Young Writers Society

Hello sagarisiya, It seems you are quite new to the site as myself so I welcome you.

In general I liked your poem but let's get into the technical issues here before I get into the meaning of this piece.

You need to pay attention to spelling for instance in the second verse:

"And my unability to choose or touch a certain colour,"

I m pretty sure it's spelled "inability" and "color". There were other mistakes too pay more attention to spelling when you edit this.

In general you vocabulary is good not too complicated nor too simple, I like it. Although I believe that at some parts you could benefit from the use of different words.

For instance:

"How could I translate mystery behind poems of a lover?"

Here you could say how could I explain or comprehend "the" mystery. I think it would fit more beautifully if you altered the word "translate". However that's only my opinion and maybe I didn't get what you were trying to say here. If this piece is translated from another language then I understand that some things are lost in translation.

Other than that the rhyming in your poem was not very consistent, I felt like at some parts of the poem you lost it. However there were only minor issues there

For instance

"I wrote as many poems as I could about her beauty;

And with words, my immense desperation would shower;

Without her, my heart would always be empty"

"beauty" and "empty" did not rhyme as well.

Moreover I d like the verses to be smaller and it would be beneficial to add stanzas to your poem since it would make it easier to read and improve its structure.

Now to the meaning. I really liked the feelings that arose from your poem. I understand this is about a girl but it could as easily been for a concept like art. You successfully explained how inspiration feels like and how it can hit you out of nowhere expressed through different objects or even people and feelings such as being in love.

I believe you have potential and the present poem can be improved. I hope my suggestions helped you.

Keep up the good work!

Hi there! And welcome to YWS! Just a few thoughts on your poem:

I would try re-writing it into the sentence fragments to evaluate how the lines work together; as it's written some of the lines don't make sense together in context. For example; "I had no familiarity with the brushes and paints; and my unability to choose or touch a certain colour, I could not comprehend the quotes of saints, how could I translate mystery behind poems of a lover?" --- These lines don't actually build a statement, but seem a bit disjointed from one another. This could also be due to the lack of some end punctuation as well. -- Not every line must end in a comma or semi-colon, in fact sometimes it's better to let the lines run together .

"unability" --> in line 2 should be "inability".

Some of the grammatical choices make this piece difficult to understand and overall I think you could take another look at cohesion. How is art related to saints and how is that related to emptiness and relationships and flowers and writing. You have interesting themes and phrasing, but I'm missing some of the links in-between those themes.


Your word choice is good, making the poem sound elevated with words like "engrossed", "immense" and "aromatic". I think in addition with some linkage between the themes, you might also work on extending some of the metaphors you have here. In the line "She came
and changed me into a piece of gold" as a reader I wonder how this happened and what it means in the bigger context of the piece. Is this related to the art you reference in the first few lines, is this a good or a bad thing?, is this the colour referenced in line 2? I'd love to see more of these connections made within the poem itself.

Overall you have a good start with some of these themes. I like the idea of describing writing through describing artistry but I'm missing some of the connections between the subjects you address.

Best of luck in your future writing and please don't hesitate to ask if you have any questions about my review!

~alliyah

This review is brought to you by Team Cardinals! Happy Review Day!

<3

Hey Sagarisiyal27,

First off, Welcome to YWS! I'm glad you joined us and decided to post! If you haven't gotten a chance yet, check out the welcome forum and tell us some more about yourself. Also, there are a lot of helpful things you can learn on YWS from our Knowledge Base. Today I'm going to show you the Critiquing Sandwich which is sort of an unspoken rule about how to review here on the site to help users. Here's the guide to it. The YWS Critique Sandwich

Top Bun: What I liked.

I liked the way you made your language flow together. This poem sounded really nice as a whole. I think you did that well. You used a lot of longer words and sometimes they felt kind of forced, but overall your word choice was pretty together, so I trust that no matter what words you choose, you'd be able to make them sound good together, and I like having that type of faith in a poet.

Meat: What needs improvement.

I think you need to improve on your clarity. While I'm not from the same mindset as you, I think that a poem shouldn't sound weird, or have lines that mean nothing due to the complexity of their meaning. I know, it sounds like a double standard, doesn't it? Well, I can explain. A poem, to me, should be able to be understandable to a reader the first time through, and then upon further inspection, the detail and connotation of words should create a sublayer of information and room for development of thought. It shouldn't be the first layer that needs analysis to create an understanding.

One case where this poem doesn't really make sense if we just look at the original definitions of the words is where Iamanaspringwinter said:

"My existence was mere clueless before meeting her."

You see, if we dumb this down, we end up with "I was barely clueless before we met."

This doesn't quite make sense because of that "barely" Now if you would have put merely, then merely means only, and that has a whole new evolution of thought that can go with it. "I was only clueless before we met" can mean so much more than if you were Barely. They're completely different meanings. I feel like you just missed the meaning because you were trying to be poetic, and that's fine, but you need to make sure that when people point something out as "odd" you look at the meanings of the words and double check they're really what you want. It's the difference between a 'small clueless' and an 'only clueless' in most cases.

Bottom Bun: Conclusion

All in all, I think you shouldn't try so hard to be poetic. I think you have a good handle on language's flow and if you just write something without struggling for language or words, just rant about it, you'll actually come up with a poem that is more touching and ends up meaning more because your poem will be about purely human things, real human things. The more we just let loose, the more layers there are because we as people have many, many layers. As long as we put in enough detail to show those layers, they are there regardless of how much we try to simplify them.

That's why I actually have a challenge for you, and this is totally not part of the sandwich.

My challenge for you is to write a poem as a paragraph talking about something you find devastating going on in the world today, or an event that has happened which has impacted you emotionally. Tell us how you feel and do it metaphorically. Plug in symbols when you say "I'm mad" say "I'm as mad as a lion in a zoo." Don't say "I hurt" but "This pain is like my body has been skinned and I am swimming in the ocean." Be visceral, be bold, and if you start swearing, bump the rating.

I'd love to see the results if you do this challenge. Someone gave it to me once and I still cry when I read the poem I wrote. [thus it's not on here to get ripped up.]

[Oh, and I'm not sure unability is a word. Inability is though.]

I hope to see you around.
-Aley

Hi sagarisiyal27! Welcome to YWS! Congrats on your first piece! I feel as though you have a great vocabulary and have the ability to write really beautiful, melodic lines of poetry, but for this poem I was often (at the beginning) at a loss as to what was happening. There were some lines, like

"My existence was mere clueless before meeting her."

Are you trying to say that you were clueless of your existence? Or that it was like nobody knew you existed before you met her? I think if you make your meaning clearer using different words, it would really help.

That's really my only issue with this. Have other people read this over and give you suggestions. A lot of the lines seemed vague and didn't connect to your core message. I think you are a very beautiful writer, and I think if you make sure all of your lines mean what you want and contribute to your core message, then you will be even better!

Have a fun day and a fun time on YWS!