I woke up but kept my eyes closed. Something was poking my arms. A thin blanket covered my body. I was wearing a nightgown. A nightgown! My eyes flew open. I looked around. White walls, stained white tile floor, IVs in my arm, I was in a hospital! My mom walks in. "Hello sweetheart, how are you feeling?" Then I remembered what happened, me, Anna, the pool. OMG! Anna! "Mom, I'm fine, but how's Anna?" I asked. My mom suddenly had a very sad look on her face. She opened her mouth then closed it. "Mom, how's Anna?" I was beginning to panic. "Selena, I don't know how to tell you this but, Anna-Anna's......dead. I'm so, so sorry." She spat the word out like it was a disease, because it is. No, it couldn't be true. "Mom, why are you lying to me?" I asked."Sweetie, I'm sorry, but, I'm not lying. I know your in denial, but, you'll have to let her go." I knew now that she wasn't lying. I sat there jaw dropped, eyes bugging out. Then I snapped my jaw up. I reached over to my arm firmly grabbed the IV tubes and pulled them as hard as I could out of my arm, wincing as I did so. I pulled the blanket off me. I swung my legs over the side of the bed. I stood up and grabbed the table next to my bed and steadied myself. I ran out of my room. I ran down the hall, I bumped into many people but ignored their annoyed faces. I threw open the big glass double doors. I ran out into the pouring rain. Big raindrops ran down my face. My blond hair hung wetly around my face. My bare feet smacked the hard black asphalt parking lot. I was coming upon a grass patch. I was running across the grass and about halfway through my foot hit something slimy. My foot fell out from under me. I slipped and fell on my butt, hard. The tears came and mixed in with the rain that covered my face. The ran down my face like a waterfall. Then someone's arms were around me. My mother's voice said in my ear "Sweetheart, I'm so, so, so sorry. Please come inside so you don't get sick." I could hear Anna's voice in my ear, and I could see her in front of me smiling, I knew then that Anna wouldn't want me to be out here getting sick. "Okay." I said to her. She pulled a ponytail holder off her wrist and pulled my loose blond curls into a messy ponytail. Mom helped me up. She had a pair of flip flops in her hand. She dropped them on the groung and I slid them on. We walked inside and everyone stared. I dropped my head and walked to my room. I took a short shower and the nurse got me a new gown. I put it on and climb into bed. Gone? I shake my head and fall asleep.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Okay, first of all, don't use abbreviations like OMG. If you're going to say it, then do. If you're worried about doing something like that, don't be. If you haven't noticed, there are many worse ones people have inserted in their stories. Profanity isn't outlawed, as long as it actually fits into the story and isn't just there as a filler or to "look cool." Next, the scene in which your MC's mom tells her that Anna is dead is way too abrupt. She needs to be slower about it, maybe try to change the subject, avoid telling her daughter. And one more thing: be careful not to mix up your and you're. Well, that's it. I really enjoyed this. Great job!
I think it is getting really interesting, please write more!
Hello Sammay.
Okay, so first off you switch a lot from past tense to present tense. This is not good. It gets confusing and you should always stick with one tense. So I don't know if it was typos or something else, but I think I corrected them all... Next time, try to proof read your stuff, because this is taking away from your story. When I read something that has a lot of mistakes in it, it takes my attention from the plot itself and I concentrate on the mistakes instead.
Also, like I said in the previous chapter, you need to combine some sentences to make it flow better. I won't say it all again, since you probably read my review in the first chapter, but I just want to mention it so you don't forget to do it in all the other chapters as well.
Other than that, it's good. I liked her 'freak out' it gives us a little but of understatement about how she felt about Anna.
Keep writing!
-Other One