Young Writers Society

You wanted an honest opinion and hear it is:
I didn't like this piece too much. The characters lacked substance. You did too much telling rather than showing and there were hardly any allusions. It's okay to give hints instead of explaining everything all the time. Also, something seemed vaguely strange about Chaleen appearing at the door just like that. I mean, you didn't mention how old she is or how she was able to come all the way from Africa. I assume you were trying to make us feel sorrow for what happened at the end, but instead I was thinking 'yeah right, this is just another silly drama'. You never explained who the killer was and why he was after them. It just seemed like everything happened to be happening without reason or basis. The only aspect of this story I enjoyed was how you used color. But, anyway don't give up! Maybe I'm wrong.

KEEP THE MUSE ALIVE AND WRITE ON!

Hey there!

This is great--every time I read one of your works, they seem to be better and better.

Here are a few suggestions:

1. just a quick tip: instead of going through by hand to look for spelling mistakes, just click "edit" (on yws) and then "check spelling" in the upper right hand corner. That should save you some time.

2. Watch your dialogue; a lot of times it just sort of trails off without any punctuation. Also, every time a new person speaks, it should be on a new line.

3. In general, give this a good thorough looking over. Because this is such an emotional piece, little typos and errors really jump out and make the reader lose the emotion. Make sense?

4. Mechanics aside, I'd like to point these bits out:

I had got the news three days after it had happened. I remember reading the letter and suddenly my world went black. I was in such shock that at first I stood dead still in my room. Holding my breath as the letter slowly fell from my hand and drifted in the air till it hit the ground. Then a few seconds later I had dropped on my bed and tears threatened to fall down my face. A scream had escaped my lips and I was surprised at how agonizing it had sounded.
Why did Kristen have to die after all she had said to me? Back then the world had turned into dust. Nothing mattered anymore but my best friends death. But red is also the colour of love and magic. The meaning of a new beginning and a lovely future. It had been because of Kristen's death that I had met Kealan.
The love of my life.
I had been sixteen when we had met at her funeral. He said that Kristen was watching down on us and had brought us together as destiny. Every night I would looke up at her and say "Thanks Kris for giving me the hotest, sweetest and best boyfrined ever".
I could feel her smile kiss my face and I could feel her absent energy as if she was still alive. Me and Kealan had been together for four years after we had first met. Picking up the news paper this morning had brought me back these memories. I was stil holding the paper staring at the headline as it jumped out at me.

The article was about a young tweleve year old who had gone to India to help a family from thier bound chains on having to pay a man so

Thanks Kris for giving me the hotest, sweetest and best boyfrined ever".

Her eyes didn't match her complection since they where a beautiful shade of green.

working for them and how we where

Before she was shot, Kristen donated her eyes to me as a gift. You see, I have been blind since birth and Kristen promised me that when I came to find her best friend I would see her and the world Kristen called paradise. She bought us tickets to America to live a better life with her and you.
But her dream was crushed by a singel bullet

when you where five. You're right eye was blind. Kristen called you blank eye because of you're eye and that you saw things that no one else did. Before I came here my family was shot and I ran away to find you as Kristen told me to."

She wanted to give you her heart as a gift when you both died together at an old age"

I sat up in bed as I awoke form my dream. That dream haunted me every night since a man with dark skin and dark cloths had come into my house and killed Kealand and Chaleen when I was at work one morning. The sobs escaped my lips and my door flew open. A large man towered over me holding a gun. "Finally" He croaked and shot the gun.
My world went black. But before the darkness swallowed me up I saw Kristen's face. Then Kealan's. Now i'm with them where we belong. In god's hands.

hey thanks guys. It's just those silly spelling mistakes and when I get really exited while writing I tend to rush things but If i fix those I think I can be one of the best
Thank you for you're help I'm loving the support!

Wow, That was good. I'm new here so I don't think I should be making corrections to your work when I can't even correct mine. You seem to be able to grab my attention from the start which is great. Can't wait for more

This really stunned me! Seriously, near the end I said "Oh my God" out loud.
But that's a good thing. The story was awesome.

I've seen some spelling mistakes though, and some other things.

Red. The colour of pain and loss and blood and death. That's what it resembled me a few years ago when Kristen, my best friend, got shot in Africa. She had always dreamed about going there to build a life for the ones in need and the ones who needed to hear her tell stories of young and happy days. I had got the news three days after it had happened. I remember reading the letter and suddenly my world went black. I was in such shock that at first I stood dead still in my room. Holding my breath as the letter slowly fell from my hand and drifted in the air till it hit the ground. Then a few seconds later I had dropped on my bed and tears threatened to fall down my face. A scream had escaped my lips and I was surprised at how agonizing it had sounded.

