through gandhi's eyes

santiago
Hi I am Ishan212 and I'm here to review your work.
I want to tell you, being an Indian, when I read the title of your story, I felt really proud. I thought at last people are writing about India here, as I had faced loads of problems when my readers were unable to understand who Rama was or what does chanting mantras mean.
I've been writing for the site for the past two years and I've made sure that what I write is atleast readable.
But when I went through your work I felt very very dissapointed.
No capitalization, no fullstops, no language quality and please tell me how you use a word called 'childrens'???
I mean how can anyone who likes to write can make such a mistake.
I'm sorry to say this story had nothing in it.
Inspite of having a very good title, you wrote nothing. Absolutely nothing.
It was looking like a small four year child had written whatever he had understood about Mahatma Gandhi.
However this story was, I'll advise you to work on your writing skills.
I hope I'll see a nice story from you next time.
Thank You

King here

Welcome to YWS!

Hello there! I saw this in the green room so I decided to give it some love. I hope I help you with whatever I can, even if the slightest. Please tell me if you have questions, tell me and I will do my best to help you with it.

One of the problems I first saw is the way you have written the work of yours. The reader needs to slide left to right and back to read the whole sentence that you have already written. I find it negative because being able to read everything and see it so everything goes with flow is an important thing in the work, at least in my own mind. I do not know if anyone else would like to take this extra step to read the whole line but who knows. This is how I personally see it. For a first work, I do not know your style and nothing at all so I will try to be positive and do not be too harsh on too. The first work will not be your best one and if you have more, they will get better and better, so for first work, it is totally okay.

I will mention in bold the parts I do have problems with down below.





Once upon a time I was relaxing on my couch, watching television and LO!! suddenly came a letter came flying and crashed on my table.



I approached that letter carefully, unfolding it, read. It was sent to people of this world and was written by Gandhi himself.

Rather giving that letter to police, my curiosity got better of me and I started reading it. It said :



Dear childrens,

this is an apology letter I send.



I humbly apologise for the mistakes I made which corrupted the future. But before you start cursing me, give me a chance to justify myself.

For a moment close your eyes and look through my eyes; walking towards the balcony, I can heard the indistinct roar and rumblings. As I enter I see thousands of people greeting me, some are injured from the brutal lathi charge from the police and some are unscathed.



There are people from different races but what unites them is the aim to see India free. Thereir eyes shine with such determination that it temporarily blinded me.



What was more intriguing was that they see me as some kind of deity. They worshipped me, followed me. If i would have said to jump from a cliff, they would have jumped.



Such trust made my shoulders heavy. I felt that it was my obligation to free India from this misery and that too happen in a short period of time.



In all that rush I made some mistakes that I cannot undo, if I had known that it would affect the future, I would have tread more carefully.



Mistakes that I made are solely result of my doing and I anm sorry for it. ( You already say that the mistakes are his fault so you do not need to say that it is his doing, just repeating it twice )



I cannot change what I did but you all can. Live a peaceful and a happy life and never let go of your beliefs because they make you a unique among millions like you.



From,

Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi




I really liked the work. You are talking about someone who had been alive and had made so many things for the freedom of so many people which makes this work heart taking. Good job and hope the review helps.

I think you have a pretty neat story. Having the narrator read a letter left by a historical figure is an intelligent way to portray a real person without making the story fiction-bound. I especially like the overall meaning of the story as wrapped up by the last sentence, and I think it reigns true for not just Gandhi, but everyone. Even Hitler did a lot of good things, you just don't hear about it.

The story is really fascinating. All it's really missing is basic grammar and structural things. It doesn't seem like you used a word processor for this, because there are no line breaks and to read the story we have to scroll the bar across the page. To fix this, I'd either download Open Office (free) or Microsoft Word ($10 to download). That will fix a lot of problems like capitalizing what needs to be capitalized, line breaks, and when you're done with your story you can just copy and paste it into the site editor.

But if you put aside the grammar issues, this ends up being a pretty neat story. Maybe you could have someone deliver the letter rather than have it drop from the sky, it's a bit goofy the way you have it. Starting a story with "once upon a time" is cliche and not necessary. Besides that, thanks for sharing.