Tarnished.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Thank you I will do that
It's true that I still need to review over before posting it. Thanks for you response^-^ oh and non taken heh
It's okay I kind of forgot to add something there and thanks
Drip! Drop! Drip drop! [clever hook]
!).
It's raining I thought to myself [thoughts are usually put in quotations but maybe you ignored this purposely? But I've also seen it without them so it's up to you. so it'd be "It's raining," I thought to myself]
as I sat alone in the dark house....
"someone cold as you wouldn’t care
if you played with there emotions [their emotions (you used the inccorect form)]
it wouldn’t matter is you used me [this doesnt make sense? did you mean "if you used me"?]
I wont say a thing because
I don’t want to hurt you
so you keep using people [this line sounds awkward because you already used the word "used" previously not long ago so it sounds... badly repetitive. Try using a thesaurus or phrasing this differently.]
and you keep taking never thanking [clever ryhme]
even if you do it's doesn’t change
the minds of others it doesn’t change
my mind either because you
have taken a lot from me not
understanding how hurtful you can be
someone so cold wouldn’t care about me
you wouldn’t listen if I tired to yell your name [maybe a more powerful word than "yell" could be used to make the words stronger]
even if you try to do things the right way
you keep making them worst
your mistakes cause you things[you forgot i think 2 words here. You probably meant cause you to lose things"
like the ones you love
but I know that I’m fading away
but your to blind to see because [grammar error: you're too]
you won't listen...your different from others [I feel like this should end in a period but it's up to you. It really seems like the end of a thought]
you don’t see like others...
you don’t feel the way like others...
you seem so superior in peoples eyes [I think you should take this line out. It seems very "cluttered".]
but I don’t see that I never did....
you only did very little...
you didn’t do much but a little...
to make sure I didn’t turn my back on you...
but for someone cold as you..."
I said quietly to myself....
the tears fell upon my cheek
like raging waterfalls that fell rapidly...
so I closed my eyes and fell asleep
VERYY IMPRESSIVE ENDING
=====
Overall: I really enjoyed this poem. It reminded me of a song called "Cold as you" by Taylor swift. I don't know if you've ever heard it but it's actually very good. Listen to it. Is that where your inspiration came from?
This poem was full of emotions.
I really enjyoed that and connected to it.
However, it had some grammar and spelling errors that need to be corrected and it seriously needs to be edited before you try publishing it anywhere (but hey, thats what us nice folk of YWS are here for
The ending was really tear jerking. I wanted to cry. It tugged at my heartstrings.
Some tips for editing:
Don't be afraid to take out lines completely or add new lines in. There's no shame or fault in it because even if it doesn't sound right later you can always add it back in or take it out again. Also, just because a line sounds somewhat good doesn't mean it should be put into a poem. i feel like you had quite a few lines that could've been removed because they were simply writer's "clutter". Overbuild up of this "clutter" makes a boring read and draws people away.
Keep writing!
If you need any further help or questions or maybe wanna say a thanks please feel free to PM me
--- T a m a r a former t e n n i s p r i n c e s s
Welcome to the YWS! If You have any questions about the site or need help finding something, feel free to PM me. First of all, you haven't done any reviews, and we have a rule that says you must review two stories/poems before you post your own work. You'll probably want to catch up on that soon!
My biggest complaint is that it appears you put no effort into this poem. Now, mind, I didn't say, "You put no effort into this poem," I said it looks like you put no effort into this poem. You have several, easy grammar errors that could have been fix by reading over the poem before posting it. It's confusing and hard to understand because there is limited punctuation, so I have no idea when a sentence ends or begins. The free flow of accusations does nothing for me, your reader, except over whelm me and make me wonder, "What is she writing about?"
If you don't take the time to go over your own work before you post it, why should I take the time to review it?
I hope this didn't dishearten you, I'm only being honest to help you. Best of luck, and again if you have a question about the site feel free to PM me!
This part got me a little confused. I've no idea what the heck your trying to say here(maybe it's just me). The poem would be better also if you organized it so it would read better.