Why did Kristen have to die after all she had said to me? Back then the world had turned into dust. Nothing mattered anymore but my best friends death. But red is also the colour of love and magic. The meaning of a new beginning and a lovely future. It had been because of Kristen's death that I had met Kealan.

The love of my life.

I had been sixteen when we had met at her funeral. He said that Kristen was watching down on us and had brought us together as destiny. Every night I would looke up at her and say "Thanks Kris for giving me the hotest, sweetest and best boyfrined ever".

I could feel her smile kiss my face and I could feel her absent energy as if she was still alive. Me and Kealan had been together for four years after we had first met. Picking up the news paper this morning had brought me back these memories. I was stil holding the paper staring at the headline as it jumped out at me.

Girl shot in India for helping heal a family from pain.


The article was about a young tweleve year old who had gone to India to help a family from thier bound chains on having to pay a man so they could stay alive. "What is it Jess?" Kealan's strong arms wrapped around my chest.

I looked up at him. "Have you read this?" I asked.

He looked at the article for a second and took the news paper from my hand. He turned my chair around and pressed his lips to mine. Like everytime we kissed I was hipnotized. My fingers tangled in his hair as I pressed our bodies together. He pulled away and raised a brow. "Are you in the mood for making love?" He asked putting his hand up my shirt.

I slapped his hand away and shook my head. "Last night we had our fun. Not today" I said firmly.

He laughed. "You'll probably change you're mind when I take you upstairs".

I shook my head and pulled away. He groaned and there was a knock at the door. I fixed my now un buttoned shirt and went to the door. I opened it to find a young girl standing on my steps. She had dark skin and black hair. Her eyes didn't match her complection since they where a beautiful shade of green. "Hello. My name is Chaleen. I am form Africa." she announced.

"Hello there" I greeted her.

She was wearing a very pretty dress that hung above her knees. Her hair was shiny and bounced when she smiled up at me. "Are you Jessica Sunsky?" The girl asked.

I looked behind me at Kealan who was watching me with cirous eyes. I turned back to the little girl and nodded. She smiled again. "May I come in?" She asked.

I nodded again and let her pass by me. Why did her eyes look so familiar? She gave Kealan a hand shake and sat on our couch. "Are you here for a donation to a group or something?" Kealan asked.

The girl shook her head. She waited till me and Kealan sat opposite of her on our love seat. "Four years ago a woman named Kristen Chalhold came to my coutrey to save my family form poverty. The government didn't like how we had stopped working for them and how we where now free to live with her. Before she was shot, Kristen donated her eyes to me as a gift. You see, I have been blind since birth and Kristen promised me that when I came to find her best friend I would see her and the world Kristen called paradise. She bought us tickets to America to live a better life with her and you.

But her dream was crushed by a singel bullet. She told me how her best frined had one blue eye and one brown one. You got a sickness when you where five. You're right eye was blind. Kristen called you blank eye because of you're eye and that you saw things that no one else did. Before I came here my family was shot and I ran away to find you as Kristen told me to." Chaleen finished.

Tears where falling down my face and Kealan was staring at Chaleen with large eyes. Those where Kristen's eyes. The ones looking at me now. And now this child had come to live in a home with me and the love of my life. A new colour suddenly formed in my mind.

White.

The colour of confusion and a new finding. The colour that my eye had been it got infected and to save my site the doctors had to change my eye colour. Removing the whole thing. I stretched my arm out as a sob broke form my lips. Chaleen ran into my arms like a little girl and I hugged her close to my chest. "What did Krisen say about me?" I asked.

"She said you where as beutiful as the sunset and you where the strongest girl she had ever know. She wanted to give you her heart as a gift when you both died together at an old age" Chaleen whispered in my ear.

I sobbed into her dark hair and she stroked my face. "I love you" Kealan whispered in my other ear as he stroked my hair.

I sat up in bed as I awoke form my dream. That dream haunted me every night since a man with dark skin and dark cloths had come into my house and killed Kealand and Chaleen when I was at work one morning.

The sobs escaped my lips and my door flew open. A large man towered over me holding a gun. "Finally" He croaked and shot the gun.

My world went black. But before the darkness swallowed me up I saw Kristen's face. Then Kealan's. Now i'm with them where we belong. In god's hands.