Young Writers Society

Thanks very much everyone!!! AdoxagraphyAngelus, thanks for the suggestions, I've edited it accordingly!

This was really good. I have just a few suggestions to make the poem flow together better.

I am afraid, as old wounds reopen
I am distracted, as your beauty echoes in my head
I am humbled, as I realize you would never want me
I am distraught, as I see my hopes lay dead #FF0000 ">Though I really like this stanza, its longer than the others, and it catches my attention first thing. Though that's not necessarily a bad thing.

I look in the mirror and hate and rage is all I see #FF0000 ">Comma
I see a girl you could never love #FF0000 ">Comma
I see a girl, she's me.

As I look at you, your lack of flaws,
the determination in your eyes
And I see the way you look at her #FF0000 ">Period

Your heart in your demise.
But, my dreams, I still have
My dreams give me peace #FF0000 ">Period

For in my dreams, I am with you #FF0000 ">Comma
My dreams#FF0000 ">, are my release.

Umm... AMAZING!!!! I cant really "critique" this so I am just going to tell you why this is soo amazing!! The emotion is bold, it grabs the reader, makes them really feel your emotions. Then the ending was a breathe of relief yet grief which was really good. And the flow, is perfect the words go together like they are not supposed to be any other way. The beginning four lines were a really great idea, I love how you tell your emotion then tell the reason. But, I am glad you limited it to the first four lines or else it would have been too patterned. I really enjoyed the emotion, feeling, words, and the poem itself overall. I feel you did a awesome job capturing the feeling in this short poem. BRAVO!!! Can't wait to read so much more. ----DaRiEN

I really like this poem! It is deep and touching and relatable. Also, I love your title as that's what caused me to read the poem in the first place. I think all the technical errors have been pointed out before me, so I'm just going to say that overall it was fantastic! Great job! (:

Hi! I really liked this poem! It flowed really nicely and the idea was something pretty much everyone thinks about all the time or at least once. This piece told me about a lot of different emotions and feelings that came up being in this situation and that's what I liked the best about it! The one thing you need to work on is the rhyming, on some parts of the poem they were really good like: " I look in the mirror and hate and rage is all I see
I see a girl you could never love
I see a girl, she's me."

While we look at another part that doesn't have very good rhyming: "I am humbled, as I realize you would never want me
I am distraught, as I see my hopes lay dead"
With this part I just feel the rest of the poem has great rhyming while the first stanza doesn't.

Overall I thought this was a really good piece! I enjoyed everything and I hope I didn't sound harsh, it's your poem so you could keep it as is and it would still be a great poem. Or you could revise it and it would be even better! Thanks for posting! I'm following you now!
Peace,
Snickerdooly

I love this poem. Its beautiful and you will never know how much I can relate to this poem. The poem is perfect. Do me a favour and check out my poem. I plan to put up more poetry later. please?

Hey!

I really like this.

It's unique in that your style hasn't been repeated. I notice a lot of poets using the same style over and over again. A common trait in teenagers now adays is that they love to write about dark, treacherous themes and it can get old. You've managed to make the "heart break", "dark, disturbed" theme personal because you added your style. I really admire that.

Keep up the good work!

~H. C. Smith

This was really good! I don't have any real nitpicks other than suggestting that you might want to look at how you end each line.

sapphirewednesday wrote:I am afraid, as old wounds reopen #008000 ">I'm not sure whether the end of theis line calls for another comma or not. You probably want to check this out.
I am distracted, as your beauty echoes in my head
I am humbled, as I realize you would never want me
I am distraught, as I see my hopes lay dead #008000 ">I think there should be a full stop here.

sapphirewednesday wrote:I look in the mirror and hate and rage is all I see#008000 ">comma
I see a girl you could never love#008000 ">comma
I see a girl, she's me.

sapphirewednesday wrote:As I look at you, your lack of flaws,
the determination in your eyes#008000 ">comma
And I see the way you look at her#008000 ">full stop.

sapphirewednesday wrote:Your heart in your demise.
But, my dreams, I still have#008000 ">comma
My dreams give me peace#008000 ">full stop.

sapphirewednesday wrote:For in my dreams, I am with you#008000 ">comma
My dreams, are my release.