"Are you ready yet?" Susan yelled at me once again.
"ALMOST!" I screamed down the stairs, getting more frustrated by the second. Susan had been bugging me for the past hour about getting ready to leave. I did NOT want to leave for California. Not when everything was starting to go good. Not when I had just started dating the football captain, Ryan Folley. Not when everyone just started to really like me. Not now...
"COME ON, ARIANA, WE HAVE TO GO!" Susan screamed, and I rolled my eyes and picked up my bags, making sure to grab my iPhone and Macbook. I stuffed them in my bag and rushed down the stairs.
"Well, finally..." Susan complained; "I thought you'd never get down here..." She grabbed my suitcases and threw them in the trunk. I kept my bag with the stuff I wanted right by my side with me, holding it tight against my chest like a little kid would hold a favorite stuffed animal.
"Are you ready?" Susan asked, a smile on her face. She seemed genuinely happy we were leaving for California. I know I wasn't...
I got in the front seat, took out my phone and headphones, and went to my music. I turned on 'Just the Way You Are' by Bruno Mars,reluctantly watching my home in Chicago, Illinois fade away as we made our way to the airport to travel to San Francisco, California...
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141,365 Literary Works • 674,382 Reviews
I have to agree with Lycando, this would be much better as a prologue. You also don't have spaces where spaces need to be. Especially in those last two sentences. The caps lock thing always annoyed me in writing, even when I was in 2nd grade and reading Junie B. so, just my personal opinion, but I'd change it. Just go through it and fix your grammar mistakes.
Hey there!
First off I think this would be better of as a prologue than the first chapter. Reason being it's pretty short and it's just a single scene. It's also an introduction to the two characters.
The caps weren't really needed in proving the screaming. In fact overuse of it gets annoying to the reader. Using exclamation marks would do the job just fine. Also you used the words "screamed" which proves that it's loud.
It's pretty descriptive when you describe the scene. And I can see some form of character here. First off was Ariana's thoughts of not wanting to leave, and her feelings were pretty down. Susan on the other hand I didn't see much of her, I don't know much about her. Given that this is only the start of the story thought I don't expect much.
I would like to know what happens after Ariana reaches California and how the plot will develop from there, I'm looking forward to further chapters!