'' when you told me you loved someone else;
I was shattered like a broken glass.
I did not know what to do,
to hate or to still love you.
I think it was a game for you;
that beautiful time, I was going through.
but it never meant to you,
couldn't you see my love was true.
I thought you were being a tease,
but you left me alone, for real;
I was left with nothing but a sparking feel.
no matter, how hard I try to forget you; forever
but my confused heart still binds us together.
and those promises we made,
echoes my mind every day and night,
now I realize the lies you told me,
were true from my side.
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140,598 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Hi Sak965! Welcome to YWS!
Happy writing!
If I had to describe my reading experience in one word, it'd be something like "fine"! I thought there were some nice elements here and I somewhat liked reading this, but I couldn't yet see something that would have made me think "wow!". I think you're keeping on the safe side, which is indeed safe and will get you nice results. But if you stepped over the line every now and then and I tried something new and different, you might reach some rather fantastic things!
You could experiment with different metaphors and images. So when you want to say something like "shattered like a broken glass", try to think out of the box: what else can be shattered or broken? Could you come up with a very unique way of saying essentially the same thing? Because at least for me, the beauty of poetry is the element of surprise. I don't mind reading "safe" poetry, because those can be nice reading experiences too, but usually the ones that go beyond the comfort zone are the ones that affect me the most.
One nitpick: I wasn't sure what you wanted to say with "a sparking feel", so that bit left me a bit confused.
Also, you did an excellent job considering English isn't your first language! I can honestly say that I wouldn't have guessed that it isn't your first language. Congratulations on that
Demeter
x
thank you so much for reading and sharing your views. and thanks for offering suggestions I appreciate it. and it is my second poem and I am not perfect so I know there are mistakes but i was trying to write my feelings so I was just being real but there's alot more to come. thank you ..
Hello there! I'm here to review your work
. First off, this poem has a lot of grammatical errors. When you write "I" remember that it's always supposed to be capitalized. Second, the first line where you say "when you told, you love someone else;" I don't know if the first coma was intentional but if it wasn't change it to "When you told me.." add a " me so it won't sound weird and it's loved not love since you are speaking in past tense. If you want capitalize the first letter in each sentence, I can't remember if it was a rule to write poetry but almost always the first letter in each sentence is always capitalized. Now let's talk about the poem's meaning. I like it, you speak your emotions very well, almost effortless, all the pain and sorrow it's beautiful your only problem was the grammar, overall, it was good. I hope this helped.
hello..!! I am trying to write but its not so easy for me to make it all perfect because my first language is Hindi and not English, so maybe that is why I have made mistakes but I want to thank you for pointing out the mistakes, I will surely correct them. thanks for reading and noticing the mistakes.
and I need help with fifth stanza, can you give some ideas because I dont find that part so good. thank you
I know this reply may have come too late but I understand what you mean. English isn't my first language and writing a second language can be hard sometimes. But with practice it gets easier. And the fifth stanza sounds good, but if you really really want to change it you could change 'sparking' to 'heartbroken'?
thank you so much friend, but originally by sparking i was trying to explain the quick shiver you get when something unexpected happens, its like ants running through the body, but i really appreciate your help. thank you.
Hi there, sak965!
I just need to review this. x)
Okay. My first impression of this was pretty good; the title is catchy, the length of the lines are uniform, and the stanzas seem to be beautifully organized. This is lovely, being honest. And the end is fantastic; it makes me want to read the whole poem again. So, I want to congratulate you for that! :]
Although, if you ask me I'd tell you this piece should be "Dramatic" poetry, instead of "Realistic".
Either way... I think it's nice and the flowing was decent; in general, you've done a great job. However, I think the punctuation is a bit weird, I'd re-check it. But the real reason why I'm writing this review is to mention grammar. I don't know why, if there are periods in this poem, there are no capital letters to be found. Remember that the I's should always be capitalized when they are used as a pronoun.
~GeeLyria
thanks for your review, and I will surely correct the mistakes.
Hi there. Its really early so sorry if the review doesn't make sense. Sooo this is an intresting piece.
The good points: All good works need a skeleton, and this is one of them. I love the idea you're trying to express, and this being what looks like you're first post, its a good one.
The not so good points:
1.You tittled it broken glass and then never mention it outside the first stanza. I think you could do so much with that imagery and show us how you felt.
2. The rhyme scheme...some authors hate it and try to stray away, some love it. It looks like you love it, but you need some work. The second through fourth stanza are all the same rhyme, using the same word. You really shouldn't do that. Someone else on here may like it, but I don't.
3. The last stanza is just all over the place. It just doesn't make sense, and doesn't rhyme. For a closer it should sum up all the feelings, where in this poem, it seems like you were still wanting to express more. You could get rid of it altogether or keep it and mold it into something better, perhaps by rereading for any gramatical things (hint, hint)
4. "But my stupid heart still binds us together" I don't like the word stupid, with such strong words this leaves me with something to be desired.
Overall really good start. I hope this was of some help. PM if you have any questions, good job and good luck!
i reaalllyy realllyyy like the idea of this poem, it is short but you can understand what is going on and it was simple but good........nice job,keep writing
thank you so much.