It was a rather unusual day outside. The grey clouds were over the blue skies. The trees green with leaves. However, it smelt nice and fresh outside. And you were there and you made things better. Your soft hands, your gentle touch, your warm smile. And I loved you…. I still do…
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
I see you have already gotten some really helpful reviews, so I apologize beforehand if mine comes off as a bit repetitive!
The first thing I noticed about this story was its very short length. It made me really curious as well, as I could not understand how a story can be concluded so shortly. I liked the simple descriptions that helped establish the one scene, and I enjoyed the overall light-hearted feel to the story.
I liked the contradiction you have painted here through the use of colors. By putting, 'grey clouds' in the same sentence as 'blue skies', you have not only presented a very interesting imagery but you have created a very unique picture by putting two contrasting elements together. I was unsure whether to put more focus on the 'grey clouds' or the 'blue skies' while recreating the scene in my head, and I like how this goes a long way in justifying your initial claim of the day being 'unusual.
Here we have another use of color and I have come to realize that color after all plays an important role in the story. You have already painted a particular picture in our mind with the use of 'grey clouds' in the previous sentence. In this scenario, our brain automatically paints the picture of a typical cloudy day, where everything is heavy and dark. However, then we have the sudden influx of the color 'green' and it upsets this image in our head, building once again, another new contrast.
Something very unique about this story, is how each sentence contradicts the very next one. First, you mention that the trees are green with leaves, painting once again a very bright picture. But then you proceed to claim that it smells nice and fresh outside, in a surprising kind of way that implies that may be it wasn't supposed to smell so nice and fresh outside. It confuses the readers because you put something expected in a very nonchalantly unexpected manner, so that they are forced to question, shouldn't it have smelt nice and fresh outside? What was it supposed to be like instead?
You establish the presence and the importance of this 'someone else' in the narrator's life very simply in the story. They do not require an introduction, and the mere mention of them in the story feels like something the narrator could not help but include. It was as if the narrator was simply observing and appreciating the nature around him/her, when the thoughts of this 'someone else' eventually snuck in to make them brighter and better. The one line at the end was heart-felt and I could feel the emotion it contained. As someone else pointed out, it held a kind of nostalgia that made me feel as if things did not work out between the two of them, and the last three words were spoken in regret. Or maybe they were spoken in awe, as the narrator could not comprehend that they still had this person in their life. It can be any way you see it.
Overall, this was a nice, short story. My only complaint would be that it was too short to leave that kind of an impression that actually sticks with you. It is a good story to analyze sentence by sentence, but it is not something that your readers would be invested in. If the former was your intention with this story, then you hit the mark. If not, then you could probably add more meaning to this by expanding on the this once scene and adding more emotion.
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
Hello Sadgirltumblrx.
This is a great story starter, if you ever wanted to take it further. It is simple but the imagery is excellent. The last line actually sounds a little sad, whether or not that was the intention I cannot tell. I get the impression that the protagonist lost the one they loved or rather something bad occurred between them. I would highly recommend expanding on this, and if you do please share it. It would be so great to read what you come up with.
Thank you for sharing,
Poetry_Misfit
Hello there! D here with a short review!
I don't read many short stories but I'll try my best here.
I found this one more intriguing than confusing! You started it quite nicely with a solid description of the present atmosphere, setting the mood for something eventful. I loved how 'the eventful' part has already happened as is revealed abruptly and is now the past. I thought that was a rather skilful touch!
I also enjoyed the subtle emotions of nostalgia and bittersweet memories in the background. Definitely a memorable write, I think with great potential for a sequel, haha!
I%u2019m glad you liked it
thanks for the review
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...well I've seen short stories, but I don't believe I've ever run into something quite this short before, at least not unless it was meant to be something like a one sentence story. This is incredibly short here for something that's meant to stand completely on its own but I think it somehow does manage to do it here, there is enough happening here that we get some sense of a plot, which is pretty impressive for something this short.
Breaking this piece down here to its individual sentences cause it is so short, I think this opening is pretty solid. It immediately gets you attention cause the moment its mentioned that something is out of the ordinary humans tend to really latch on, and then going on to describe this overcast sky coupled with a fresh sort of vibe here does in fact make for a pretty unusual day.
Then we cut immediately to this clear sense of nostalgia that you seem to try and project here. Its not outright stated that anything has happened but you get the feeling of loss permeating through this one here and it couples with the moment you describe there to create a pretty powerful moment to leave us off on. The ellipse there works very well in that regard.
Overall, I think this is a surprisingly deep peace for something this short and you've created a pretty intriguing little moment in time here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Haha thanks for this review
You're Welcome!!
Hey there, hope you're having a wonderful (insert time of day)
Hmm for such a short short story, this has a lot to unpack
THEORY 1: this guy is an alien coming to earth, and he's amazed by these normal things like the clouds, the leaves, etc and maybe he once was in love with a human girl...? :0 I see fan fiction potential lol
THEORY 2: the main character is a dude that has been dulled from life, because he's lost a loved one, or a sibling, or a lover, or a friend.. and this is his first time stepping outside, trying to start a new life, as if he was being reborn. Which is why he's so impressed by everything, yet he doesn't seem curious or interested in any of the things he's seeing.
As if he's just going "oh a tree? that's cool,"
Which means he's still somewhat dulled by his darker times.
I feel like this is the one cause the person seems more human, he's not THAT shocked. Just, uninterested. An alien would probably go "OMG WHAT THE HELL IS THAT FLUFFY WHITE THING IN THE SKY"
(how do I know ? cause I'm an alien hehehehehe, but shh
So yeah. probably this theory
THEORY 3: you're just trying to mess with our minds xD
Haha I%u2019ve loved reading your theories! Thanks for the review
Hello sadgirltumblrx! Incoming review!
I think the double use of the ellipses is unneeded.I would first like to say, I think you succeeded in making me confused. This will be a more "my thoughts" type of review as well.
Story Overall
From my point of view I think the whole purpose of this short story is to point out typical things we see in normal life and play it off as if they are foreign. It could be like an undercover alien. Or even the perspective of a new born who's limited time on Earth so far makes any new thing a wonder. I think the more I try to dig into the minimal substance, the more I'm confused and the more information I want.
Corrections
This is such a short story that there are minimal corrections to be made and most of them are more preference than anything.
Any other corrections I would want to make would require you to add to the short story, and I think you want to keep it the way it is for your original purpose.
But that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of this useful. Well, from what I know, you totally got me to think and be confused. Have a great day and stay gold. Anyway byeeeeeeeeeeee
Haha thanks for the review
I have not had enough caffeine for this...
Lol