Young Writers Society

Hello, salander! Welcome to YWS. I don't review poetry as often, but I was very intrigued by your poem today, so I hope you don't mind if I comment a little on it!

I can tell that you're working with a very clear rhyme scheme and meter here, and you do a very good job of it! It can be really tricky to get right. There are a few places in which this pattern doesn't entirely work out for you--I'm going to point them out, and you can experiment with changing them up a little! (They're all just suggestions, so of course you have the choice to take them or leave them as you see fit)

Seek me and you'll be lost
Fight me and I'll parry
Teach me and you'll be taught

Quick fix--these are only six beats that I counted, and I think if you changed "you'll" to "you will", the meter will fit better with the rest of the poem.

I am your very sweet sin
Your bottomless pit of rage
Pretty melody you sing

This feels like a bit of a tough spot to me. "sin" and "sing" is not the most... rhyming of rhymes, so I think with some tweaking, that could get more precise. ("I am your very sweet sin/Where the melody begins" for example, is a little closer with similar meaning) "Very sweet sin" also throws me off a little, and I actually read it at first as "sweetest sin", which seems to flow a little better if you could fix the meter issue that would raise! And then the last line here need "a" or something along those lines, because your sentences have been pretty coherent throughout the poem and starting out with "pretty melody" doesn't feel like it works as well here.

Home which you would always long

Here is a little awkward as well because you start simply with "home" and squeeze the sentence in to end with "long". Something like "the home where you must belong" might work better? I had trouble fitting anything in there as well, so it might take a few tries to find something that you really like!

One other thing I wanted to mention was punctuation. Some poems are wonderful for their lack of punctuation, but others need it to help with structure and emphasis. I think that some punctuation, especially at the end of the lines, could make the impact of this poem a lot stronger! I was thinking, for example:

Lean your head down for a kiss--
Just keep the two souls aligned.

Not much changed, but I think it reads very differently and has a stronger break to it. Think about adding some in where it's needed!

Who am I but what you see
Behind the lids of your eyes

Also, I really love this image and I think you do a good job with it. <3

That's about all I have to say for now! I really liked the imagery you used--it wasn't overly heavy on description or action, but there was a very clear emotion in my head and a sense of a picture slowly being painted. Your last four lines are really strong and they bring the poem home effectively!

Feel free to let me know if you have any questions, about the review or just the site in general. I'd be happy to help!

-Q