A Night in the Rain

I stared at the ground, the tears and rain mixing together and clouding my vision. Who knew I would be the girl to end her life. Who knew that I was the girl that had a rope hidden in the corner of my closet. No one would ever think right? No one would ever suspect the loud, fun, and loving girl that always laughed and saw the best in everyone. But people didn't understand. I wasn't that girl anymore. She was long gone. A single glance and you knew her presence was needed, but no longer there. But they couldn't figure out why. What had happened? Where had the bubbly girl gone? And why had she disappeared so suddenly? I'll tell you why. It was because of him; his words, his actions, his smirks, his everything drove her over the edge. I was broken now, and I didn't know how I could ever pick the pieces back up.

  There I stood, leaning over a rail on a rainy Tuesday night. Not many cars drove past, but when one did I was drenched in dirty, mucky rain water. I didn't mind though. I wouldn't be here much longer, and I liked the rain. I looked down into the canal below. The water was dark and ominous, just how I pictured this day. It would be just like any other.

I took all the contents out of the pockets of my jacket, then took it off and wrapped my letters up inside it, making sure they couldn't get wet. Each letter was addressed to someone: one to my mom, my dad, one to my sister, my brothers, my grandma, and the list goes on. I shivered in the cold, my thin body trembling against the heavy winds. I paid it no attention though, it was time to go.

  I slowly put one leg over the rail, then the other. I gripped it tightly at first and slowly let my fingers loosen. I looked back to the waters that would forever change my fate. I closed my eyes and started to let gravity take its toll. But before I'd even completely let go of the rail, behind me a loud desperate cry pierced the silence.

"BELLE, NO!"

   I heard the heavy pounding of footsteps coming closer and closer. I could barely register what has happening before I felt an arm wrap around my shoulder and another on my hips. The person pulled me up and pushed away from the banister. Two strong arms held me close to a chest, but the only thing I kept thinking about was how I didn't get to go. I wanted to and this person stopped me. Angrily I tried to push away, but to no avail. I listened intently to the person mumbling against my neck holding onto me as if their life depended on it; "...why...god, no, it's all my fault. What have I-I done." Frustrated and petulant, I pushed at the shoulders of the person that saved my life.

   Never would I have ever expected to look into the face of Andrew Tanner, the bane of my existence, the hammer to my now shattered glass, standing in the rain, clutching me too him. He had brought me here. This was the boy who went out of his way to destroy any kind of light left in my body. This was the boy that enjoyed watching me cower in fear when he threatened to hit me.

"Go jump off a bridge, Belle. No one would care. It's not like anyone wants you here." He had smirked evilly, knowing well enough that his words were hitting home. "No one would care if a fat, ugly little bitch like you died and never came back."

  The memory had haunted me for weeks, plaguing my dreams, making it almost impossible for me to sleep. He had always called me fat and ugly, and I believed him. I can't look in the mirror without believing he is right. I am so full of self-pity, I feel as if I mean nothing to this world. What can I possibly contribute to? Breaking mirrors for the rest of my life?

   I shook away my thoughts and I focused on paying attention to the muffled sounds of his mumbles against my skin over the harsh sounds of the pouring rain.

"...all m-my fault. I'm such an asshole. God what is wrong with me?

I shook my head in shock trying to clear my thoughts and understand what he'd just muttered.

Does he actual feel guilty? Can he feel guilty?

No, that's impossible, I thought to myself.

I untangled him from me, pushing him off and looking straight into his puffy, emerald green eyes. I could see the emotion swimming in them: it was regret, guilt, and fear. His brown hair had turned black from the rain water that was now cascading down his cheeks.

   He took a step towards me, raising a hand as if he were trying to reach out to me. I moved away from him and I felt the anger building up inside. I did still fear him. He had hit me before, never anything serious but enough to make me frightened. He dropped his hand seeing my reaction to him trying to come closer. The rain had stopped and we stood in the puddles around us, listening to the soft droplets falling from the god forsaken rail and the edge of the sidewalk.

After a brief moment, I broke the silence; "Why did you stop me."

His eyes widened in confusion; "Y-you were about to throw yourself over a bridge! I couldn't just let you-"

"Why not? You're the one who told me to."

Guilt flashed across his face before his looked down in defeat.

"Yeah, I did, didn't I?"

  I nodded in confirmation and turned my head to the horizon, taking to looking at the stars and the dark clouds slightly covering the beautiful crescent moon that was our only source of light.

"Belle, I didn't mean all those things I said."

