Young Writers Society

This poem is about a person who loves someone, but they belong to another and when they are free, they belong to a different other, you will never succeed in getting the person you want because they will always belong to another no matter how hard you try to slip through, you fail every time but you stay no matter how much pain it causes you, you get shamed by yourself by loving this person while they belong to another.

Hey Sandy! And a belated welcome to YWS, I hope you're really enjoying the site so far - I thought I'd take a look at this poem as it was still in the Green Room!

So this subject material I think is going to resonate with a lot of people who can relate to that feeling of unrequited love. There is a lyrical quality to the final four stanzas for sure and I think the poem has the potential to be written as a song - I'm not sure if that's what you were going for or not, but it definitely has a melodic feeling with some of the repetition.

Positives
I think the second to last stanza was my favorite here - the rhyme of away / anyway is nice and then the metaphor of a person slipping away like water is a very nice visual that is a great metaphor for how a person can be hard to hold on to even when we love them or want to hold them closely.

I like that you used a little variety in stanza length because to me this kept in interesting to have a longer part in the middle to sort of build up drama and intensity of the speaker's observations and feelings.

Parts to Grow
I think one part I wasn't so sure of was the use of the word "cue" - I'm not sure if that's the best fit here. A cue is usually a sign - but what is the person a cue / sign for? I couldn't quite understand what was being said there? The sign for love? If their face was the sign - that even feels a tad shallow if the speaker was only in love with their face, but not them as a person, I don't know - that part I just maybe would develop a bit more.

Another part to maybe delve a bit deeper into would be in your descriptions for building a little bit of a fuller picture - for instance in the middle list part you say "the light , the crowd, the sound, the eyes" - these are all interesting details to shoutout - but would be so much more vivid in painting a scene if you described them a bit - what was the light looking like? was it blue? was it flourescent? where was it coming from? What was the crowd doing? why was it memorable? what were the sounds? what was catching about the eyes? who's eyes were they? Adding in some of these details will move the poem from generic to specific and I think will make the poem paint a picture in the reader's mind so they can connect to what you're portraying even more.

Overall, this was an enjoyable read and seemed to portray a story of unrequitted love in which the speaker was very connected to the subject but wasn't sure if that love was reciprocated so they felt like their love was escaping or going away.

Nice job on this piece, I hope you continue to write and share more poetry! All the best of luck in your writing endeavors!

alliyah

Wow, who hurt you? I never been to a situation and relationship like this but, it's painful to read. It reminds me of those old sad love songs Mom and Dad play in the car while the rain pours outside. The last few stanzas just hurt, I hope you are okay. Over all, it was very sad yet pleasant to read. Continue writing, @sandygarnet!