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At night when I turn the lights off ,
A friendly ghost comes through my wardrobe.
Just like the moon in dark night,
cool, smoky and white.
In my homework he always helped,
but tonight he refused.
I don't know why ?
maybe cause it was chapter-2.
A story of Father-Son
he felt bad,
As if he has left something undone.
I asked My friend! What are you thinking ?
about my son! said he. deeply breathing.
I now knew he'd left his son alone.
He was missing him;
like a soldiers mother waiting at home.
I insured him ; he is not alone
Let's start off by pointing out the mistakes:
"Cool smoky and white"
I think there should be a comma after 'Cool'
"In my homework he always helped"
The sentence construction here is just so wrong, it's unbelievable. Change it here, please.
"I asked My friend! What are you thinking ?
about my son! said he. deeply breathing.
This can be changed to make more grammatical sense.
"My friend," I asked "What are you thinking about?"
"I'm thinking about my son." he replied, breathing deeply.
"I now knew he has left his son behind"
Sudden change of tenses, and it just made me shake my head.
"I now knew he'd left his son behind"
"like a soldiers mother waiting at home"
"Soldier's mother"
"I insured him; he was not alone"
Insured him? The word Insured completely changes the meaning I think you were going for, maybe you meant to type ensured and it was a typo, but either way, I think it'd be better if you changed it to 'assured' as it makes more sense. Also, I think the semi colon was unnecessary.
"I assured him that he was not alone"
I'd like to add that the rhyming scheme was haphazard and it seemed very forced. So forced, in fact, that it actually took meaning away from the poem. Now, I've got nothing against rhyme schemes and many of my own poems feature them, but I think it should only be used to further the beauty of a poem. Obviously, that's not what's happened here.
I'm sorry if this is overly harsh but I think these mistakes needed to be pointed out.
The overall premise of the poem is amusing and, honestly, it just needs a little polishing.
Good Effort.
Sherlock.
Hellooooooo! Here is my review!
I really like the first stanza. It got me quite interested in the rest of the poem.
I don't really understand what sort of rhyme scheme you're going for. Not every verse rhymes but many of the ones that do feel quite forced.
Verses like:
And it was all settled soon,
then he flew away
just like morning moon.
and
A story of Father-Son
he felt bad,
As if he has left something undone
and
Just like the moon in dark night,
cool smoky and white.
felt like you'd just been looking for some way to rhyme the words. Perhaps you could make the whole thing not rhyme? That might work better, seeing as some of the verses don't rhyme already.
Next, onto grammar and all of that stuff.
I now knew he has left his son alone.
He was missing him;
like a soldiers mother waiting at home.
I insured him ; he is not alone
Your tenses are confused. Has and is are present tense, while was and insured are past tense.
Either, it should read:
I now knew he had left his son alone,
He was missing him;
like a soldier's mother waiting at home.
I insured him; he was not alone.
Or, it should read:
I now know he has left his son alone,
He is missing him;
like a soldier's mother waiting at home.
I insure him; he is not alone.
The first one's past tense, the second one present.
Another thing. There should be an apostrophe in soldier's mother, because the soldier belongs to the mother.
Here's a link: http://www.apostrophe.org.uk/page2.html
Do have a look through. It's really easy to learn how to use apostrophes and once you've got it it's ever so useful.
Finally, one thing more. I think by insured you mean assured.
Here's the definition of insured:
insured
Noun
A person or organization covered by insurance.
Here's the definition of assured, which I think you mean:
assured
Adjective
Confident: "“certainly not,” was her assured reply".
Protected against discontinuance or change: "an assured tenancy".
Synonyms
sure - confident - certain - secure - positive - safe
I hope that this has helped!
Points: 1188
Reviews: 33
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