  I kept my head turned, feeling the rage continuously bubbling up inside me. How dare he lie to me. After every insult, every push and every shove, all the cruel laughs and looks he had thrust upon me for no reason at all, yet he still had the nerve to tell me he didn't mean it. He continued though, taking my silence as encouragement to tell me why he did what he did.

"I don't know why I started picking on you in the first place- no, scratch that, I do know why. I thought you were pretty- beautiful actually- you were nice to me the day we met. We had talked and I loved how open you were. I loved your laugh and your bright smile. Your sarcasm was just as big of a trait that led me to liking you. But then, my friends dared me to mess with you. They told me I was a chicken if I didn't and I didn't want to look weak, you know? So, I took the dare. I still remember your face the first time I told you you were ugly. The way your face fell, I knew it wasn't the first time, and I knew it wouldn't be the last. I felt really bad-"

"Not bad enough." I said, cutting him off halfway into his rant, my tone emotionless, "you would have stopped if you really did feel bad."

"But I did feel bad, Belle, I still do and I don’t think I’ll ever stop. I know I’ll regret this for the rest of my life. It’s not just something I can take back or make up for. I led you to a fucking bridge and you almost killed yourself! The fact that I couldn’t even say no to some mindless bet that would prove absolutely nothing just shows that I’m not worth your time, or your forgiveness. I know that. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to try though, because I am.”

We locked eyes and I felt his hand come down to my shoulder and I flinched, jerking away from his touch. He moved in closer and closer, cornering me. I stumbled on a crack in the sidewalk. Then I felt my back touch the rail I had so desperately waited for for weeks to go to and just end it all, but now it seemed to be a trap, as if it was trying to tell me there was another way to handle this all, as if all this didn't have to happen.

  Our chests were touching now, he was so close. I looked around frantically for anyway to escape. But I knew I wouldn't make it two steps, let alone the two blocks back to my house. He was too strong; he would overpower me in a second. I stopped struggling and slouched, my shoulders sagging, my head bowed. My mind struggled to get me to react; it told me to push Andrew away, but I just couldn't do it. There was no point.

  Cool fingers reached up and cupped my cheek. I flinched still, but I knew he wouldn't try and hurt me. Although this much was sure, I was still angry at him; and I told him so.

"You treated me like dirt." I started angrily, feeling the tears well up in my eyes, not caring as they spilled over and ran down my cheeks, "You acted as if I was nothing. You said it so many times, how could I not believe you? I screamed and I cried for someone, anyone to realize that I am gone. The old me will never come back no matter how hard you try to make up for all the bullshit you did. What did I ever do to you?! Nothing! I never did anything! You took my friendliness as a sign of weakness and used me to show off to your ‘friends´ that you’re some big, bad tough guy." I sneered up at him and pushed him away. He swayed slightly on his feet and didn't do a thing as punched and kicked anywhere I could.

My fist connected with his jaw; "You asshole."

A swift kick was aimed at his stomach. "It's your fault I'm like this!"

Another kick was aimed at his thigh; "Look at me you bastard. Look me in the eye and tell me you’re still sorry. Tell whatever you want because either way I’ll never forget what you did."

  He had fallen to his knees and doubled over, clearly showing defeat. But I was too angry. He had destroyed me and everything I held true to myself.

  I raised my fist in fury for a final taste of vengeance with him finally at my mercy. I had the opportunity to show that I was not weak. But as I looked at the form of the boy on his knees in front of me, I knew that if I stooped to his level anymore, I would only prove that I was weak.

I lowered my fist in defeat.

  I turned back to the horizon looking to see that the brightness of the moon shone brighter now that the dark clouds blocking its well deserved path of beauty had gone.

  With Andrew still on his knees, I walked closer to him until his head was level with my stomach. I ran my fingers lightly through his wet hair. His breath hitched and I placed a finger under his chin making him face me. I dropped my fingers and took a step back.

"I'm sorry. That was completely uncalled for." I cradled my throbbing fingers in my left hand and looked away.

  Slight shuffling was heard and then arms was being wrapped around my thighs, holding me in place. A slight pressure was suddenly pressing into my belly causing me to jump in surprise. I looked down to see Andrew trembling and clutching me to him.

"You shouldn't be apologizing. I caused too much shit. You're allowed to hit me. I've done it to you more times than I can count."

  I shook my head, knowing I couldn't do what he had done. I would never be able to live with myself, and I regret hitting him. We stood there for a while, his cheek resting on my stomach and his arms wrapped around my legs while my good hand ran my fingers through his hair.

"I'm so sorry, Belle."

  I nodded, acknowledging his apology. I didn't really know what I felt about this situation. You can’t hold a grudge forever, and sometimes, the only way to get past something, is to embrace it.