fear.

this was about a confusing, messy breakup and about the fear that came with having to move on. i no its a little abstract, but that's pretty much the idea i had when i was writing it.
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The rumbling clouds are crashing down like waves.
And I'm walking on the sky.
My crumbling mind is stirring these thoughts.
I'm in a dark, shallow high.

The shadows in the sand are laughing at me.
At all I have left behind.
I hide in my small, lit bubble.
Although there is still so much to find.

Your words crash down on me like waves,
and they slowly trickle their way to the ground.
this is where they sink into the dark, lifeless sand.
And sadly are never to be found.

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Mon Mar 22, 2010 9:31 pm

eldEr says...

A few minor mistakes, but very very good!

There should be their
and
Im should be I'm
other than that it's great!

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Mon Mar 22, 2010 9:03 pm

Sins wrote a review...

Hey there samiam

I've noticed that you haven't done any reviews so far. I don't want to sound like a miserable saddo or anything, but it's a nice idea to do some reviews as well as posting your own stuff! Reviewing other work also helps you get reviews on your own stuff, so that helps!

Anyway! Onto your poem.
I agree with what Evi has said. I'm not to sure what this poem is actually about. Evi has more or less said everything that I would say about this, so I won't repeat what's already been said. I also think that your rhymes are slightly forced. If you can't think of a rhyme, then don't force one out that isn't really that good!

There are some grammar mistakes, but there isn't really anything very bad there. The other reviewers have pointed them out anyway. I've been beaten to it! :lol:

The shadows in the sand are laughing at me.
At all I have left behind.

These lines were some of my favourite's. I especially like the first line. I like how the words 'The shadows in the sand' flow together nicely.

Im in a dark, shallow high.

This line on the other hand, I'm not too sure about. The word 'high' is used as an adjective. Because of the rest of the line, it doesn't really make much sense. To be honest, you need a noun on the end of this sentence. Also, you need an apostrophe between the I and the M in the word I'm. :wink:

Overall, I did enjoy your poem.
All you need to do is take mine and other reviewers advice, and use it! Look through your poem, edit it, and give it an all round polish!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

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Mon Mar 22, 2010 12:41 am

Evi wrote a review...

Happy National Poetry Day! I'm here in order to celebrate the occasion; bring on the confetti!

The rumbling clouds are crashing down like waves.
And I'm walking on the sky.
My crumbling mind is stirring these thoughts.
I'm in a dark, shallow high.

***

Your words crash down on me like waves,
and they slowly trickle ~~there~~ their way to the ground.
this is where they sink into the dark, lifeless sand.
And sadly are never to be found.

So, fix those little grammar mistakes! Proofreading is awesome. You should try it.

The thing about this poem is that I read through it three times without getting any meaning whatsoever out of it. It's not that there's no meaning there; it's just that the format of the poem (the forced rhyme, the strict capitalization, the rigid punctuation) makes it easy to just glide absentmindedly through the poem without really understanding what you're saying.

It's oddly similar to being hypnotized, but not really in a good way.

And then, once I really thought, "Oh, wait, what is this actually about?" and tried to concentrate hard for a meaning, it was too obscure. In the first stanza you mention "these thoughts", but we don't know what those thoughts are. You mention that the narrator has left something behind, but we never figure out what. And then there's suddenly another character, the "you", who says something and their words trickle to the ground...but what do they say?

You need to go through the poem and figure out what you're trying to say, because whatever it is isn't coming across. You walk up to the edge of a meaningful line, but don't follow through with it or explain why it's important. Remember, poetry is more than pretty phrases thrown on paper and made to rhyme: first and foremost you have to tell a story, and right now that story isn't readily available.

Start by figuring out what this poetry is in response to. Words, it seems, from this person you're talking to. What did they say? What was is about? What is your narrator going to say, or do, in response?

Best of luck, and keep writing! PM me if you need anything.

~Evi

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Fri Mar 12, 2010 3:03 pm

Elinor wrote a review...

Hello there Sam! Welcome to YWS! I see that you aren't a new member, but you've only recently decided to post. In any case, welcome back! A nice poem. You can see my comments and corrections below!

samiam wrote:And I'm walking on the sky.

You repeat this mistake several times throughout the poem. Im is not a word, but rather a contraction of I am. Therefore, you must have an apostrophe after the 'I', to show that "I" and "am" are two separate words but the "a" in "am" is not being used.

Im in a dark, shallow high.

The last time I checked, the word high was not a noun, it was an adjective. You set it up as if it should be a noun with "in a". Perhaps you could say, "It is" so it says, "It is dark, shallow, high"?

Overall, I liked it. You've got good solid, poetry with a nice style. Send me a PM if you need anything or if you post anything new.

C'ya.
-Elinor

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fear.

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