My apologies for any repitition!
sara wrote:Love comes in many colours, giving a sky to all its emotions. From happy moments to tearful thoughts, love conquers all. Its one emotion that shines in all ages.
And for sudha From what I understand, Sudha is a name and should be capitalized it did change everything. There was this girl sounds like a pretty broad statement. While you may be going for broad at thie time in the story, it could be worked better than this. who hated everything around just after a break up...who thought her life is a hell now...when everything seemed to be untrustworthy. Could be worked better. (see bottom #1) Vowing never to let herself get attached to anybody, she decided to move on with her work. A spinster living alone in a metro can sometimes be tough!Where does this sentence put anything into the story? Perhaps describing how her life is tough would help? Or what her life consists of? So long as it helps move the story forward. This sentence alone does not.
And as days passed and all her girlfriends giving her the usual advices of coming back to her normal life....she realized her life was going so dull! Her life seemed nothing more than a tiring day of work and a coffee treat at the cafe with her friends. see #2
And as god'God' must be capitalized unless you are talking about it in a more general sense, such as 'Greek gods' plays his tricks in everyone's life...there was a new guest in sudha's life....VARUN. All caps is usually only used for emphasis, and that much emphasis isn't necesary here.
Varun was one of those guys who could make anyone smile. Any girl would go weak in her knees with his captivating smile. see #3
Working at the same place and Varun was too inquisitive about where sudha had left her smile...even the workplace which was the only relief in her life as of now was becoming dreadful...how she wished that she wouldn't have to see Varun's face atleast one day of work.....see #4[/red]
Varun couldn’t actually keep his eyes off her beautiful eyes for sure...
and sooner or later the friendship had to grow in! And then were the usual rounds of coffee after work. To dinners...life was back to track for [color=indigo]sudha...
Finally she had found a friend who could always manage to bring her smiles in the craziest situations...n Why is there a random 'n' here? Varun always managed to have instant solutions for almost everything.
Both were totally addicted to each other...the day seemed so incomplete without sudha getting annoyed and Varun always managing to make up within five minutes. see #5
Life isn’t always a bed of roses!!!! That's a lot of exclaimation points. Also, this is a very cliched line, that hardly seems necessary.
The time to bid adieusWords in other languages are italic, if I remember correctly. had to come….Varun had now finished his training with the company and was now flying to Delhi….back to his home…
The thought of losing that one person who meant so much to her. It had been just a year and still she just couldn’t stay apart from him…..
And though they decided of meeting up as and when it would be possible and calling up everyday…..the distances brought in the differences….. choppy and confusing
And now its been two years that Varun has left Mumbai and all that remains with Sudha is the wait…..
But now Sudha is a different person. She has now understood how people change…or maybe its the circumstances…..Though she tries to bury those expectations but still somewhere deep in her heart she wished the phone to ring and Varun on the other end!!!!!
This is starting at the top and working from there.
First, I suggest (as I believe someone else above me did), that you put spaces between your paragraphs. It makes the story easier to read, and kinder to the eyes.
#1 - She had a rough break up and she hates the world. This is all I can gather from these lines. You should try to make this deeper. Why was this break up so difficult? Why did it cause her to hate the world? And to what extent does she hate the world? (extent meaning, does she cut? have suicidal thoughts? or just the general depression?)
#2 - This paragraph has no real meaning. It's almost as if it's there for no other reason than to give the reader more to read. It needs more meaning in it. You don't just realize your life is going dull. You realize "oh my goodness, my life is horrible! What can I do to fix it?" and then you turn around and get to work.
#3 - What does he look like?!?! Okay, so you're making it clear that he's amazing. How is he amazing? What does he look like? Is he tall, dark, and handsome? Is he blond and nerdy? Your readers want to know!!
#4 - So, you lost me. Sudha doesn't like Varon? Perhaps you should go more indepth on this one. Why doesn't she like him? Or does she like him, and is just unwilling to admit it? Also, Sudha needs capitalized in this paragraph, and in the following paragraph.
#5 - I think an example or two could help a lot here. It would lengthen the piece, while at the same time giving more insight into Sudha and Varon's relationship.
A few other notes:
- You have the tendency to over use exclamation points and ellipses. "..." these are good to hold together multiple thoughts, or for when someone is speaking/thinking and their words/thoughts are trailing off. And one exclamation point says about the same thing as three.
- You're story has potential, but is far too broad as of now. It needs more specific details, and a more defined ending. It suddenly switches tenses, which can be okay, but the reader needs to be able to tell what happened.
Great start!
If you need any help, or have any questions, feel free to PM me!
MERRY WRITING
~Bella Bambina~
Points: 1825
Reviews: 142
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