"Helga!" I screamed.
"Look, Selena, we can get it ourselves." My friend, Anna said. Typical Anna. We were lying out by the pool on comfy lawn chairs. Anna stood up and pulled her puple cover-up on over her white bikini.
"Hershey, that's why I have Helga when you're rich and famous you can hire people to do stuff that you're too lazy to do." I said. I call Anna, Hershey, because her hair is the color of a Hershey chocolate bar and she's so sweet. Just then, Helga ran out, her silky, red ponyail flying out behind her.
"Yes, Miss Selena?" Helga asked politely.
"Two Dr Peppers, now!" And with that Helga ran off. I HATE when Helga calls me miss, it makes me feel old.
"Come on let's go swimming!"I said to Anna. I pulled off my hot pink cover-up revealing my black bikini. I ran towards the water and did a cannon ball that resulted in a monstrous splash. Anna ran full speed towards the water and did a pencil dive. "Nice dive, Hershey!" I said "race you to the bottom!" I said smiling.
"You're on!" she said. We raced towards the pool floor. She beat me. Anna's green eyes sparkled. All the sudden it started to get very dark. I looked straight up. The metal pool cover was closing! I took one look at Anna, and we were off. Her wavy hair was no longer in a braid and it soared out behind her. We got to the top and there was about an inch of air in between the metal pool cover and the water. All we could do is hope we didn't run out of air before someone found us. About two minutes later the world went black. Pitch black.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...well that's an interesting point to get started here. Definitely a fun little exchange of dialogue there to get things off the ground. It does also instantly tell us the kind of personality on the two of these people right here especially with the whole discussion about getting up to get something. The way that the second woman speaks there especially lets you know that she's someone that is potentially a bit full of herself being a bit well off, while the other one appears to be a bit more down to earth.
Hmm...well the thought there about miss doesn't quite seem to make sense there, you'd think she'd feel old it it was mrs. not miss, miss is kind of what you use for younger folks, well at any rate...this is quite neat to see the interaction there, it reinforces the earlier traits we saw from her personality and then the lines after show that the two friends at least seem to get along somewhat well.
Oh wow, that actually ended with wayy more of a twist than I was ever expecting, so awesome job there, I just think you rushed through that way too fast. This is the first chapter after all and a relatively short one at that so you could have very easily leant into that nicely and just built up a bit of panic at the cover closing and just showed some more emotions and made this much more powerful ending. I love the premise, but the delivery just could've been so much more powerfully done.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks *wink wink*
I loved it! I liked the cliffhanger!
Hello there,
I'm going to quote the whole thing so it's easier to correct.
I see you have problems with spacing. First off, when it's in a big paragraph like that with close to no spacing between your paragraphs, it's really discouraging for readers. So I spaces it out for you, you can see it's a lot easier to read.
Also, I see you don't really go into details so you don't give us a pile of information as soon as we began reading, and I like that. It's better to add details as you go then just pitch it all to the reader all at once and interrupt the flow of the story by doing that.
The thing that bothers me though is the flow of the story. You seem like you use a lot of periods instead of making longer sentences and using commas. The thing is, when you do that, you make the story feel angry. It doesn't seem fun and easy going like you want to. I would recommend you combine some of your sentences so it's easier for the eye.
For example, this bit could become something like this:
We raced towards the pool floor, Anna's hand touched it before mine and she turned to me, green eyes sparkling.
Instead of three sentences that seem rough, you have one long one who seems a little bit softer.
Keep writing!
-Other One
This is a chapter? Really? Its not even a page long! A chapter should at least be 5 pages! At least and even then its too short....
This is like the beginning of the first half a page of the novel not a chapter.
There's not supposed to be a lot of details. I'm hinting on the characters as I go along.
Awesome! I like it so far and will keep reading.
But everytime a new person talks it's sopossed to be a new paragrph, and the words in #FF0000 ">red are errors.
It should look like that.
I like the story, it's a little confusing but maybe the second chapter will make more sense, and maybe you should add a little more details. I didn't get a whole lot of information about the charcters.
Keep Writing
Sorry it's so short the second chapter will be longer.