Young Writers Society

Hey Sak! Wise here for Wizards.
So, first line. There should be a space after the comma, if you're going to use one. It should actually be two sentences. Also, you say you submitted your slippers. I can tell you're trying to use different words but submitted doesn't sound all that good or sensible, even. Maybe, "I went there, pulled off my slippers, and put them in the shoe stand." Or something like that. Submitted doesn't sound right.

"I decided to go to the temple hoping to refresh my mind,I went there and submitted my slippers at the shoe stand."

This next sentence is empty of some words here. After the first word put "I" because we don't know who you're talking about if you don't. You also don't need a comma after "floor", and finally, please tell us who this guy is. People who are reading this are probably wondering who the heck is Krishna.

"Then moved to the front row to sit on the green carpet floor, and tried to concentrate on the beautiful captivating incarnation of Lord Krishna that you can behold without ever wanting to look away."

Okay, this whole chunk was a sentence. You might want to break it up or something because it's lot of information for the reader to drink in reading one sentence. Also, in the beginning of this section, capitalize "I" and put another period to the ellipses. Ellipses normally have three dots, not two, but I think there a comma would work better. Put "a" in front of "sort". You don't need a space before a parentheses and you don't need one after it either. You have a really good description but try breaking it up, like this: "...a tall guy with a gentleman-like hairstyle (well-parted medium hair and equally trimmed) to compliment his face and a silver diamond earring which made a twinkling effect. He also had a green cotton-made kurta which made his fair complexion look even fairer and a cotton wraparound cloth on his waist."

"On my right i see a group of musicians.. sort of devotional band that has a tabla player, a tall guy with a gentleman like hairstyle ( well parted medium hair and equally trimmed ) to compliment his face, a silver diamond earring which made a twinkling effect and a green cotton made kurta which made his fair complexion look even fairer, and a cotton wraparound cloth wrapped on his waist covering his legs."

There are some more punctuation and grammar problems, but I bet if you look over it you can fix those. Also, try dividing your work into paragraphs--a whole blob of words is a little overwhelming and messy. Good writing!

-wisegirl22

Hi there! Snowery here to give you a review

I did enjoy this. It was a nice light read and I liked that you were trying to express a moment/sensation that you experience that brought you a sense of wonder. I love those kind of works. However I will say that I do have a few issues with the piece. My main one is that you could have taken this story so much further! There is just so much potential in this piece; a real prospect of creating something beautiful. I’m curious, is this a piece straight from your journal? It kind of seems like it. If it is I think it’s a wonderful thing that you would share that with us but also do remember that journal entries are often raw words written in the spur of the moment. I’ll go into all of now

Content

So your content. Remember, all stories you write will be for an audience as much as it is for yourself, having posted it up it is also now for the readers. The concept is great, it just needs to be developed. This seems like a draft, sort of the core of a greater story. You have your moment of epiphany, watching the table player and the realisations you have afterwards.
Now you have to construct the bridge that leads us to it. Build the scene. What was this temple like? For an audience who isn’t familiar with Hindu temples the experience of reading about one can be an exotic one. Use that as an advantage to draw us in. you have great descriptive powers which you demonstrate in your descriptions of the table player, use that to weave the scene around us. How did you feel there? Were you awed by everything? Were you bored? Were you searching for a spiritual moment or did the table player moment catch you by surprise? Give us more. Catch us by the throat and don’t let us go. Remember, even if this is based off real events that writing is an exaggeration of reality. Go nuts. We’ll never know if you made the temple much more grand or dull. I know that the purpose of the piece was to show us this incredible moment you had but to do that you have to draw us in first.

Structure and Sentence Formation

On to technicalities (aka the dreary stuff XD ) I’m sorry to do this to you but I am going to have to re-emphasize a lot of what the previous reviewer have had to say. You need to review your structure. There is a tiny paragraph, a HUGE chunk then a tiny paragraph again. It does hurt the eyes to read. If you end up adding more to this and filling in the content a bit you’ll be able to create better sized paragraphs. More than that though is the sentence structure. It needs a lot of work. As I mentioned before, this feels a lot like a draft, very raw and without much editing. I suggest that you read and reread this and listen to the words. Do they flow well together? Do you have to say too much before having to take a breath?

One of the main problems you have is the use of extremely long sentences. Take this for example:

On my right i see a group of musicians.. sort of devotional band that has a tabla player, a tall guy with a gentleman like hairstyle ( well parted medium hair and equally trimmed ) to compliment his face, a silver diamond earring which made a twinkling effect and a green cotton made kurta which made his fair complexion look even fairer, and a cotton wraparound cloth wrapped on his waist covering his legs.

I decided to go to the temple hoping to refresh my mind . I went there and submitted my slippers at the shoe stand , then I moved to the front row to sit on the green carpet floor. I tried to concentrate on the beautiful captivating incarnation of Lord Krishna that you can behold without ever wanting to look away.

I like it! it is a nice stoy but could use some more detail. You could add diolouge maby. other then that it is a very good story.

Hey there, will be leaving a quick review.

Well I can find no problem with the spelling. However, I have a few bones to pick with the structure of your story. For one, it would be nice if you could break up your passages. Although this is not such a huge paragraph, it should be broken up in to at least two parts. Some sentences are a bit long, but all of us write long sentences, so that's not really a big problem.

Another thing, I realised that one of your sentences did not start with a capital letter. I think it's the second sentence. It should be a capital O instead of o.

I really like the descriptions you give in your story,very nice.

Not a bad piece, but like I said, break up your passage, Right now its just one big chunk of words. Keep on writing !!! Cheers !!