With some black clouds
I feel pain in heart
Many rainfalls have passed
You didn't come
With smell of wet mud
My breathing stops
Many wetness in my eyes have passed
You didn't come
With some drops of rain pouring down
My whole body sinks
Many drops found on my cheek have passed
You didn't come
With air touching my lips
I feel prickle on them
Many days have passed
You did'nt come
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
"With air touching my lips
I feel prickle on them
Many days have passed
You did'nt come"
When doesn't air touch your lips?
try adding some punctuation like said above and maybe rhyme a bit, make a sad poem fun to read
keep writing =)happy reading(=
I saw the format of this poem before I read it and I assumed that it was going to rhyme. I became confused when it didn't. Don't make it rhyme, though, because it would be so un-serious. I'd really like to see the format of this changed...you don't have to have four lines in every stanza. You can be a stanza non-conformist.
I agree completely with what lillizard said about the awkwardly phrased sentences. When you're editing, read it aloud or pretend you're reading it aloud. Nobody likes to read a poem that takes a few times to wrap one's mind around.
Punctuation would also be fantastic. First two lines of each stanza = one sentence. The "Many...have passed" part would be one sentence, and "You didn't come" would be one sentence. Your suggested sentences there are consistent, and it makes sense when paired with the repeated phrases.
Okay, let's get started. First off, welcome to YWS samarah. Secondly, you are only supposed to post a story or poem once a day. Although, two is okay... Anyway, here's your critique!
Yeah. This doesn't make any sence. Either make it "I feel pain in my heart", or you can make it "My heart in pain", or something like one of those two.
Just like the last one, this is an incomplete sentance. You can change it to either "With the smell of wet mud" or "I smell wet mud. Also, I don't know a lot of mud that isn't wet. Well, actually it can be, so never mind what I just said. =D
This doesn't make any sence either. You can change that to "Many [tears] in my eyes have passed, or "Many [drops] in my eyes have passed".
This kind of messes with the flow of the poem. I would just get rid of the entire line, and replace it with something else. It doesn't make any sence, and it kills the rythm.
Yeah, this sentance doesn't make any sence. I would just get rid of this line, or you could always change it to "I feel them prickle". That would clear it up a bit.
Move the apostriphy over one time>.
Well, I really like the idea of the poem. After you do the adjustments that I showed you, it should sound like a very nice poem. I hope you find your way around YWS, and enjoy it. Also, I double ANI's opinion that it would sound a little nicer if you added punctuation. However, as poems don't follow grammer, that isn't really neaded. Well, good luck fixing it, and repost after you've changed it. I really want to see the revised edition for this.=D
p.s. If you need a critique for any story or poem, just pm me and I'll respond in less than two days. However, I am going to be gone around this Christmass, so that's one exception. See you around!
lillizard wuz here. =P
It would be nice to use some puntuations in this poem.