Sayge ran her fingers along the repulsive scar that snaked along the length of Orochi's torso. She could feel his muscles tense then slowly relax. Sayge let her eyes wander to Orochi's face. It was more pale than usual, giving him a sickly appearance though his beauty remained. She turned to Raiden and sighed. "The least I can do is break his fever until I can find the twins," she muttered. "But he's poisoned for sure."
Now it was Raiden's turn to appear sick. He looked down at his younger brother. "I remember when my parents adopted him back when I was eight. He was six then. He never said much, but you could always tell what he was thinking. And he hasn't changed a bit. I took him wherever I went because I favored him over the others. Still do."
"Others?" Sayge asked. "I thought it was just the two of you."
Raiden moved over to the window and gave a distant smile as he stared through the glass. "No. There's plenty of us- fifteen boys and fifteen girls. The other twenty-nine are adopted."
"Has IT bothered him before?" the young girl inquired, watching the older of the trio.
"IT? Yes, plenty of times." Raiden replied, holding in tears that threatened to flood his cheeks. The IT that Sayge referred to was the same IT that nearly took Orochi's life. "Back when he was your age...he got sick all of a sudden..." His brown eyes squeezed shut as stray tears stained his face.
Sayge turned back to Orochi. His eyes opened but only for a few seconds- long enough to catch a glimpse of his older brother and sigh. Orochi turned his head and drifted off into a deep slumber.
End of chapter
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140,210 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: A pretty solid looking start to what appears to be a pretty interesting story here, this one definitely makes you ask a few questions right from the very beginning and definitely that ending you've got right there.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm, well, that's a powerful start right there, looks like we have ourselves a protagonist that has been poisoned and thinks are starting off on a bit of tense note right there. Definitely a good way to get the reader's attention there right at the very beginning of the story.
Well, that's an interesting detail there, it looks like we have ourselves someone whose related to this poisoned person just reminiscing about this person...and well, its interesting to see what sort of message you're trying to convey here...cause for the moment, it looks perhaps you're trying to establish the emotional connection between these two but then all the talk of adoption also seems to be trying to say something else there too.
Well, that is a looot of people to have in one family...those parents have got to be some pretty darn well off people to support that many children. You should probably keep an eye on how that goes there, cause it might mess with the worldbuilding somewhat. That aside though, well, that's a very interesting detail to mention there...I wonder what its trying to say here.
Aaand we have ourselves a bit of a cliffhanger to end with I see...interesting choice of ending there too...its almost like this person is trying to say something but then it just cuts off...and leaves you hanging. It is very effective cause I definitely now want to find out more about what happens here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, for the most part this is a pretty solid piece here. Seems like the start to a pretty good story and one that I'd potentially read here. Aaand that's about all I've gotta say for now.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
COOLLL DUDE ITS AWESOME!!!! KEEP WRITING
Kay here to save your work from the green room.
Please separate your work into paragraphs. It makes it much easier for both readers and reviewers to understand what you're trying to say, especially as your works get longer. A good rule of thumb is that every time a new person speaks, even if it's only a single sentence, you make a new paragraph.
You have a bit of an info dump when Raiden explains about his family. Although it takes longer, the common formula is to drop hints throughout the story instead of a character explaining it. That's just too quick, easy, and boring to be fun, and stories are all about fun.
You could use more description, too. Flesh this out a little. And everybody's so unemotional. Maybe if Raiden likes his brother, a tear glimmers in his eye when he looks at the injured man. If he doesn't, maybe Shinobu could note his disregard for his brother's health?
I hope my review was helpful.
I'm an amateur author, so your review was more than helpful. Whenever I have the chance, I'll be back to spruce this piece up a bit. Thanks for the review.
Okay! So nice work here, I love your style, and I love the names! They're cool! This gives me the feel I get when I'm reading a story with a lot of potential, one that isn't just a random mud-ball thrown into the world. One that's gonna go somewhere.
Grammar: Your grammar is good in all but one aspect. This is just one paragraph. Remember, dialogue has to be separated! Also, you use names too much, use some pronouns describing the characters instead of their names. I mean, the names are cool and all, but giving stuff like 'the boy in the bed' or 'the tall black' instead of George and Charlie is really essential.
Spelling: Your spelling has nothing to add! Really I should merge this part of reviews with Grammar.
Style: Style is good! It lacks description, but that's just a personal thing! It goes well with this feel.
Plot: Okay! So the plot is what makes me think this story has potential! It's great! Good work there, make sure you keep it up! It makes me want to read more.
Theme: Theme feels good, but one paragraph isn't enough for this guy to figure it out!
Thoughts? Good work! Cut down that paragraph though and use less names!
Overall: Please, Please, Please keep it up! I loved it! I really hope you let me know when you update, that way I can keep up.
Good work! *Double's keep it up request!
~Black~