It started with my hair, and progressed to a kiss
It started with me loving her and ended up like this
The way her beautiful body gleamed,
In the pure white light.
The way she made me moan and scream
In the middle of the night
Her skin was soft and lovely, as I kissed her everywhere
Her eyes were focused and on me, as I ran my fingers through her hair
Everything was a big blur of tongue and passion and flesh
The way she moaned so softly when I kissed her breast
In the sweet, sweet morning, I woke up in her arms
Wrapped a thousand times, in her love, her looks, and charms
Sadly when we parted, she left, still my best friend
I didn't know it'd be the last time, I never ever saw her again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Alright, I'll have to agree with highwhitesocks here about how you given this poem a new flavour and twist. It's actually very refreshing to read something different instead of the old boy loves girl. Not that there's anything wrong with those poems, it just loses the impact after a while. So, I'll have to say kudos to you for writing a poem that is totally out of the norm and make it sound good.
Okay, so, I have some suggestions:
1. I think that you could explain why 'she' (sorry, I have no idea whether she is Therese or Isabelle) left. Because I'm sure there's a lot more to the story than 'she left'. Why did she leave? Was there a reason behind it? I think that it'd be nice if you let us know. Don't have to be long. Just a line or two.
2. Also, you have Theres and Isabelle for the title, yet I don't know which is which. I think that letting us know who is who would be nice.
Okay, so there are my suggestions. Don't have to follow them, they're just suggestions. Overall, good job on writing the poem, it was a different poem. But a good kind of different. Keep it up!
Whoa. This is weird, yet encapturing and something that kept me reading. It has a feel at the beginning that things will not go smoothly, which gets the reader to think. I really liked it. One thing - it has a slight arkward feel that may bother readers - but it doesn't bother me. This wasn't aimed at you, Butterfingers, just a general comment. Overall, great work! I enjoyed it alot.
Keep Writing!
funkypanda X
#FF0000 ">If the reader can get past a certain awkwardness (I'm still trying!) of the content, there really is a beautiful rhyme scheme, and word choice. I really liked how you chose to separate the lines, and I added some punctuation here and there. Keep writing!
Now that's more like it! See, we can all be buddies and get along peacefully
SOCKS to the rescue, haha.
Don't apologize. I was a jerk. I should have listened to my inner reviewer instead of my demon angel. Give me a few mins and I'll give you a professional review!
Also, HIGHWHITESOCKS, the poem was referring to a storyline from a really old book.... it ended sadly. Originally the poem was simply about two girls being in love, but as I looked for a way to end it, I took reference to that movie.
Butterfinger, I'm sorry. That was really immature. I just was a bit shocked because I worked really hard and I got a rude response. If you had given me pointers on how to make it less "awkward" I wouldn't feel like you were immature, but again, that was immature of me. I apologize.
HIGHWHITESOCKS! I really enjoyed your post. (hoping you're really not just a creepy guy, I'll take your word) I think I just let my personal beliefs get in the way of reading this for the great lit. as you say it is. Thanks for that!
Now this is something new! How refreshing to see a love poem that's about two girls, and not a boy and a girl. I mean, I love a classic love poem, but this is really a new flavor, and I like it. Now before we go thinking things about me, I'm not a creepy guy who's just reading this for...you know. It's very good literature, and I think it's very interesting; a good take on an old idea. Details now...
I like this passage here, because it's incredibly vivid, and the imagery is easy to imagine and perceive. I feel like I'm actually feeling the emotion. Infatuation and allure, with a little bit of erotica. A good blend for a powerful feeling.
The rhyme scheme really comes across well in this passage, and it continues to use the creative language that works so well. I would recommend though changing 'big blur' to something else, or just saying 'blur.' The word 'big' takes away from the eloquence a little.
I really like the second line of this one. I can clearly see the love between them here in my mind; very masterful use of words and language. The ending is sad (why'd they go apart?!), and I wished it would have been happier, but I think that works to contrast to the other emotions in the poem.
All and all, I think this is a very good poem. Emotional, vivid, powerful, passionate, everything a good love poem should be (and just to repeat, I'm NOT one of those creepy guys who thinks "girl-on-action is hot,' or any of that garbage. I'm just happy to see love). Keep on writing well, and I'm always available if you ever want another review or advice or something. Just drop me a line!
- SOCKS
P.S. No need for us to be hostile towards each other in reviewing. We're all writers here, and I'm sure we all want to coexist peacefully. I'm well aware everyone has their own opinions, but to Butterfinger, I infinitely respect your opinions and your right to have them. But it's general reviewers' etiquette to try and say something nice about what you're reviewing, even if you don't like it that much. And to Sapphire, it's general writers' etiquette to not take jabs at the people reviewing your stuff. I'm not trying to be mom here, or tell anyone how to think or speak, I'm just in the interest of everyone having a fun time online. So can we all agree to coexist peacefully?
Wait a minute, you're calling me immature? Wow, that right there is immature. You don't even know me. I was just giving my opinion and you start calling names. You're not going to like all the responses you get. Grow up and accept it. Have a nice day!
well, it wasnt made for immature people
I found this a little disturbing. Actually, a lot. I don't even know why I read it, or am commenting now, but it's just awkward. That's all I have to say. Awkward.