Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
start of the story
A long time ago vampires and humans where the only ones who where trying to make peace, darkness against light seemed to never end. They didn't care that there loved ones where dieing because they where being foolish, until a family that was known through out the world came into veiw. The midnight clan where known to study creatures of all kinds even if it cost there life.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,418 Literary Works • 674,397 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay, well when you say, the start of the story, I do hope this is perhaps some sort of blurb or a really short prologue or perhaps this is just the first paragraph of the first chapter here, cause this is kind of too short if you're going to consider it to be the entire first chapter.
That aside though, let's get right into thing here...aaand we run into vampires and humans attempting to get along somehow. The whole darkness against light thing seems a touch confusing as to the message that its trying to convey but I get a sense that vampires and humans are somehow trying to make peace about something but its all amounting to nothing and just lots of people on both sides are ending up dead because of it.
Then of course there's the mention of this 'midnight clan' which is well...tough to say whether its meant to be a human family, a vampire family or potentially even a mixed family of some sorts that's researching all manner of deadly creatures for some reason. It sounds a tiny bit disconnected from the rest of the story or rather I just think that perhaps you've just not given enough context here for us to understand much.
All in, an interesting piece, buts its really hard to judge much about it with how short and generic it seems here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
One of my favorite creatures are vampires. If you keep writing about vampires, I promise to keep reading your works whenever I'm logged on.
Lets get down to brasstacks here. The piece is very short, but that's cool. Afterall, this is your story, but here's a friendly tip: check your grammar and punctuation.
Other than that, you've captured my attention. I'll be looking forward to reading more of your work.
If I didn't know any better I would of thought that I was reading a short book preview.
I don't see any language violence or mature content anywhere.
I wish to read more, you seem to have a good imagination, your going have to, if you want your werewolf and vampire story to stand out from the hundreds of thousands that are out there already.
I hope to see more of your work.
Hey!
Welcome to YWS!
Okay, so this is a short chapter. But that's alright
On with my review:
Well, there's not much for me to review about other than the grammatical errors because, you've left the chapter quite abruptly. The only thing I understood was that the story is about Vampires and Werewolves and there is this Midnight Clan who love to take risks to study such creatures.
You see? Not much to go on.
So you should considering adding more to this chapter. Otherwise the reader gets bored.
I just noticed something with the reviews. Its usually only the grammatical errors that are corrected, nothing more. So grammatical errors aside, I'm going to be reviewing the content you've put up.
Okay, starting off from the beginning.
See, you've mentioned that vampires and werewolves have been fighting for a long time. But why? Why were they fighting? Darkness against light doesn't explain it because both the creatures kill for food and other pleasures.
And then you've mentioned that they were being foolish to fight, and so this midnight clan came to intervene. What happened? You've mentioned that they study such creatures, but what did they do the fight? The title says, "Death of the Midnight Clan" , so I'm assuming they get killed.
The chapter is short, thats okay, but you should write it in such a way that there aren't too many questions, just expectations.
I hope I didn't come across as too harsh
Just make sure your next chapter is a bit more longer with all the holes filled
Okay thats all for my review!
Welcome to YWS,once again
Keep writing! Good job!
Well it's a short piece, but I can work with that. First thing that caught my attention was all the ratings, I was expecting an action filled piece. Also the tittle was an interesting one, however it would be awesome if it were capitalized and the period removed. So now on to the actual piece itself.
"A long time ago vampires and humans where the only ones who where trying to make peace, darkness against light seemed to never end." I'm not sure what you where going for here, I understand that vampires and humans were trying to make peace, but I don't understand the part about being the only ones. Also, the part about darkness and light didn't seem to fit in. I do have a recommendation on how you can remedy it though.
Try this, "A long time ago vampires and humans attempted to make peace, but it was like a battle between darkness and light, it was never ending."
I feel that this makes more sense, and has fixed some of the issues about using the improper forms of were. Let's move on to the next sentence. "They didn't care that there loved ones where dieing because they where being foolish, until a family that was known through out the world came into veiw."
First off you used the wrong for of there, in this case it should be their. Second problem is that you used the wrong form of where, it should be were. Thirdly, dieing however spelled right, doesn't mean what you wanted it to. Change dieing to dying and then you'll have what you wanted. Now I'm confused, why wouldn't they care about their family dying for being foolish, but then suddenly care when a well known family appeared? I'll let you figure that one out, oh and view is spelled wrong.
Time for the final sentence, "The midnight clan where known to study creatures of all kinds even if it cost there life."
I'd like to mention that you should capitalize Midnight Clan, it is the name of something so it should have a capital letter. Also this is the wrong form of where, you should have used were. This part, "even if it cost there life.", has the wrong form of there, it should be their. Not only that but it has some grammar issues so try to change it to," even if it costs them their life." There much better right?
My final comment is that you have been jumping between sentences, there are things missing. You might have intended for us to conclude information, but there isn't enough to conclude with. Try to add some more detail! I know that this is a short piece, but that has helped me pick it clean.
I hope to see more develop from this story in the future. The story has actually caught my attention, so I do wait for more. Also anything I've posted here is just to help you, don't take offense to any of it, please. If you have any questions PM me.
Cheers,
Deadman
Okay, Black here for a quick Review (Not much more I can do).
Oookay! This looks interesting, incomplete, but interesting! You seem on your way to a good story, a good idea, but you need more detail.
So, first off I'll mention: If you're gonna have vampires, give them a twist, but DON'T call them vampires (It makes it all cliche). Call em something else and they become something else. Do that and this story will have a special aspect: Originality. Originality is something I deeply respect! It's important!
Next! You need to do a bit of work on your grammar. Remember, if you're using nouns (Names, places . . .) then you have to capitalize them.
I think you'd want to use 'Midnight Clan' here . . . it looks cooler and is more proper. Another quick error with this sentence (Have I mentioned I love your formal style?), is that it breaks off. You're leading up to something, I feel like this family/Clan is going to be something important! . . . and then you just break right off. If you must know: That Does Not Work.
Ever.
Also 'there' should be 'their'. . . .
Okay, so also remember, if you want to turn this piece into a prologue/preface, then good luck! But you need more details! (Overall you're on the right track - I like to start stories like this). But you have to put in details or the whole thing is meaningless.
I'm getting a feeling that all that I'm saying right now is going to be totally pointless due to the fact that you probably only pasted half of this onto the bar.
Anyway though, here's a quick spell check on your piece here (Minus that last sentence).
My alternative being . . .
There you go!
Now! I've gotta go here so that'll have to be it! Work on your details, size, grammar, and you'll be on the highway to better writing!
Keep writing too (Or you'll never, ever get better!)
~Black~