Published June 19, 2009
My fairy-tale
I knew you had called me to the park…
I knew you wanted to talk to me about ‘her’
I felt my pace slow down in the dark,
And felt tears welling up my eyes...
I shivered with cold and walked to you with a heavy-heart…
I felt your happiness in the moist air,
I heard you talk about ‘her’
I knew ‘she’ was lucky that you loved her so…
You were the perfect ‘knight in a shining armor’ though.
You told me you loved her for her beauty
And I remembered the dark scar I had over my forehead.
You spoke of her exceptional loving nature
And I reflected upon the minor tiffs we had as friends…
You beamed at her swiftness at doing things…
And I stared at the brace guarding my leg,
I heard you speak about how much ‘she’ loved you,
I knew that no-one could ever love you more than me…
I shuddered with cold and helplessness.
I thought of your happiness,
I always thought you were mine,
I guess we are just best of friends
And you will never know the love of mine,
I cried in my heart and turned away
And your beautiful voice stopped me…
I saw you look into my eyes
And I shivered with the look they had
They spoke of undying love and I knew they were not for me…
I tried to walk past you
My brace hurting my leg and…
your words hurting my already bruised heart
But you put your hand around my waist
And I hoped that I could run
I wanted you to be happy with ‘her’ many a ton
But there you were holding me in the wet darkness
And I felt your fingers around mine…
I felt you slip something on it
And I saw my ring shining on it
And my heart skipped a beat
When you brushed my hair aside to say…
‘It was always you sweetheart…’
I had always been-the ‘her!’
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141,404 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
Hey Saily!
I really like your poem! It's so creative and thoughtful. The part where the girl compared herself to "her" really blew me away.
Just a few things though.
I think that "I shivered with cold as I walked to you with a heavy heart" would be better because right now you're sort of connecting two ideas that don't really relate to each other.
This can be changed to "I listened to you talk about 'her'".
You really don't need the "though" here. It's sort of confusing and I realize that it's supposed to rhyme with "so" but it just doesn't make sense here.
But overall, really good idea and poem.
-- Miss Ching
I really liked this piece because it was clichée but then evolved with your own feelings, experiences and details. Usually i don't like it when poems rhyme but the rhyming really helps the rhythm in this one. I'm not really sure what the pattern was though it changed a lot and that made the flow a little bit weaker
The pattern here starts out as a weak abcb but then the rhyming jsut kind of fades away i think you should decide weather you want the poem to rhyme or not and if you decide no you should only have a few rhymes throughout the poem