Feed me and you'll go hungry
Seek me and you'll be lost
Fight me and I'll parry
Teach me and you'll be taught
I am your very sweet sin
Your bottomless pit of rage
Pretty melody you sing
Your own shadow's darkest shade
Who am I but what you see
Behind the lids of your eyes
Stuck in this limbo, may be
The light under your heels cries
Embrace is what's left to do
For bitter wind comes along
And the dust delivers you to
Home which you would always long
You can cut deeper than this
Black flood surging in your mind
Lean your head down for a kiss
Just keep the two souls aligned
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,730 Reviews
I really enjoyed the imagination you put into this beautiful poem. Also have you considered getting published on to Scholastic, you would be really good at that did that's how good you story is, or poem in this case.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious..
It's a work that means really awesome, which describes your poem/story. You did a fantastic job.
I enjoyed the imagery in this piece a lot. It was as if I could really feel the words when i closed my eyes. (Because I always have someone read me a poem that is descriptive so I can take it all in with my eyes closed to get a full experience.) Full of energy, with a good ending. Well done.
Hey, thank you very much! You%u2019re a genius! I think I also have to get me a someone to read me poems haha
Hello, salander! Welcome to YWS.
I don't review poetry as often, but I was very intrigued by your poem today, so I hope you don't mind if I comment a little on it!
I can tell that you're working with a very clear rhyme scheme and meter here, and you do a very good job of it! It can be really tricky to get right. There are a few places in which this pattern doesn't entirely work out for you--I'm going to point them out, and you can experiment with changing them up a little! (They're all just suggestions, so of course you have the choice to take them or leave them as you see fit)
Quick fix--these are only six beats that I counted, and I think if you changed "you'll" to "you will", the meter will fit better with the rest of the poem.
This feels like a bit of a tough spot to me. "sin" and "sing" is not the most... rhyming of rhymes, so I think with some tweaking, that could get more precise. ("I am your very sweet sin/Where the melody begins" for example, is a little closer with similar meaning) "Very sweet sin" also throws me off a little, and I actually read it at first as "sweetest sin", which seems to flow a little better if you could fix the meter issue that would raise! And then the last line here need "a" or something along those lines, because your sentences have been pretty coherent throughout the poem and starting out with "pretty melody" doesn't feel like it works as well here.
Here is a little awkward as well because you start simply with "home" and squeeze the sentence in to end with "long". Something like "the home where you must belong" might work better? I had trouble fitting anything in there as well, so it might take a few tries to find something that you really like!
One other thing I wanted to mention was punctuation. Some poems are wonderful for their lack of punctuation, but others need it to help with structure and emphasis. I think that some punctuation, especially at the end of the lines, could make the impact of this poem a lot stronger! I was thinking, for example:
Not much changed, but I think it reads very differently and has a stronger break to it. Think about adding some in where it's needed!
Also, I really love this image and I think you do a good job with it. <3
That's about all I have to say for now! I really liked the imagery you used--it wasn't overly heavy on description or action, but there was a very clear emotion in my head and a sense of a picture slowly being painted. Your last four lines are really strong and they bring the poem home effectively!
Feel free to let me know if you have any questions, about the review or just the site in general. I'd be happy to help!
-Q
Thank you for your advice! I%u2019ll keep it in mind! I genuinely understand where I went wrong with this work but I have to tell you that as I was writing this, I did not have in mind any rules to follow. Sometimes it%u2019s difficult for me to follow rules and I always get frustrated because I overthink greatly so I just dive my nose right in. But I guess I kinda %u2018unconciously%u2019 had, reading the first paragraph of your review. Again, thanks for your advice and I%u2019m looking forward for your future suggestions!! <3
Wow, you did that all without any rules in mind? Call me impressed!
Haha now I%u2019m starting to think that all the while I had
I was just not fully aware of it. When I%u2019m writing my mind usually has this unending scream of %u2018screw it!%u2019 Hahaha
Just so you know, I took your suggestions! Now it%u2019s edited in my phone storage.. Thank youu
hey salander!
I must say that you write really deep...…….. I got little lost in the poem and felt amazing. keep it up, you write really well. I would love to read your work more. I just wanna tell that, I like poems which rhymes. As they look complete and give a greater sense to read more, an urge to get into the words. Again, keep writing like this and put your inner feelings on paper, trust me it will give a sense of better understanding and will help you to express more.
keep writing and smiling always. very well done
Thanks so much!! I must say, I was worried that nobody would like my writing but then again it%u2019s honest work and truly originates from my heart and soul. But reading your positive comment, you calm my worries! Thank you so much again! I like rhyming poems too, it%u2019s just that sometimes I like to write without any restrictions. Nevertheless, I will soon post a rhyming poem.
(I hope I%u2019m not gonna disappoint you with my works! %u2764%uFE0F)