[pre]When the winds blow cold,
I think of the warm day we met...
When the fire warms me,
I think of your love warming my heart...
Everything I say to you,Everything I do for you;
Just whispers...I love you!
Can you hear the music that my hearts beat with?
Do you see the trance I am in?
Your love makes me feel so special and...
and I know that mine makes you too,
Something I cannot say to you,but,
my heart whispers;
I love you!
Your love has touched my heart,
I promise to live with it forever,
Someday you will know that I have always asked for you,
You will know that my life is for you,
And when you will look into the night sky,
You will hear the stars whispering;
I love you![/pre]
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
That was so deep and touching that I almost teared up a little!!
I believe that in every sentance you are loving the person more and more untill your heart might burst (now I did tear up!)
This is good, but fix the way your lines are. There's too big a space for some of these lines. Other than that, excellent job!
-Rick.
Also, please no caps for your title and description. Fix them please. Caps show as if someone's shouting. So, fix the capped words. Please and thank you.
-Rick.
Ah, the innocence of teen love! You know there is a reason love stories and poems are full of cliches. That's because those cliches are so accurate. It is genuinely how you feel when you're in love, or think you're in love. Then again, there is love and then there is being with your beshert (perfect match). But with good poetry, it is best to try to be more individual. Sure, include a few of those common images and phrases, but think of the specifics of a real relationship you've experienced or seen. That will make it something that people won't paint the word cliche all over.
Please don't put the title of the poem in all caps, it's against the rules and just harsh on the eyes. Other than that I am going to agree with Kenpachi Masamune, he pretty much said what I was thinking.
You said and twice, it throws off the flow a tad I think.
Sounds better that way, but that's just me.
I like this poem, me being the hopeless romantic that I am, brava!
When the winds blow cold, (cliche)
I think of the warm day we met... (cliche)
When the fire warms me, (good)
I think of your love warming my heart... (cliche)
Everything I say to you,Everything I do for you; (repeated Everything...separate by lines or change word)
Just whispers...I love you! (good)
Can you hear the music that my hearts beat with? (cliche)
Do you see the trance I am in? (bad pun, but otherwise fine)
Your love makes me feel so special and... (cliche)
and I know that mine makes you too, (cliche)
Something I cannot say to you,but, (cliche)
my heart whispers; (cliche)
I love you! (cliche)
Your love has touched my heart,
I promise to live with it forever,
Someday you will know that I have always asked for you,
You will know that my life is for you,
And when you will look into the night sky, (good)
You will hear the stars whispering; (good)
I love you! (good)
A lot this was cliche or overused imagery, some lines being exactly the same as I have seen from other writers. Though you ended strong and that was good. Overall not a bad poem, but nothing too special on its own either.
That is so sweet. Love it!