
Second, you'll have to excuse me if I sound rude, but the spelling mistakes made it impossible to read. And...typing is not an excuse. You see the blue link over there that says check spelling? Well, it was put there for a reason.
Third, even when you want to emphasize something, do not use capitals. Capitals have their use and its definitely not that one. If you don't believe me go check a grammar book.
Fourth, twenty story building? Come on! Was she superman? This last thing makes the story really unbelievable. Try something like the reviewer above said.
Fifth. Cancer shouldn't be capitalized.
Sixth: Characterization, characterization. Give us a hint of what she looked like at least.
Seventh. Grammar, again, comma, period, semicolons; I would point them out if I had time.
Eighth: your character development was ok, respectable. You showed us her attitude by thought as well as actions and also pointed out the slight change she had in the hospital
Ninth: overall, the storyline is really good and I liked it. For a first time it was really good. I would recommend you to check the spelling before posting anything, ok?
last but not least, what's with the right in the title?! It should be write of puting thoughts down to paper.
PM with questions
Pudin
thanks and can I ask how you can put a picture as you're avatar?
verytime=everytime
ahve=have. And the exclamation point isn't necessary (!)
unfinished thought. And does cancer need to be capitalized?
I kind of get the artistic impact, like when someone is obsessed with Beauty or battling Revenge, but in this case you need to add something to cancer. I don't feel as though it's a monster; I feel like it's a generic I-have-Cancer-so-I-am-courageous-and-depressed label.
So, in my opinion, you should either a) lowercase cancer or b) have a paragraph filled purely with Maddie struggling with cancer, the effect it had on her etcetera.
That was a fabulous ending; I really liked it.
Overall, a very enjoyable piece. Watch out for those typos, they can be a doozy.
Great job and keep up the good work.
hey thanks and i type really fast so i make allot of mistaks and as I said before. Not really good at the sad stuff. But thaks for the help I'll make sure to make way more sense next time. If i make another story or something say something about it to. I like hearing what people have to say.
Thanks again
Wow that was strong! I am in love with this story! I have had a somewhat similar experience... But anyways, here are my critiques.
There are a few spelling errors (i make them all the time, even more so when i type)
I remember when she use to make me laugh but then her Cancer would take over and she would start bleeing.
This seems a bit confusing. I understand, now that i finished reading it, that she was probably coughing up blood or something. Though i didn't understand it at the time
She was right, I had given Maddie my left lung to save her life
Two things:
1. This should be two sentences. Get rid of the comma.
2. You may want to re think this. I know Maddie had cancer, but i am not sure someone would donate thier lung, if they are still living. You cannot survive with only one lung.
And I had survived a fall from a twenty story building.
I don't think this is logical, either. There is no way any one could survive a 20 story drop. You may want to chose something like a car crash or a gunshot or something.
I love how you capitalize the c in cancer. It seems as though you talk about it as if it is some person or some monster. Overall, very powerful story. Keep it up!