Tarnished.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey Diane and on behalf of... well, myself, I would like to welcome you to YWS! You can call me Stella, and I shall be your critiquer this afternoon.
I. NITPICKS
Comma, not full stop there.
the thirst that urged me so... what?
hadn't.
were, not we're. We're means "we are."
"Maria?"
Try something like this:
"It was her eyes that scared me the most, as they were filled a distorted mixture of dark shades."
Avoid the word "nice."
piercing, also, only one full stop at the end.
'Maria whispered to me. "Gesivelle..." she said calmly.'
No capital for "she". That goes for all speech tags like this.
Leave out the "but", and a space after the comma. Also, avoid exclamation marks except in dialogue.
Full stop after "sister"
"I'm so sorry," I wailed. Comma at the end if there's a speech tag coming.
Leave out the "on" and it's my, not m.
Commas!
disintergrate.
full stop after fury.
"David! Watch out!" screamed a girl who then cried in horror.
Caps and extra exclamation marks make no difference. "Leave!" I screamed at her is just as effective.
Okay so.
II. PROOFREADING
Proofread, and if it don't make sense, change it! Get rid of run-on sentences without enough clauses! Eliminate punctuation error! Exterminate annoying mistakes in your prose! Editing will save the world some day, so start... today!
Okay, that was a cheesy superhero speech. But seriously, proofreading will make your work seem a whole lot more professional.
III. UM... HANDS UP IF YOU'RE CONFUSED...
'Cause I am.
Who's a vampire and who isn't? What's happened to her mother? Why are they in this mess? If Maria's able to bite her mother, how can her sister bite her? I thought vamps only sucked the blood of humans. What colour are their eyes? Why are they all angsty?
Expaaaaand...
Because I was pretty much entirely lost for most of this. I didn't even get a clear idea of where they are.
You need to think of all the clear, simple facts your readers need to know and get them across in a clear, simple way. Remember as we're not you, we can't see what you see in your head, you've got to show it to us.
IV. ATTACK OF THE MARY SUES AND GARY STUS?
(I'm saying strange things during this review.)
A Mary Sue or a Gary Stu is a character who's perfect in every way and therefore, is possibly the worst character that can be written.
Now, I'm sure you'll disagree with me, but I find Edward Cullen one of the biggest Gary Stus I've ever read. *cowers* But it's true. I don't like him at all.
So you need to save yourself from these characters.
Don't do the whole "he was a Greek god" thing. Remember that physical beauty doesn't necessarily represent inner-beauty in any case. Don't make your characters all gorgeous. It's annoying. And make sure that they are all horribly, horribly flawed.
I'm telling you this now as a warning as you said you were a fan of the Twilight books.
V. CHARACTERIZATION
There was very little.
You need to start developing your characters from the word "go." How is your MC physically reacting to how her mother has died? Does she have nervous habits coming up? Also, how is her relationship with Maria? What about Maria herself?
Forget you're writing characters and start writing people. People you can talk to on the street. And don't do away with the screaming girl either. Keep your characters, and make them real to us.
VI. OVERALL
I wasn't a huge fan. Now, that is by no means to say it was bad, but it needs work. Proofread it and make your prose more natural. Get into your character's heads and think "How are they reacting? And why are they reacting like that?"
I'm not a Twilight fan, so the style didn't appeal to me at all either.
But keep working on it and you'll improve by absolute miles! You seem to have some sort of storyline, so go with it.
Here's hoping you stick around!
PM me if you have any questions!
-Stella.
Okay, good luck, then! Looking forward to see what you do with it. :3
I will do the best I can.
...
Crits?
I may be harsh.
The way you write doesn't flow. Typos everywhere and it's just not smooth. Your descriptions are pretty point blank. Your grammar is lacking, and the multiple exclamation marks are unneeded. You just throw things out without easing them into the story, and then you just forget about it when you're done with it. No follow-up.
And the obvious Edward wanna-be is kind of failish.
And in the beginning, everything is very unclear. First it seems as though the sister is attacking the main character, then all of a sudden, the main character killed the sister who was supposedly already a vampire. What?
It was too random, and your character overpowered her sister too quickly. You didn't even show us the scene with the mother, just stated that your sister had bitten her, and didn't even really make that clear.
My advice: Re-write it. More detail, more flow, more listening to the squiggly lines under your words.